[jadedbutterfly]

Such strong urges to cut last night.... fought them off with the help of talking with a friend. This morning, anger has turned into numb or maybe I am just dissociating from the pain/anger I had yesterday..
Weird part. I used to cut to get the anger/pain to flow out of me. Today, I want to SI in order to try to bring myself out of the numbness.
Trying.. successfully so far... to not cut, as it is short sleeve weather. But have been either punching my thighs or hitting my arm with something hard, or banging my arm say a bench for the pain..I don't want to feel the anger/hurt that I know is still in my brain... but I am having hard time being disconnected.
Did this make any sense to anyone? Ever try si to fight the numbness?

[grey_aj]

People SI for different reasons... some do it for numbness and some to feel. I guess for me it was more of a distraction and a way for me to just not think.

I suppose the numbness thing can fluctuate depending on the situation and whatis happening.

- AJ

[jadedbutterfly]

bad day. used a razor been so long since I've done that.
Thing is... it was so disappointing, I didn't get the release I needed/wanted. I used to cut my arms. there is so much scar tissue that it doesn't work there (found that out last time I caved in)... so I tried my thigh, and well... it looks angry, but it just isn't' right. I'm afraid that if I go deep like i used to on my arms.. it would be hospital time.
So piss ed off I put down the razor and grabbed that metal pipe thing and just hit my lower left arm until my right hand couldn't hold it steady.
Is it possible that I could actually break my arm, Scared that if I continue this type of SI... that might happen.

[adam_k]

You could break or fracture your arm. Hitting with a hard object causes shock and bones are somewhat brittle. Depends on how hard you are hitting.

I've never wanted to SI but years ago my daughter had a problem with cutting. She was taking Abilify and it made her want to harm herself. I took her off this med & thank God the SI went away & has never returned. My question to you is do you think any of the meds you take are making you want to do this to yourself? And what if you beat up a tree or some other object instead of yourself? Would this help? I'm just trying to understand.

[jadedbutterfly]

Originally Posted by Cracking Slowly

My question to you is do you think any of the meds you take are making you want to do this to yourself? And what if you beat up a tree or some other object instead of yourself? Would this help? I'm just trying to understand.

My self harm started a long time before I was put on psych meds, and I have gone long periods without doing harm to myself while on medications. So I am 99.9% sure it is not my medications.
I have a bunch of actions that I can do and found useful to stop from hurting myself. I actually have a box near my desk right now with what I call my fiddle things, like soft balls that I can throw (soft, so they won't damage anything in my apt). Used to go to the river and throw rocks into it, when I had a car I would drive and do this primal screaming (that was a favorite one for me)... and of course making a phone call to my friend or therapist.
Thing is, sometimes the triggers, the environmental issues can bring me to a point where I don't actively fight the urges to self harm.. Did that answer your questions? If not, please let me know....

[jadedbutterfly]

Originally Posted by adam_k

You could break or fracture your arm. Hitting with a hard object causes shock and bones are somewhat brittle. Depends on how hard you are hitting.

Are you saying that I am probably weakening my bones "brittle"? And that it could lead to a break?? Yikes, just the thought of a cast.
I have got to start using my skills again, get control of my behavior again.