trigger?

Another post is similiar to my situation, but I need seperate advice. I have noticed when I start to get depressed again, I start reading books about cutting, depression, suicide, etc. Most are memoirs although I do have a few books on cutting which are meant to help. Right now, I just finished A Bright Red Scream and am moving on to another book about cutting. I am away at college now and my depression is slipping back into its place again. I started cutting again a while back but since I have gotten here, its worse now. I am afraid to go to counseling again for fear of a repeat of what happened a couple years ago (got caught cutting in high school....they told police who then had to talk to me and they did many other things which I feel have somewhat traumatized me.) This is a christian school and last year, a boy was kicked out for being gay >its a rule in the handbook. I am afraid they could kick me out too if for some reason I seemed a "harm" to myself so I have chosen to seek guidance off campus. I admit thought, I am terrified. Any suggestions/advice on how to get the guts to go through with it? I called my mom yesterday and asked her to call a place around here and schedule an appointment for me (she doesnt know I am back to my old self, but rather that I just want to stay in counseling) because I will not make an appointment myself.

Well... I too start the whole gloomy books thing when I'm depressed, I thought I was the only one who did that, thanks for reassuring me otherwise...

You've given the reasons yourself in your post for why you should go to counselling, that you don't want to get kicked out of school. There is nothing wrong with looking for help outside of the school campus.

I use to read the books on suicide but they would actually help me, kind of stand in for my own personal depressed, anxious thoughts. But I discovered all that by thinking about why I was actually reading them, what I got from them. Could be your reading is "good" for you too, serves as a marker when you're starting to have problems and holds your "place" for a bit?

If you've been in counseling before then you have a little idea how it works. Maybe write out what you want to discuss in the first session, how you want to say things, even print out your post here to give you courage or remind you? Make a deal with yourself to just give it a try and not decide anything for 3-5 sessions? Look at your symptoms as symptoms and not the problems itself and try to relax a bit. "You" and your body are doing their best for you. Our symptoms seem negative but are actually helping us and we didn't pick them at random. That's why different people have different diagnoses/problems. Look at it like a "mystery" and at yourself and therapists as a top notch detective team working to solve the case.

thanks so much for responding. i has also forgotten to mention i have social anxiety issues. i guess its part of the book thing (which, i thought i was alone too) and i start isolating myself...which i have already done. i have just recieved word that my "plan" has indeed failed. i had hoped my mom could schedule it so then i would feel obligated in a way and wouldnt back out. apparently, she cant. the clinic told her that i have to go to the campus counselor and have them set up the appointment. yea right! the entire purpose of even disclosing to my mom that i was going back into therapy was to avoid said action. i am also afraid the counselor may want to know the reasoning behind my action....i do not want them to know why i am goin. besides that, i dont even know where that is on campus. i havent heard anything about said office....and i hear a lot. its not even in the handbook, i do not believe. blah. back to square one. this is stressful.

It might say where it is on your university's website... and you might find they've got an email address you could write to, perhaps...

i have looked on the website and both times i wrote to student services i never got a response. thanks tho

I was just wondering what college you go to. I also go to a Christian college and am actually starting a recovery group on campus. If you don't feel comfortable saying on here I'd really appreciate it if you'd pm me.

University of the Cumberlands>Ky

Wow that sounds difficult. Personally i think a school/college like that is BAD NEWS! (I believe in gay rights etc)

You shouldn't be PERSECUTED because you cut in my opinion, it's just because you are suffering.

My thoughts are with you.

Gold.

Hi, it sounds that you have what it takes to take care of yourself! You know whats wrong and want to improve your way of life, and i look up to you for that!
Youve already made the biggest step, to make an appointment for therepy, now give it time and be confident that you can pull trough! By time it will get easyer to go, but dont be afraid, be proud because you are stepping up and defending what is most precious to you, yourself!
Dont worry about school firstly i doubt they will throw you out for cutting yourself, (its not seen the same as being gay...i am not justifijing what they did) and secondly you should worry about yourself before you think about anybody else!
Good luck and be proud of what you are achieving.

I do not condone to what they did. However, my tuition is completely paid for by scholarships and grants through this school. thanks for such nice posts.

I've looked up your university and had a look at the website and it's really weird how there is absolutely no mention of any kind of student support...I thought all universities had support systems in place to help their students. I was going to suggest visiting the Student Union and seeing if they can suggest anyone to contact but from looking at their site, I'm not sure if it's the right place.

Maybe best to just contact the counselling service and say that you want to talk to a therapist out of town because you think it would give you better long-term support, or something. They are there, but you don't need them, so they don't need to know the whole story: you could say anything to get by them.

I suppose they do, but yea, like I said...I can't find any information on it. Its not in the handbook either and student services hasn't answered any of my emails. There is a local mental health/counseling place here in town, but like I have also said, I am really scared to call. Why can't my mom do it? They told her to tell me that I need to go through my guidance counselor....haven't heard of any of those either. on a side note...pretty campus though, isn't it?

I'm scared of doing things like making phone calls too. I can sit by the phone all day making excuses not to ring - and then not ring even when I need to. But recently I've found that it is far more empowering actually doing something feared/ dreaded - like phoning - than the anxiety and guilt that surrounds *not* doing it. I am too avoidant and I am trying to combat that by reminding myself about how much better I feel when I do confront my fear than always running away from it and ignoring it/ avoiding it.

So maybe none of that applies anyway, since you say you have social anxiety, but perhaps if you could just convince yourself of how much better you'd feel to have this sorted out than wondering what to do about it... you'd be motivated to ring?

thanks again for the advice nice people. i am gona (try) to call tomorrow.

Hi Halliebeth,

Is there a student health services office on your campus...an office where you could go, for instance, if you had a sore throat and needed to get it checked? If there is, you could try going there and asking them for instructions to the mental health services office. I went to a Christian university, too. At least on our campus, we had a health services office - they were extremely kind and helpful, and I know they would have helped students find the counseling department. They also helped students get off-campus medical referrals when necessary, at least on our campus.

Take care,
ErinBear

thats is very good advice. i think i am gonna try calling first.......its easier than being in person.

Did you try contacting the counselling ppl then, Halliebeth?

i called today actually.....i have an appointment on friday oct 13. im really anxious about it, but i know i need to go. for example: last night i had the most horrible feeling of a zombie...depersonalization i think its called...omg! it was horrible!!! i ended up cutting and well, i ummm did something kind of odd actually. i wanted to be alone so i went and sat on my dorm's porch, but it got cold so i uh sat under the stairwell leading to my room in the basement. i dont remember exactly how it made me feel better, i just remember hiding behind the actual steps and eventually curling up in the fetal position on the cold floor. i had tried calling people all day, so i did try to deal with before i cut. but for some reason...the stairs...i dunno they consoled me. and one of my bestest friends was talking to me last night AFTER i had calmed down and wanted to know if i had ever gotten my meds refilled...i told her yes and that i take them. apparently i am acting "strange" and am "not myself" i dunno how i take that or how i should deal with whats been happening lately. its strange, yesterday i was all down and today im still kinda not chipper but i have so many ideas for stuff to do and it seems like i just dont have enough time to get it done. like i wanna keep typing an di wanna do hmwk and make a shirt and decorate my walls and go to walmart and....gosh./ see what i mean? can anyone make some sense of whats goin one with me?!?

maybe you're a bit manic?

isnt that what happens when ur bipolar tho?

Having so many things that you want to do is a sign of mania. You don't sound full-blown manic, but maybe a bit hypomanic. It's something you could talk about at your appointment.

I hide sometimes too. When I was in college and I had awful roommates who were shunning me, I started hiding under the desk or in a closet. There were several reasons for doing that - like to show that they were treating me like I was subhuman and I didn't deserve to take up space, or to be near people at least since they stopped talking whenever I entered the room they were in. It was comforting to hide, and felt a little more secure. I still hide sometimes. My bathroom has a vanity counter, and I get under that in the little nook that creates underneath it. I have also had a compulsion to hide under a desk at work when I'm having a bad day or maybe overstimulated, or in a place where I feel anxious and uncomfortable. I try to resist hiding under desks in public these days.

they dont shun mr or anything, but a roommate did umm find me last night under the stairs...accident too dangit! i think she thinks im a freak now. i dont feel like that often, but in the last hour my mood has shifted, i'mkinda getting depressed again-like i wanna cry for no reason.

of course...they dont know anything about my depression/anxiety/cutting issues either. and i am bound and determined for them NOT to know