[ThisWayOut]

again... twice in 4 weeks... Just have to keep it together till I see my T at noon. I hope I can do it. I hope this slip up isn't so bad that I need to see a doctor :/ I'm really mad at myself, but the relief was needed... and now my wife will be mad too if I have to go to a doc, or if my T makes me go inpatient... ****... panic ensuing. threw out the tool. ****. i screwed up...

[darkmood]

Everyone makes mistakes Do not beat yourself up about slipping up I have done it beat myself up and it served no purpose but to make me feel worse then just self harming did Hang in there

[Moodswing]

Another releae valve needs to be found. Even silly things can help distract the mind. Walking backwards on a treadmil, watch a video on youtube on how to juggle and try it, find a recipe and try to make it, take a red pen and slash red marks on your arm instead, get silly puddy and squish it in your hands. I am not sure how long you have been in therapy but you should have seen some relief by now. They should have addressed some of the root core as to why you turn everything onto yourself. EMDR has releases some frozen trauma for me which in return has made it easier to obstain from self harm.

[ThisWayOut]

it all was good until I moved back to where all the trauma happened... threw a humongous wrench in my progress.
I like the idea of walking backwards, it takes more coordination than just trucking headlong forward and dragging the poor dog along... and more thinking.
time is going so slow. I feel better about the self-harm, as it's not as bad as I had feared (thankfully). Just need to make it till noon. why does time drag SO SLOWLY when I really just want to connect with my T?
the scary thing about the self-harm, it worked... especially after the anxiety over having done it wore off. it released the pressure valve of the suicidal thinking, and I feel calm for the first time pretty much all week... I know I need another release, but nothing works like this. it sucks. it sucks that something so effective is so unhealthy.

[Moodswing]

The one thing that was instrumental in my recovery was Xanax. I know it gets a bad wrap but when I could not control the impulse or I was having a hard time the Xanax would wash away all the feelings and put a damper on the cycle of self abuse. It helped break the addiction of needing it and gave my brain a chance to heal so therapy can be more effective. I thought I would need it all the time but It helped me become stronger in fighting the urges and I actually needed it less over the months. I only use it maybe about once a week. See if you can talk to your primary care doctor. That is where I got it from. I never asked my therapist if it was o.k until after I got it and he was on board with it. He would just aske me every week how much I used and kept an eye out on misuse.

[ThisWayOut]

I have some Ativan from a few years ago still. I forget about it sometimes. I really should put it somewhere more prominent. It has helped in the past, and I'm sure would help again.

I think I might need to tell my wife I cut. I think I need to see a doctor for it... :/ kinda freaking out... ****.

[ThisWayOut]

saw the doc, got backer acted, got out, on constant supervision from family > though understandable... hate the system down here. it's inhumane. going to ask my t to revise the crisis plan to exclude these 2 providers... I know I have issues, but I don't go to the er and lie about why I am seeking help. I may not always be forthcoming with all info, but I do not outright make up a lie., The er is a last resort. If I'm going on my own, it's because there is a reason.
Doing better now, but in a weird state. Now I want to sh to prove something (that's the instinct - that I can still do it even if you say I can't...) but I will not, because I know it really won't prove anything, and it will not accomplish what I generally use it for: relief. I don't want to confuse myself further with that.
I'm kinda mad at my T's supervisor, though she explained why she said what she did... I also feel bad that my family ended up contacting her over the weekend, and that she was asked to call me at the facility. I don't like bothering people, and I feel like this whole weekend just bothered a bunch of people.
I will know better next time. I'll be a good little girl. The consequences are not worth the telling... and now my fractured trust in the local mh system has been totally pulverized. I'll keep seeing my T though. I know I am mad at the system, but I know I can't do any of this alone... So I'm just trapped in it all, much like I was over the weekend. I don't know who thought it was a good idea to isolate people in crisis for extended periods of time without even checking in on them outside of a video feed to the security office, but apparently it flies here... hurt and frustrated by that experience.
So for now, working on staying safe and getting sleep.