[damajdancer]

I havent posted here in a while, mostly because whenever I do, I dont get any support, or advice. But I'm going to give it another go.

Last night I cut myself to shreads. My "boyfriend" wont stop bringing up my drug addiction, I recently started a new one. Im about to punch the next person to even touch me.

Im so ANGRY with myself, and everyone around me. Im so sick of not just my 'life', but life all together. I just want to beat the %#@&#! out of someone, then let them beat the %#@&#! out of me. I cant take it anymore, Ive talked to my T about everything, he's not doing %#@&#! about it. He thinks he is, but Im worse than I ever was.

I want my life to end, but I DONT want to kill myself. I know that doesnt make any sense, but Im so sick of everything.
GGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR

[katheryn]

cant offer any advice, i can give you a hug,

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( damajdancer )))))))))))))))

[Rapunzel]

It's hard to know how to respond to something like this. Can you tell us what would be helpful to you? Your boyfriend keeps bringing up your drug problems. It sounds like he must be concerned about you. I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad and not feeling like what anyone does really helps.

Rap

[silver_queen]

Since your t isn't helping you even though he thinks he is, perhaps you could actually *tell* him what it is you need? And if he can't fulfil that, maybe start looking for another therapist?

Perhaps tell your boyfriend that you don't want to talk about stuff and that he should leave you alone?

if you're a member of a gym, perhaps you could use a punchbag there to vent some of your anger in a way which doesn't hurt anybody?

I want my life to end, but I DONT want to kill myself.
That makes perfect sense. You don't want to die, you just want things to change... so what is there that you can do which would help things be as you want them to be?

[damajdancer]

Thanks everyone.
As I went back and read my post, I did sound kinda pushy, but I get like that when Im that mad.
I not that much better today.
I have told my T what I need, and he is trying, I just feel like theres something I need...but I dont know what it is.
I have told my boyfriend not to talk to me about my drug problem, he doesnt listen, so Im not going to talk to him until I get straightened out a little more. And it's not like he says something to support me, he screams at me that it's messing up my life and that they are going to kill me... I already knew that, so it doesnt help by him screaming at me.
I really dont know what I want to change or not change, Im mostly confused now, cuz I hear other people tell me how they want me to change, and even though I dont listen to them cuz of our history, it confuses me.
Thanks again everyone for your support and stuff.
-Megan-

[Rapunzel]

((((((Megan)))))))

Whether or not you change has to be your decision. Nobody else can decide that for you. I am sure that you can tell what will be best for you, and sometimes when people keep pushing their advice on you it makes it hard to decide to take it because you just want to show them all that you can make your own decision. But don't make your decision based on showing them anything. That gives them the control. Make it for you. You know what other people want. What do you want?

Rap

[damajdancer]

Thanx again Rapunzel.
I really dont know what I want.
I kinda just want my life back to the way it was before my drug problem, before my depression and anxiety, before I was raped, and before my family fell apart. But I cant get that back because of all the stuff that has already happened. I dont really pay attention to those certain people who tell me what they want me to be, but it does give me ideas, but i dont want ideas. I just want to go back to how it was before all this %#@&#! came.
I cant have what i want, so i dont know what to do.
-Megan-

[Rapunzel]

Megan,

I wish that there were a way to give you your life back before all of those things happened to you. I wish that I could go back and undo some things in my life too. Unfortunately, we can't go back. We can only go forward. You have to start from where you are, and take steps toward where you would like to be.

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((( Megan )))))))))))))))))))

you've just been "heard" by several. Sometimes that's all people can do because we're dealing with what's "ours", and they feel helpless to help. I've gotten caught up in that so many times...feeling horrible, angry, forgotten and wish somebody could make it better for me...just do it dangit...make it go away!!!

the one thing, in looking back, that i learned is that each time I went thru that and was heard, i was listening to myself as well and from there was able to see a pattern, the triggers, the pain, etc....to find a starting place to work from.

I hope this made some sense. Just know we hear ya.

KD

[damajdancer]

Thank you all for 'hearing' me.
Im sorry if i seemed a bit selfish, because you guys need to take care of your selfs, and im sure i dont make it any easier *****ing at you, but thank you.
I am doing a bit better today, but i am so sore from how badly i hurt myself, but its better than feeling the ache of my life(which i still totally hate). My T is going to try and help me a bit harder, i talked to him about it.
Thanx again everyone for the support, and hugs, and just hearing me.
-Megan-