[ThisWayOut]

I really want to destroy myself... but I can't. there's no privacy at the moment. there's no way to get away, so I just have to hold out, but so wanting to destroy myself right now... i hate all of this so much.

[mazing]

Hang in there. The impulses pass. The triggers pass. Take it one moment at a time. You can get through this.

Thinking of you

[gayleggg]

Hold on. You really don't want to hurt yourself. It is only a feeling. It will pass. Is there someone you can call to help you get through this horrible time? Call a helpline. Anything but hurt yourself.

[ThisWayOut]

Thanks. I wrote quite a bit about it in my blog to my t, tho I don't think I will show it to her. The super-intense feelings have passed (they only lasted about 4 hours). The thoughts are still there, but now tempered with knowing my wedding anniversary is coming up Friday, and I want to keep it positive for both my wife and I. No guarantees aFter then, but I'm hoping my mood will lighten a bit in the week... I hate these crazy impulses and the intensity they hit with. I wish there was something that could permanently help. :/

[mazing]

I definitely know the feeling about no permanent fix! But well done for getting through. Sometimes all we can do is take it one moment or day at a time, focusing on the important things coming up in life.

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

You can think and think on these desires, which will only make them harder to ignore, or you can pre-emptively strike them with distraction and relaxation techniques.

I guess you could think of it like this:

Urge > Opportunity > Action

Catch it in the middle; don't give it the opportunity. Stay focused and rational.

[ThisWayOut]

I can't shake the desire to self harm again today... really wishing I had access to more daily in-person support around all this. I feel like I'm once again teetering on the edge of a crisis. I don;t want to ask my T for more, because I don't want to become "that drama queen" to her also... ugh... It all feels like so much drama. how do you break out of the cycle? (this is me being able to ask the question before I hit the cycle of "drama" and get engulfed in it... I may not be able to - or care to - break out of it in the near future...)

[mazing]

While I understand not wanting to put too much on your T I would really suggest you try and contact them. They are there to help, especially when you are in or near crisis.

You are not a drama queen You are struggling and deserve to get help. Your T should understand that. Your T may also be able to help you to break out of that cycle.

[ThisWayOut]

I see her again tonight. I will try to talk about all this. The self harm doesn't go away. It's such a painful (emotionally) and humiliating struggle. I'm still trying to balance the many messages of being drama/attention-seeking and knowing what's legit emotional mess... and I still worry about pissing her off.

[mazing]

I can completely understand that - but your T is there for you no matter what the reasons behind it. If you are struggling they are there for you, and so is this forum.

Are you able to talk to her about your concerns of 'issing her off? It might be something you can work through together to discuss when and how it is best to share things.

[ThisWayOut]

Today was productive. I didn't expect her to read the journal entry I posted last week, but nowe I'm glad she did. I originally was going to try to struggle through it and tell her what I had written so I brought a coloring book to help distract from too much emotion. After finding out she had skimmed the entry, I kinda just went with whatever she wanted to talk about from it. I had admitted to the si thoughts and the self harm urges. We were able to cover that in quite a bit of depth. I was also able to tell her how ridiculous I felt asking for help when I had no idea what that help should look like. I mentioned worrying about making her mad, And I'm glad she did not just try to placate my fears. Were talked about a lot of stuff, and I ended up being able to figure out that sometimes I just need accountability to be able to make it through the moment. We came up with informal safety agreements, and I see her again at the end of the week. In the mean time, she wants me to come up with a collage or art piece depicting what it is I'm needing when I ask for help (since I really don't know outside of physical safety and accountability). That will be tough, but I hope I can come up with something.
What does a "normal" person need when they ask for help? I seriously have no clue... What do you ask for before it gets to the extreme of needing physical safety?

[mazing]

I'm really glad that talking to her helped.

What helps is different depending on the person and it might take a bit of trial and error for what does help you. It could be thinks like accountability, physical safety and comfort, kind and comforting words, someone to listen, someone to help you find resources/other supports.

It would really depend on what was going on and how you needed/wanted to address the issue. Can you think of a time where you wanted someone to help with something (even something small) and look at what would have made you feel better, or what they did and what they could have done differently? Or think of a scenario and what you would do to try and help someone who was struggling - real or imagined. Sometimes it can help to distance yourself a bit by thinking of someone else.

Good luck

[ThisWayOut]

I've been trying to do the collage since Tuesday. I have not gotten anywhere. I left her a message asking if it was to late to reserve the art therapy room for Saturday. I hope she can get it, then we could work on it together. I'm having so much trouble figuring out what would be helpful when I'm falling apart. :/