[Chippie]

My boyfriend found out my cutting, I feel so horrible, he knew a little about it but I had gotten a book just to help me understand stuff and he found it when I left. When I met back up with him he was crying, he had the sweetest note for me saying he'd be glad to help, but he kept on looking at me all day like he was scared of me. I can't handle it all he'd talk about was death and stuff. Now I don't know I'm just confused I don't know what to think all these emotions are just building up, I can feel that desire to cut is coming I don't want to i feel so selfish. I don't know, I guess I just need to try and calm down. Now I'm really depressed. I think I'm gonna try hiding in the shadows tonight and hope I will be forgotten about

[Zenobia]

Perhaps is wasn't looking as if he was scared of you but rather scared FOR you. I spent years hiding this from my husband. When he first found out he freaked. He thought he had lost me forever because it was the first time he had seen my pain written on my flesh. He was afraid of what I did and he was afraid to try to understand because to understand you have to touch a little of that pain. It took him time. For a long time he denied that I was sick, that I needed help. He couldn't understand how I could be so "with it" so much of the time, a seemingly fully functioning human being and still be able to carve pictograms onto my body. It didn't make sense to him. Time has passed, he has watched me struggle through therapy. He has learned more of my story, of the abuse and the rapes and the shear loneliness. He has begun to understand.

What I am trying to say is, it will take time for you sweety to fully comprehend what he has just learned. He needs time to process it and to be freaky about it. This is something even we don't totally understand so it must be darn near unfathomable to someone who has not experienced it himself. Give him a copy of the book. Talk to him about how it hurts. I still can't talk openly about my SI but I am learning to talk about the pain the lies under it. I think that has made a difference.
Carrie

[Rapunzel]

Give him some time to let it sink in. It's a hard thing for some people to understand, but it does sound like he cares about you. Did he read much of the book? This can be a good thing to have someone who is on your side and wants to help you. If he's ready, maybe you can explain to him what it really is about, so that he understands it better.

{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Chippie]

He has dealt with cutting before, he quit right away no problem. For me, I have tried and I have gotten better but I am not as open as he is I want to yell and scream and put blame where it's really deserved but I don't know why I just can't. I feel selfish and weak in not being able to put this behind me. I know I shouldn't feel like that. I have already tried talking a little with him but it doesn't get through. Geez, now I just want that last cut, I'm so selfish how can I be thinking that. It's all I can think about though I can't sleep, too much going through my mind. I think I'll just go back into my little hiding place for the night and try and find some happy music, maybe I will wake up and this all can be one bad dream, one can only wish.

[Rapunzel]

It's a bigger monster than most of us can beat all on our own. Getting a book about it shows that you are making an effort to fight it. Nobody expects you to win this battle instantly and all by yourself. Cutting is just the tip of the iceberg - it is the part that is visible of deep problems that go all the way through us. You are not selfish or weak, and needing help to beat this monster doesn't make you selfish or weak either. Nobody can tell you how you "should" or "shouldn't" feel though - you feel how you feel. Feelings don't have to be rational.


<font color=orange>"Everyone has a need for significance; and if we can't make that possible, or even probable, in our society, then it will be obtained in destructive ways." -Rollo May</font color=orange>

[FearsomeAnna]

Chippie,

You say your sweetie has cut before. Chances are, he's not scared OF you, he's scared FOR you - because he knows the depth of the pain that causes you to SI. When my family found out my sister cut, we were all terrified that we were about to lose her - we felt helpless and didn't know what do to. Now with some education under our belts, its much easier to understand and to help. We don't judge, we just let her know that whatever she needs or wants us to do to help her feel better, we'll be there. Who would we be to judge someone else's pain as irrational, dumb, or stupid? We haven't all been in everyone else's shoes. Your feelings are absoultely valid, no matter why you have them. It's not like you can magically "poof!" make them go away. Right now, you're dealing the best way you know how. There are healthier ways to deal with this kind of pain, but if you are not there yet then forcing you isn't going to make it help. I'm bipolar I and my fiance has been with me through some of the most crushing depression and most violent manic episodes. My embarassment because of my behavior has not made him love me any less - in fact he loves me more because I am comfortable enough around him not to put on a false front just to please him. Don't feel that you have to hide this from your boyfriend - help him become educated, tell him how he can best help you - even if it's just a shoulder to cry on or to hear you vent or anything that can keep those emotions from bottling up.

some of it's magic
some of it's tragic
but i had a good life all the way......
~jimmy buffett