[madmusican]

I am trying to reach out for help from those around me. I am trying to tell them how I feel. I have a counselling assessment next Wednesday to talk to a psychotherapist but I am so scared. I know I have to deal with things from my past to stop it getting to me but I feel sick every time I think about it.

Last night was not a good night, I tried talking, I tried sleeping but I cut. And this morning too. Have to hide it from my husband as he is home soon. Want to cut now, want to hurt, want to stop things going round my head.

I tried to speak to a trusted friend today who knows what is going on, but I am just taking so much of his time recently I feel guilty about it. I couldn't do it. I walked out of work the second my day finished without speaking to anyone. I will get in trouble tomorrow as I should have stayed for a meeting but I couldn't do it. I had to get out as I felt myself getting more nervous and anxious all day.

I wanted to tell my friend today about cutting again but I couldn't. I wanted to tell him how scared I am about the assessment. I wanted to tell him I feel like I am sinking but I don't know what to do to stop me.

Sorry, just needed to get it off my chest

[adam_k]

I'm sorry things are getting so bad for you. It sounds like you are at your whits end and can't cope with what is going on. Try to get as much support as you can so you don't feel so alone. Is there any family, friends or your husband that you feel safe talking to them about what is going on?

Try not to worry about the assessment so much. It is just part of the doctors understanding what is going on and how things are with you. It is scary, but it is for a good cause and to help you. It is hard to talk about stuff from the past, but talking and dealing with it is a good way to heal from personal tragedies. It isn't to make you feel bad or relive those experience, but to find some inner peace and accept them as part of your past.

[madmusican]

I feel like such an idiot. Had a meeting with my boss today about something work related and got so nervous and anxious about it that when I went in, I could barely talk, was stuttering lots and fiddling with my jumper and bracelet all the way through. I tried to stop but i noticed I was stuttering and that made me more nervous.

He asked me if any of my students had commented on my behaviour and told him I was just nervous in the meeting and getting myself worked up, and that none of my students had said anything, which isn't strictly true. But I just told the kids who asked what was wrong that I was fine and they needn't worry about it.

I am struggling to keep my nerves and anxiety under control when I am at work now. I don't know what to do. I have been very careful that no one at work has seen any of my cuts and other than my friend, no one would suspect I am doing it again I would think.

Fighting the urges tonight as I gave in so many times over the last two days and if I am not careful, my husband will really notice. I don't know how many more 'accidents' I can have without him being suspicious.

Sorry just can't seem to think straight at the moment and writing it down seems to help get my thoughts in some sort of order.

[adam_k]

I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now. I hopee you can find a way to deal with what you are feeling.

Can you take a break from your classes? It sounds like you need to sort out some issues and the current situation you are in is a daily reminder. It sounds like a tough situation and you should proud that you have been able to keep everything together this far. Sometimes we need help. It sounds like you really need some support right now.

Can you talk to your husband? Would he be helpful to you, or do you think it would make things worse? we.all need support and be aable to talk things out sometimes. I hope your counseling begin to help you soon. Keep posting if it helps.