have not done anything in a while and literally just did

I do not usually cut that often and typically if I do its when I am pushed to a far far point with things and I just can't deal.

and I am sad to say that yes I did just sort of self injure. I guess I say sort of cause I did not really do anything that made myself bleed. but I still cut on myself with a safety pin a couple dozen times just now.

I am feeling a lot of pressure from lots of different things, my own personal health mentally and physically.

my social life which feels constantly like its on damned titer toter half the time.

and trying to grow close to my once abusive father, that now has cancer.

I have been bottling up a lot of emotions inside and sometimes I just can't do it all. I feel poorly that I go to self injury but its something that will not just automatically change over night I do this as a coping skill for years. I just was not always aware that, that was in fact what i was doing.

confused and hurt would be good ways to sum up on how I feel.

it sounds like you have a lot of things going on in your life that overwhelmed you to the point that the only way you felt you could cope was through self harm. Im sorry you are struggling so much right now. when you are feeling this way, try to see yourself more compassionately. how would you help someone hurting as much as you and treat yourself accordingly. take care.

I had another incident later tonight that made me quite litterally run out a door into the night away from people.

I am in the processes of training for women't mma fighting and a lot of the time a friend of mine that is coaching me right now can be really hard on me with my fighting since I am a newbie but he does not always seem to remember.

That I am a boarderline personality.....I take nearly all things that all people say to me to heart.

and so hearing his judgments on me fighting even play fighting when I feel personally like I am doing better is hard for me to hear.

But I keep reminding myself that, I am feeling down and depressed about things, but for as much as I have felt depressed I have done a good job of not letting it show. I literally verbally made myself not break down into tears and cry, cause I was tired of crying over things.

between him and I, or letting things get to me to the point I want to cry. One of the main reasons I train for mma and do lots of sports, is because I want to over come my past as a rape victim I view myself as weak due to that and due to my mental health issues and I want to be stronger.

And even when I feel weak like I did tonight I was actually, being strong, yes I was depressed but I was not letting my emotions get the better of me I took time away from the situation, and I meditated outside for a lil while and did some intense workout stuff...and it took my stress away and made things better.