[grey_aj]

I know that a lot of terrible things have happened to a lot of people, but to be completely honest, I don't feel like I fall into that category. My life has been pretty normal, so I don't feel like I have the right to feel depressed, or the right to harm myself. I feel pathetic as it is, and this just makes me feel... even more so.

I suppose the atmosphere in my house can get really toxic, but isn't it like that with all families? My parents are overbearing but I'm an only child, so I don't really have perspective on what a family should be like except for theirs. Everyone tells me how lucky I am and stuff, but I just want to strangle them. I stress out about my future and about my past, but obviously I'm just too stupid to cope with even this amount of pressure. I don't really know how else to explain it, but I just feel like I don't have the right to be depressed or triggered or anything.

Thanks for reading.

- AJ

The right??? Not to make light of your statement (cuz that is NOT my intention). In fact, I fully "get" what you are saying. Yet the statement "sounds" funny in my head.

But you DO have that right..... Your suffering is not because of anything YOU did.

I visit several websites and I see so much pain and abuse and crap thrust upon good people.... It really is heartbreaking. It is unfair that so many suffer, when they do not deserve such pain.

I feel that my depression is *self inflicted*. Yes I had it as a kid/teenager/young adult/ even a not so young adult. But it was under control until I had an affair. Then the guilt was so great that I went over the edge. MANY suicide attempts - and nobody had a clue of what was going on. Yet here I am....

So, I read of all the pain you all endure and my heart breaks. And I can not (not just words - I literally can not) look in the mirror. I HATE THAT MAN. And I have no right to "understanding".

So, I disagree with you. You DO have the right. But more importantly you *deserve* to get better.

[grey_aj]

Thanks for the reply, but ahhhhh omg okay let me try this again.

I also feel like my depression is "self-inflicted". People have had bad things happen to them, hence their depression. So when I AM depressed or when I DO self-harm, I feel like I am making a big deal out of nothing. And that makes me feel pathetic.

I think that does a better job at expressing what I wanted to say.

- AJ

[atomicc]

Originally Posted by ajbpdljhsk

Thanks for the reply, but ahhhhh omg okay let me try this again.

I also feel like my depression is "self-inflicted". People have had bad things happen to them, hence their depression. So when I AM depressed or when I DO self-harm, I feel like I am making a big deal out of nothing. And that makes me feel pathetic.

I think that does a better job at expressing what I wanted to say.

- AJ

No one chooses to be depressed and it doesn't have to be because something bad happened to them. You have a right to struggle, the right to harm yourself if it's what you choose to do.
Nothing intensely awful happened in my life until recently and I've still always suffered with worries, anxiety and pain. We can't control it at all. :/

^^^ What she said (since I was not nearly good enough to say it well).

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by ajbpdljhsk

Thanks for the reply, but ahhhhh omg okay let me try this again.

I also feel like my depression is "self-inflicted". People have had bad things happen to them, hence their depression. So when I AM depressed or when I DO self-harm, I feel like I am making a big deal out of nothing. And that makes me feel pathetic.

I think that does a better job at expressing what I wanted to say.

- AJ

I've mentioned to T how other people have "really hard lives" etc. and "real pain" and feel quite similar to you. While I do have some past trauma, its no where near (imo) what I see other people go through. And I didn't start self harming until I was in college - so I do also feel like my "right to do it" can't be validated (told T I felt like a "fake" self harmer...) But T told me, and now i'm telling you - that pain is pain. No matter whether it is being experienced from a blade on a wrist or a pinch on the arm. The person is still feeling pain. Don't minimize your struggle or allow yourself to invalidate your feelings. It's okay to feel down, it's okay to feel bad. Sometimes people get sad in the middle of a joyous occasion - it's just part of how our emotions work! It's not okay to hurt yourself (you're worth so much more!) - but it is okay if you do it and you deserve just as much support as the next person.

[grey_aj]

Thanks so much for the replies guys.

I don't know... I feel like I sometimes put myself in these depressing situations on purpose for some twisted reason that I don't even know. Agh.

Well anyways, thanks guys.

- AJ

[coleychi]

Hi AJ. My friend, Mel linked me to this thread because I can really (REALLY) relate to how you're feeling. When I go to hospitals or what not, I hear these horror stories of people being abused or distant parents or terrible circumstances and I feel like my depression isn't "justified" Like you, I feel like all the external events in my life have been pretty normal (if not completely fortunate-- I was born into a really good, affluent, loving family). My parents love me, there's no question about that, but from what you wrote, I think I can relate to the overbearingness. I was fortunate to grow up with both my parents always around since my dad works out of the house and my mom doesn't need to work.

My parents-- more so my mom than my dad-- were extremely involved in my life throughout high school. They put a lot of pressure on me to do well and get into a respectable college. My mom would help me as much as she could-- she'd quiz me on my Spanish vocab and proofread some of my papers... when I got depressed, it got to the point where she was pretty much writing my college apps for me. My parents have since lightened up (they even told me that if right now isn't the right time for college, I can do something else-- something that I would have never even imagined them saying 5 years ago)... but their expectations continue to haunt me even though the external pressure is off.

So similar to you, I feel like nothing in my life has warranted my depression. I feel guilty for doing this to my parents-- as loving parents, I feel like they deserve a better daughter than me. Sometimes when I can't get out of bed or have a hard time functioning, I blame myself for being lazy.

I def agree with what atomicc said. No one chooses depression for themselves, something that my T reminds me quite often when I'm in her office sobbing over nothing in particular. She tells me that I clearly wouldn't feel this way/do this to myself if I didn't have to. Depression can be caused by external circumstances... but you also have to remember the brain chemistry about it and some of depression is just out of our hands. Even if nothing "bad' happened to us, our depression is validated because we still feel the overwhelming emotions and have to cope with them.

Originally Posted by ajbpdljhsk

Thanks so much for the replies guys.

I don't know... I feel like I sometimes put myself in these depressing situations on purpose for some twisted reason that I don't even know. Agh.

Well anyways, thanks guys.

- AJ

Again - this sounds familiar in my head..... almost like we have this uncontrollable desire to be self-destructive. That if we start to feel good/normal - that we feel guilty for it and then spiral back into our darkness.

[grey_aj]

Coleychi, I can totally relate to what you said, especially about your parents. Mine are the same. They are practically doing everything for me and I don't know if it's my fault or theirs. I have no perspective and that bothers me so much. I know I should be trying harder and doing better but how can I be motivated when my parents are the ones experiencing all the motivation for me? I know they want what's best for me and that they're doing that they can, but at the same time, I just do not have space to breathe. They don't trust me, and I don't know whose to blame for that.

They do not know about my SI--I would literally die if they found out. Literally. Die. They're extremely judgmental people it's insane.

But anyways, my parents are a whole different issue that will hopefully improve when I graduate and get out of here. Thanks again guys.

- AJ

[Perna]

Originally Posted by ajbpdljhsk

People have had bad things happen to them, hence their depression.

That is situational depression and does not necessarily lead to Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) the illness. We are all born with personalities, strengths and weaknesses in our genes. I may have 60% antidepressant genes and only 40% depressant genes whereas you might have the reverse amount. True, it is not that simple, bad things can also happen to "push" or trigger the tendencies but even that is not all there is.

"They" don't really know what causes depression in any particular individual or even how to define it clearly for any particular individual. To me, someone telling me all my life (with no other opposing opinions) that I'm lucky and have nothing to be depressed about, etc. would be major abuse :-) Other people's/parents and adults jobs, are not to tell us who we are and how to be, they are to help us discover our strengths and weaknesses and support us as we learn about ourselves and the world around us. It does not sound like you had any of that.

this could easily also be posted as a debate

do people have the right to self harm- do people have the right to do what they want to their body

sorry... i know i'm not helping- just an observation i had

@shattered.

How funny is it that society accepts abortion (murder in my mind) and that is okay. But some MINOR cuts or even a little head-banging is something they literally DO CALL THE COPS about.

And they say I am nuts?? Society has lost it.

[coleychi]

Originally Posted by ajbpdljhsk

Coleychi, I can totally relate to what you said, especially about your parents. Mine are the same. They are practically doing everything for me and I don't know if it's my fault or theirs. I have no perspective and that bothers me so much. I know I should be trying harder and doing better but how can I be motivated when my parents are the ones experiencing all the motivation for me? I know they want what's best for me and that they're doing that they can, but at the same time, I just do not have space to breathe. They don't trust me, and I don't know whose to blame for that.

They do not know about my SI--I would literally die if they found out. Literally. Die. They're extremely judgmental people it's insane.

But anyways, my parents are a whole different issue that will hopefully improve when I graduate and get out of here. Thanks again guys.

- AJ

Yup!! I can relate to that. My goals were my parents goals for a very long time and, as a dutiful, people-pleasing daughter, I always did what I thought they wanted. It wasn't until I spiraled into depression-- and even a few years after-- that they became more flexible.

My relationship with my mom is extremely codependent but it's something we began to work on 2 years ago and started looking at again this past summer. My parents are trying to allow me to navigate the world for myself and do what I want/what will make me happy... but the problem is, after 21 years of doing what they want, I can't divorce my own goals from theirs. And I still feel indebted to them/obligated to graduate from college. It's hard because as much as my parents were trying to protect me and help me live the life they thought was best, I'm now unhappy and unable to make decisions for myself.

I'm sorry your parents don't trust you. When I was 16.. until I was about 19 or 20, I hid a lot from my parents. I wouldn't let them know I was feeling depressed until I was suicidal or shoving pills down my throat and they were always blindsided and, in a way, hurt. Since being more open (and through some family therapy), my parents attitude and treatment of me has changed. They're less inclined to tell me what to do (we're working on eliminating the word "should" from their vocabularies) although I know that everything they do/did was done with good intentions. Have you ever considered family therapy or being more open about how you're feeling? Your parents' reactions might surprise you