[AmmoniaJane]

Well, it'd been about a year, I'd been so controlled, and I screwed all that up.
My fiancé is having dinner at his parents, I was wrecked from work so I stayed home. I thought I was ok, until I went over my calorie limit, and couldn't face getting on the elliptical trainer. So I sat here and burnt, now I've got a flannel on my arm full of ice trying to minimise the damage, which is useless.
He's going to see them, I'm going to have to explain, and he's going to insist I go see someone.
The ironic part? I got up and did half an hour on the trainer after...
I'm a god damn mess, I thought I was past this crap.

[grey_aj]

Hey hey listen. I know it doesn't feel like it, but it's okay. Even though it may not feel like it and you may not see it, you have made progress within the "about a year". You definitely have. I've relapsed at the almost-1yr mark so many times, but you can't let that one moment define the whole past year. You came across a situation where you didn't know how to deal, and you dealt in a way you knew how. Next time this kind of thing comes up, you'll be more aware.

Have you heard the song "Accidents Can Happen" by Sixx AM?

Please take care and don't beat yourself up too much.

- AJ

[AmmoniaJane]

Thanks, yeah I happy I lasted this long, considering I've been having crazy strong urges over the past couple of months; at the same time it's almost more annoying that I've resisted stronger urges lately than I had last night, for some reason last night I just gave in. I think the old mentality of "you deserve ugly scars" came back, rather than just the random urge. Maybe that was the difference *shrugs*
The worst part is that now I've done it, I want it more, I think I'll be ok and won't do anything, but the fact I've done it again makes me want it more.
And, if my other half has noticed, he hasn't mentioned it, so I dunno, maybe I'm just amazing with covering up things with make up...
Thanks for that though, it's good to know I'm not a complete failure for relapsing a bit.

[grey_aj]

Yeah, I get you completely. Last year I went through some really terrible urges... I could literally physically could feel my skin crawling at night and I was curled up on my bed to stop myself... but somehow I got through those. And then a few months later I just missed it and did it for no apparent reason whatsoever. So I totally get what you mean.

If you think he knows about it and simply isn't saying anything, then it turns into this elephant in the room... it's on everyone's mind but no one says anything, you know? So if that happens I think you should say something, if not for your sake then for his, to relieve the pressure he might be feeling.

Just a thought.

- AJ

[AmmoniaJane]

I know I should bring it up, but I know he's going to want me to go talk to someone, and I HATE talking to Drs or Ts, it always feel so god damn awkward and self indulgent, I did it twice a few years ago, and by the second appointment she wanted to put me on meds, it was all just so fast, like a quick fix ******** thing; it's really turned me off that.
I can deal with opening up on here because I don't have to vocalise anything, when I have to physically SAY what's going on in my mind I just freeze up and can't put anything into words, I hate hearing everything actually come out of my mouth.
I know it's stupid, but it's the reason I've never been able to talk about this stuff, even when I was called out on it by my dr when he was looking at my wrist when I buggered it up, and he pulled my sleeve up further than I was expecting. He asked me if I wanted to talk about it and all I could say was "No."

[grey_aj]

Again, I totally get you on the talking thing! Whenever I try actually talking, the words just get stuck in my throat and even if I wanted to say something I wouldn't be able to. It's the worst. You don't really realize how much it hurts until you say it.

I think you should tell him that you know he wants you to talk to a T/Dr, but then say that you would much rather talk to him... he is your significant other after all, and ultimately he should be the one with the strongest ability to make you feel better. Tell him that you want to talk to HIM specifically, and not just about SI in general. I don't know the depth of your relationship, but anyways, that is just my own personal opinion of what you could do.

- AJ

[AmmoniaJane]

I suppose you're right, I should talk to him about it, I just worry, because he always blames himself for everything, and I know he'll blame himself. Plus I'll have to explain the whole ED thing, and, he just doesn't get it, which is understandable.
I might try writing my thoughts down, it might make it easier, and make more sense.

[grey_aj]

Well you can always PM me and tell me how it goes!

- AJ