[CrimsonBlues]

****This post might be a trigger***







Hello.

I was thinking about a thread in this section, about triggers for self-injury and it made me think about the reasons why I injure myself. I cut myself for many reasons such as self-hate (feeling I deserve it) or a distraction when flashbacks become overwhelming or a distraction when I feel flooded by thoughts and feelings of hopelessness or because I have a problem feeling anger towards anyone and so I turn the anger inward toward myself. I also realized that I cut myself to indicate a physical manifestation of what I am feeling.

Throughout my childhood I was abused and in the times I tried to get help from a parent I was usually not believed or if there was some evidence of what happened I was often told that I had somehow instigated whatever happened to me. But not being believed was one of the worst parts for me. In the times that I didn't have a mark on my body to show that something had happened I was typically dismissed. Partly because of these responses to my attempts to get help I began to doubt myself. I began to question myself so much that I convinced myself that nothing bad had happened to me-I was just being too sensitive.

No one in my life knows about the cutting so I'm not trying to "prove" my pain in this way to other people but I think that I am trying to "prove" it to myself. I don't know if this makes any sense. Maybe this is just me being insane. I just wondered if anyone else can relate to this at all. I have never been able to talk about self-injury to anyone, other than doctors and therapists, and I am feeling grateful and anxious and hopeful to write this post. Thank you for reading.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Yes! That's how SI kind of works for me too. I always have a hard time when people ask me why I cut because the reasons are SO many! For me, cutting always made me see the physical manifestation of the trauma I was feeling internally. I found it helpful at the time to be able to look and see my pain as a real, tangible, physical thing. It was almost a relief.

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Originally Posted by CrimsonBlues;

I cut myself for many reasons such as self-hate

I can ABSOLUTELY relate to this.

Originally Posted by CrimsonBlues;

I feel flooded by thoughts and feelings of hopelessness

Are you a twin of mine that I never knew about?

Originally Posted by CrimsonBlues;

I also realized that I cut myself to indicate a physical manifestation of what I am feeling.

I have told my therapist that sometimes it is a visual thing, something that I can see - when I can not feel it.

Originally Posted by CrimsonBlues;

Throughout my childhood I was abused....

This is a tough one. My brother used to smack me around on a pretty much daily basis. Or he would sit on my chest until you felt you could not breathe - panic. Or he would literally smack me and yell 'quit crying'.

Here is the tough part. I totally feel that this abuse almost does not qualify as abuse when you compare it to other people... THEY had it bad, I did not.

Originally Posted by CrimsonBlues;

... and in the times I tried to get help from a parent I was usually not believed.

My mother used to tell me to handle it myself. She refused to step in and help (even though I was very small for my age and my brother was 30-40 pounds heavier than me and much more muscular. IE Impossible to defend yourself without me murdering him (no joke).

And again - this brings twisted thoughts. My mother loved us kids to no end (still does). She did everything for us. So I feel very guilty for bringing this up...... BUT, through her words and actions - she proved that I didn't matter as much. That of the three kids she had - that I was the least important. That she (her words) 'wished I had never been born'. Some wounds never heal.

Originally Posted by CrimsonBlues;

... I began to question myself so much that I convinced myself that nothing bad had happened to me-I was just being too sensitive.

And you would be yelled at for crying (or HIT until you stop crying - great logic). "Quit crying".

So, my brain learned to believe that this must be normal. This is acceptable. This is what I deserve.

Originally Posted by CrimsonBlues;

No one in my life knows about the cutting so I'm not trying to "prove" my pain...

I did not start to cut until about a year or two ago (and I am 48yo). I LOVE how nice your inside of your arm cuts so nice, bleeds nice, pretty painless (I am a wuss) - yet gives satisfaction. BUT, I have kids and I would never want to upset them. So now I only do areas that are covered by shorts - thus nobody will ever see them.

Originally Posted by CrimsonBlues;

Thank you for reading.

No, thank you for EXPRESSING what I am unable to express through words.

[CrimsonBlues]

Hello Angel of Bedlam-First of all, thank you so much for responding to me. I was so nervous that what I wrote would sound strange or not make any sense. As I wrote, I don't have much experience talking about SI with anyone outside of the mental health profession (not that the therapists I talked with helped me, unfortunately) so I didn't know how I would sound to other people. Yes, I am the same way-there are so many reasons why I cut myself and it can't be summed up in a couple of sentences. But you are so right-it does feel like a relief to have some way to put a visual to what sometimes cannot be adequately put into words-or it can be very hard to find the right words to explain the depth of the pain. I hope that you are doing okay and thank you again, so much, for responding to me.

Hello Useless Me-I have seen a few of your posts in the short time I have been a part of this forum-just a couple of days now-and I was thinking, "we seem so similar" and "I can so relate to what Useless Me is saying". Maybe we are twins. I want to first tell you that it makes no difference at all that it was your brother who hurt you, as far as whether it qualifies, as you wrote, and as far as it being just as bad as what anyone else who was abused has been through. There is a book that I need to find so I can give you the title but it is about sibling abuse. It describes how the effects of sibling abuse are just as traumatic as any abuse. One of the sources of the abuse that I went through was my older brother. He terrorized me throughout my childhood. He was sadistic and I never felt safe. It sounds like you went through something very similar. And, what you wrote about how you felt like you were the least important, how you were treated by your mother, is exactly how I felt. I knew that my brother was the star and no matter what he did to me I believed he was the good one and I was the bad one. And, just as you wrote, it was what I deserved.

Useless Me-what you described IS abusive and you have every right to feel whatever you do about what happened to you. I think that you are continuing to tell yourself the message that was given to you when you were growing up. My heart went out to you, with everything you wrote, but in particular that you were told that your mother wished you hadn't been born. You're right-some wounds never heal. That must have been the most painful thing to hear and I am so very sorry that you had to be subjected to such a cruel and selfish and hurtful statement. I can relate to that as well-another long story. I will find the book I mentioned and get the title for you, if your interested, but I wanted to write this response first. I hope that we can continue this conversation. There is so much to say. Thank you as well for responding to me. It means so much to me. I hope you are doing okay.

Thank you crimson - very nice sentiment.

But - lets be honest - my history does not even show up on the radar compared to some of the people here who were sexually abused, raped, BEATEN with a pipe....

My childhood wasn't ideal - but it is nothing compared to some here.

[CrimsonBlues]

To Useless Me-It wasn't sentiment, it is what I believe to be true.

This was my first thread on this forum and I apologize if it was too much or too stupid or too anything-I'll stop commenting in case it was. I wish everyone well.

@CrimsonBlues....

I am sorry if I implyed that you were"too stupid or too anything"....

I thought your post was AWESOME. I totally related to it and I certainly hope you will continue to post. As much or as little as you want.

Sorry if in anyway I implied that I did not like your post - because I did.

[laikashuman]

For me, it's all about anger.

I cut when I feel absolute amounts of rage that I don't know what to do with. I can become very violent and slip into a psychotic episode, easily. So, I think I developed the behaviour of cutting to stop myself from that. Take all that anger out on myself rather than taking it out on anyone else. Rather than punching a hole through the wall, I slice into my skin. The angrier I am, the deeper and bigger I cut.

I haven't cut in a few years. I'm trying to acknowledge my anger, validate it, and talk myself through it. But sometimes that compulsive habit of reaching for a blade is still fighting me.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Crimson, I'm glad you opened up, it helps me to kind of examine myself too. It's been... almost a full month since my last SI incident so I am doing much better. If I can ask... how have things been going for you?

[too SHy]

here is a new one,(or is it), After being molested by my fathers friend at age 3 I told my mom who said "Oh your father willkill him if he knew". as if that pervert was worth more than me. I never told my mother anymore. I am dying inside.

[CrimsonBlues]

Hello Useless Me-No, I didn't think that you were implying that my post was stupid. I was just worried that it was-I worry about that kind of thing, one of my issues. I did want to explain that when I made my responses about your post I wasn't just being nice, I was speaking the truth.

Hello laikashuman-Thank you for your comments about anger and SI. I have rarely even raised my voice with other people-anger makes me that anxious. It seems to never fail that when I feel hurt or anger toward someone I end up taking it out on myself. You sound insightful about what happens for you and I thank you for sharing your experiences with SI. I truly appreciate it. A few years without SI is awesome. I wish you all the best.

Hello Angel Of Bedlam-thank you for your comment, it really means a lot to me. A month without SI is a long time-I'm so glad that you are doing much better. And, thank you for asking about me. That was very thoughtful. I have been having a particularly hard time-it was one of the reasons why I found my way to this site about a week ago. I am trying very hard to work through all of my stuff but doing it alone is a challenge. I just wish I knew about this site earlier but I'm grateful I found it.

Hello too Shy-thank you for opening up about this horrible abuse you endured. I can completely understand how that message from your mother was conveyed-that the person who was abusing you was more important. What a horrific and traumatic thing you have had to struggle with. Not only being abused but the person who was supposed to protect you seemed more concerned with what might happen to the abuser. I am so sorry that this happened to you and it makes perfect sense that you would feel like you are dying inside. I hope that you will return and let us now how you are doing, if you want to.

If anyone wants to talk you can always message me. I hope everyone is okay.

[falsememory7]

Wow, Crimson, your story sounds almost identical to mine. Everything you said really connects with me, and the things you experienced were really similar to mine. In another post, I read that you wished someone could help you in this process, of dealing with ptsd and other things that you're going through. I really hope you're not alone in this, and that all of us are always willing to help you, and if you ever need someone to talk to, or to just listen, i'm only a pm away - please do! As far as cutting goes, I did it for a while as well as a "physical manifestation" of what I was feeling, and it really helped me cope with the violent, traumatizing flash-backs of my past. For me, it was an escape. But, like most things, I wound up getting addicted, and started hurting myself on a daily basis, just to go by. I hope that you find a way to deal with the memories, and the pain, and the self-injury. I've recently stopped my self-injury, but some days it's so hard to not do it. I really hope that you find what you're looking for, here at pc

[CrimsonBlues]

Originally Posted by falsememory7

Wow, Crimson, your story sounds almost identical to mine. Everything you said really connects with me, and the things you experienced were really similar to mine. In another post, I read that you wished someone could help you in this process, of dealing with ptsd and other things that you're going through. I really hope you're not alone in this, and that all of us are always willing to help you, and if you ever need someone to talk to, or to just listen, i'm only a pm away - please do! As far as cutting goes, I did it for a while as well as a "physical manifestation" of what I was feeling, and it really helped me cope with the violent, traumatizing flash-backs of my past. For me, it was an escape. But, like most things, I wound up getting addicted, and started hurting myself on a daily basis, just to go by. I hope that you find a way to deal with the memories, and the pain, and the self-injury. I've recently stopped my self-injury, but some days it's so hard to not do it. I really hope that you find what you're looking for, here at pc

Hello falsememory7-I have tears in my eyes from reading your post. I want to thank you so much for your words of support. Unfortunately, I am alone in this struggle. I live with my mother and other than that I am now isolated. I don't want to inflict my problems on my mother for a few reasons. One, I am worried about her health and I don't want her to worry about me. And, two, most of the events that were the catalyst of the PTSD and all the other related issues I am struggling with are related to family members. I just cannot bring myself to tell my mother about things that my family members did. I think that would devastate her too much.

I am sorry that you have had to deal with so much pain and trauma. It breaks my heart that people have to deal with so much pain. And then someone like you comes along and you shine through like a beacon, a reminder that there still is kindness and warmth and caring in the world. Thank you. Also, I will take you up on the offer to message you. I truly appreciate that. It may take a little time before I do, I'm having a particularly difficult time right now and I need to gather my thoughts. But I wanted to respond to you and tell you that I am grateful for your kindness.

[falsememory7]

Wow, Crimson, I need to thank YOU for being so brave and posting your story here. I can tell that you're such a kind person, and I truly wish that I could take all your pain away, and help you realize that you are never alone. I understand your situation, and I honor your decision to not worry your mother because of your health - that decision shows that you have a loving, caring heart. I really hope that you'll be able to open up to me, or someone else one day, and realize that I'm not going anywhere. I am so sorry that you have had to deal with so much pain and trauma as well, but you give me hope, because after all of those traumatizing experiences, you remain kind and caring, and offer your friendship to those who deserve it. Although I feel like I could type long novels to you, (I'm so eager for us to get to know each other), I would like to leave on one note. One day, I was browsing through inspirational quotes online, and reading your message made me think of this one quote... I hope you like it "In life, you never lose friends. You just find out who the real ones are."

[CrimsonBlues]

Hi falsememory7-Thank you again for your kindness, compassion and warm words. I know I'm repeating myself but your words are so meaningful and important to me. I too am eager for us to get to know each other. Thank you for including that lovely quote-it's true.

[CrimsonBlues]

I'm having a very hard time right now. The PTSD and the depression-all of it-it's all so overwhelming and I just can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am so alone and so sad and it seems like it never ends. Sorry for the depressing post, if anyone reads this. I just don't know how to keep moving, to keep trying. I don't know what to do. I don't have anywhere else to go and no one to talk to. It feels like a crushing weight. Every time I think I have found something real-and feel a moment of hope- I find that I was wrong and that is even more devastating.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by CrimsonBlues

I'm having a very hard time right now. The PTSD and the depression-all of it-it's all so overwhelming and I just can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am so alone and so sad and it seems like it never ends. Sorry for the depressing post, if anyone reads this. I just don't know how to keep moving, to keep trying. I don't know what to do. I don't have anywhere else to go and no one to talk to. It feels like a crushing weight. Every time I think I have found something real-and feel a moment of hope- I find that I was wrong and that is even more devastating.

You are not alone, even if it feels that way. I am so sorry you are so low. Remember, you can always reach out here like you did. You should be proud of doing that.

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[CrimsonBlues]

Thank you, Angel Of Bedlam-your comments mean so much to me.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by CrimsonBlues

Thank you, Angel Of Bedlam-your comments mean so much to me.

Just being honest.

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[CrimsonBlues]

Having a rough time right now-overwhelmed and so alone.