This may be too weird to some... And I do not know if I can express this well enough to be understandable.

I have had a number of suicide attempts. My therapists (I have multiple) know this. My DBT therapist is working hard on getting me to stop my SH.

IMO - cutting is one thing (which I do). I also "knock" on my head (very similar to how you knock on a door). It does not leave any marks. There is NO damage. Thus, (IMO) it is not self harm. Yet I **need** this - it kinda slaps me back into reality. Or awakens me when I feel like I am falling asleep / inattentive (like at work or while driving). Sometimes it is more aggressive (pounding on door frames or other hard objects) - she doesn't really know about that....

I have been not been in a good place lately.... as in some serious suicidal ideation.

Part of this was I tried (and succeeded) on a whole day with no SH (not even head knocking). It was an AWFUL day. I was struggling terribly to get through the day and it was VERY triggering to me. Personally I firmly believe that without my SH - I would commit suicide. Thus SH is a net good.

My shrink knows this - yet on Monday she told me that I need to have two days with ZERO self harm. I feel totally out of control. I am cutting every day. Pounding my head. And I can not stop thinking of hanging myself...... I think she is CAUSING more harm.

Am I way out of line??

[Sterella]

I completely understand. Its so hard anymore not to do ANY SI. When I don't, even for a day or two, I feel so empty and feel absolutely nothing. On those days, I feel like it doesn't matter if I die.

But you know what? I hate living with eternal guilt over my SI too! I just keep telling myself that stopping SI will allow me to feel on my own, and that helps me hold on a bit longer.

I've also been trying to "wean" myself off of cutting by doing less deep ones, and then only shallow, and now I'm only allowing small, shallow cuts...and then only if I absolutely need to.

Be safe, Useless Me. I really care about you and definitely want you to feel better!

Thank you Sterella.....

I do not have any "guilt" issues on SH. I view SH as a way of protecting myself. I believe I certainly could stop the cutting... probably very easily. But I will NOT give up my head knocking.... When I try to stop that - my anxiety goes through the roof and I strongly consider ........... bad things.

[Victoria'smom]

I would try on the week-end where there are less triggers, maybe not this weekend. Maybe you need to talk to him/her more about this before trying to go 2 days maybe start withe a certain amount of hours? No one would tell a 2 pack a day smoker to go 2 days without smoking.

[musicflows]

I know how you feel. My first appointment with my new therapist this last August was difficult. I told her about the suicide pills I had hidden away "just in case" and she wouldn't let me leave her office until I promised to dispose of them, tell one other person about them (my sister) and then email her when I had done that. Then I had to come in the next day for a follow-up.
I didn't want to get sent to the hospital, so I did as she requested. Afterward, my anxiety levels were so high that I actually sewed my razor blade to my arm. I don't know how it happened. One moment I was contemplating my embroidery kit and the next thing I knew...I'd done it. It was rather horrifying, but I felt much safer somehow.

My point is, when you're asked to give up something that is your life-line, even if it appears to be harmful on the outside, it can cause enormous levels of anxiety because you simply aren't prepared to cope with such changes.

Two days isn't that long, but it can feel like an eternity, I know. Here's what you can do: make a hour count of the day in a notebook and every hour you go without self harming, mark it down in the book. This way, you will be able to see your progress and focus on the goal. If you need to self harm, make sure you write down your distinctive feelings around the time you did do it, then try to get right back on track. Take it hour by hour.

You can do it! I believe in you!

[CrimsonBlues]

Hello Useless Me-
I wanted to first send you a hug and then tell you that I empathize with you. I too use self-injury (cutting) to help ease suicidal thoughts and feelings. That is one of the reasons I cut myself and I don't know what I would do if I didn't have that. I think that ultimatums can make matters worse, your therapist telling you to go two days without any SH. I had a therapist who responded in an anxious way to the SH issue and it just caused me to feel more anxious, and more badly about myself, and to deal with it I cut myself even more. The thing was, the therapist never helped me with alternative ways of dealing with the overwhelming thoughts and feelings-he just wanted me to stop. I can understand your feelings about this.

[adam_k]

For some self harm is a coping skill.

For me I get the strongest urges when I feel alone or abandoned. Also but to a lesser degree when I don't feel like I am doing good enough. It was a way to express how I was feeling at the time.

Stopping self harm without replacing it with another skill that lets you deal with problems would feel horrorendous to me.

I think the key to stopping self harm is to reduce as much as you can the stressors in your life. Then build a support system. A group of poeple or even just someone you cam talk to when things get to much.

I think it takes a lot to understand why you do it and what you get out of it. Once you know what it does for you then you can work on more positive skills that can do the same thing.

If it makes you feel calm then try to hold off from doing it and do something that can calm you down like meditation, taking a bath or talking things out with someone you trust.

I still struggle. There was a point where I didn't do it for 8 years. Then some marriage problems and issues I was trying to deal with that I couldn't cope with in a positive way.

Try to find ways that are healthy that get the se effect. For me, nothing is as effective, but there are things I can do to be able to manage well enough when emotions come up that make me want to hurt myself.

[CrimsonBlues]

Originally Posted by Useless Me

This may be too weird to some... And I do not know if I can express this well enough to be understandable.

I have had a number of suicide attempts. My therapists (I have multiple) know this. My DBT therapist is working hard on getting me to stop my SH.

IMO - cutting is one thing (which I do). I also "knock" on my head (very similar to how you knock on a door). It does not leave any marks. There is NO damage. Thus, (IMO) it is not self harm. Yet I **need** this - it kinda slaps me back into reality. Or awakens me when I feel like I am falling asleep / inattentive (like at work or while driving). Sometimes it is more aggressive (pounding on door frames or other hard objects) - she doesn't really know about that....

I have been not been in a good place lately.... as in some serious suicidal ideation.

Part of this was I tried (and succeeded) on a whole day with no SH (not even head knocking). It was an AWFUL day. I was struggling terribly to get through the day and it was VERY triggering to me. Personally I firmly believe that without my SH - I would commit suicide. Thus SH is a net good.

My shrink knows this - yet on Monday she told me that I need to have two days with ZERO self harm. I feel totally out of control. I am cutting every day. Pounding my head. And I can not stop thinking of hanging myself...... I think she is CAUSING more harm.

Am I way out of line??

Just wondered how you're doing. Hope you're okay.

my therapist and i talked about this. she has backed off of the no self harm thing... but now she is making me come up with one reason to live, every day this week.

Hell - I can not think of two reasons, let alone seven.

GRRR

But, thank you for asking. I am doing a lot better than I was.