[Rapunzel]

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( Rap ))))))))))))

Do you want to talk?

Love,
Fuzzy

[lenjan]

(((((((((Rap)))))))))) Holler if you need me.

Love, Candy

[Rapunzel]

((((((((bears)))))))))

can't talk now

[Rio_]

((((Rapunzel))))

[Rapunzel]

(((((((Rio)))))))

[Christina86]

(((((((((Rapunzel)))))))))

[Rapunzel]

(((((((((Christina)))))))))))

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((Rapunzel))))))))))))))))

[Rapunzel]

((((((((((bear))))))))))))

I hope it gets better Rapunzel. Thinking of you. (((((Rapunzel)))))

[Rapunzel]

(((((((((Always))))))))))

It's getting better. Hugs appreciated. And I'm sorry to everyone for not being more communicative. Yesterday and a few days previous were really bad, and I was very much caught up in destructive patterns. I wanted somebody to notice how bad I was feeling, and make me feel better, but I wanted to argue against anyone who tried (or just not talk about it), and fight for my right to feel bad. When I started to open my eyes and look around me (and, I just realized, the weather cleared up), I started seeing that I don't have anything to complain about that remotely compares to what a lot of people here are dealing with.

A bunch of things all hit at the same time. Icky, cloudy, rainy weather (T won't let me blame the weather, but it makes a huge difference); cramps (I don't tend to PMS, but I'm miserable and in pain for a day or two when it starts); feeling rejected by T for several weeks in a row just getting worse and worse and never getting anything right; not getting an appointment with T when I am desperate for it; giving away all of my sheep and most of my goats; DH saying the wrong thing at the wrong time; trying to find a good home for the 3 goats and 1 llama I kept because I couldn't bear to give them up, but it seems clear that I don't deserve them and DH is going to continue complaining about them even if he has apologized for it; kids trashing the house and refusing to clean up after themselves; the stress of trying to sell my house and move; not having enough time for everything I need to do (and a couple of tasks I've been avoiding and feeling intimidated by); not having time to sleep; not eating right; the end of a class I really enjoyed and possibility of losing contact with my classmates when I move; feeling like a lame duck at work since I'm leaving; being in limbo.

I could go on and on, but it's an accumulation of a whole bunch of stuff and even listing it is probably just a big whine. I'm not supposed to whine. I got totally overwhelmed, blew things out of proportion, overreacted big-time, and made myself miserable over it.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( Rap ))))))))))))))

hmmmmm I can think of some people who "blow things out of proportion" a lot more than you do. Like I have known for years but not always managed to apply....... it's a matter of perception

I see a lot of ugly, persecutory words used there about yourself. Maybe try talking to you like you would talk to a friend

[lenjan]

Rap, you are under piles and piles of stress. You're reacting properly to it, IMHO. I wouldn't consider it a whine at all!

I agree with Fuzzy --- you need to be a little kinder to yourself.

((((((((((((((Rap))))))))))

Love, Candy

[Rapunzel]

I reacted to it by coming up with a suicide plan and convincing myself that it made sense / might be a good idea. I'd say it was blown out of proportion and overreacting. Thanks for letting me whine, and not giving up on me.

[lenjan]

Hon, that sounds normal to me (considering that we here have a different definition of "normal"). If I were dealing with all you're dealing with, the same thoughts would have crossed my mind, I guarantee.

I'm glad you're feeling better, but I still don't think you should blame yourself for your reaction.

(((((((((((((((((Rap)))))))))))))) You have stuck it out with me and so many others here, why would I or anyone else give up on you? You have a lot to offer people, and a lot of them who care.

Hugs,
Candy

[damajdancer]

(((((((((((( Rapunzel ))))))))))))))
I really hope you feel better.

[Rapunzel]

(((((((((((Candy, Megan, Fuzzy))))))))))))

Thanks. The kids and I went up today to see a house we would like to get. If we can get moved then I can find a real job (hopefully) and start building new connections rather than clinging tentatively to old ones. Finances will be sticky until the house we are in gets sold. Anybody want to buy a house? I'll be closer to T after we move too, and could probably see her f2f more regularly. In 2 years I've still only seen her 10 times in person. It tends to go better f2f. I have three weeks now until I can see her, because of miscommunication and my schedule with classes and stuff. It's hard to take a whole day for that trip, but nice when I can. I can't tell her how bad it got this week, but I hinted vaguely and think she understood a little. I'll be on tiptoes for a while though with her.

Why would you give up on me? Because I continually give up on myself, and I have no right to expect anybody to give more than I'm willing to put into it myself.

[Fuzzybear]

You feel like giving up on yourself sometimes, you haven't given up though..... there is a HUGE difference!! I learnt that lesson in a big way just recently Some lessons need to be repeated until they stick..... and that is OK .

I do not think that either one of us will "fail" to heal. And I am usually right!

(((((((((((((( Rap ))))))))))))

[Rapunzel]

I sure hope you're right, Fuzzy.

[Fuzzybear]

We've got to keep trying, whatever that means to us. Sometimes we try harder than other times. Sometimes our best intentions and efforts backfire and we feel consumed by despair. This is often because we have not, yet, learnt some necessary skills IMO ..... but we both CAN learn those skills.:Sometimes we feel like completely giving up. But we haven't and I know now, in my heart, that I won't and I truly believe that you won't..... although only a few days ago at least a part of me felt like giving up..... or maybe it was anger and disgust? At the shiyt in life..... I am not sure now. I do think that was part of it

Sometimes we have to hit bottom a few times, or even a lot of times, before real growth occurs. Alhough I believe that both of us are growing all the time.... just not nearly as fast as we would like, or even need But need for what (?) We both are still here and have important positives in our lives, in my opinion, anyway.

I have faith in you and I mean that 100 percent

((((((((((( Rap ))))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

bump

[Rapunzel]

Fuzzy, I think you are right on track. I have faith in you too. We just have to remember to take more steps forward than backward, right?

I can't believe sometimes how hard it is to learn those skills. And it gets hard to keep track of which skills we're working on and how to do it. Right now I can see that I need to work on communication skills as well as how to deal with difficult emotions. How about you? If you know what it is that you need to learn, that makes brings it more in reach, and frustration is less likely to lead to despair. I hope, at least.

Rap

[Fuzzybear]

that is how I am feeling too....

(((((((((((((( Rap ))))))))))))))

[Soidhonia]

Hello I hope things are going better for you at this time. My name is Soidhonia and I would like to leve yo a number you can call if you get into a crisis and would like to talk to someone 1-800DONT-CUT and 1-800 273-Talk. I am also going to leave you my email address if you would like to email.. neohiodbsa@yahoo.com. Take care Soidhonia