[Zenobia]

I know this is childish but I want my husband to come home right now. I know that he needs to have time with his

ARGH! I WANT MY SON TO GET THE **** INTO BED. i DON'T GIVE A ********* IF HE HAS A ******* GAS BUBBLE. **** JUST LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY.!

I so need a time out. I want to bash my head. I am holding on by a thread and just need quiet time to pull myself together bu I am supposed to take care of him and I don't want to anymore. I am tired I just want to go to bed and take care of myself but I am alone and he needs help and I can't help him because right now I feel the rage coming up and I want to scream at him to get out of my face.

Thank god,
Hubby just got home.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I hope you are feeling better and this has passed. I was in the same place tonight - Alex was driving me absolutely batty and I've been yelling at him for the last two days. It's like I get no quiet time for myself, and I hate that.

You're not alone, I promise that.

Mary Alice

[Zenobia]

I hate that place I was in. All evening I was trying to fake being a good mother. I talked calmly, I faked interest in what they were saying. I had to fake because I couldn't concentrate on what they were saying, couldn't follow the thread of conversation so I became more and more irritated with each passing minute but I knew at 9:00 they would be in bed and I could stop trying. Then 9:00 comes and he starts his little routine of whining about how he is scared and how the story he overheard at school is freaking him out. So I take him up to bed and lie down with him and talk to him about how stories are just stories yada yada yada. I turn on the bubbler with the fish in it, I listen to his stories, I sing him a song. Finally I get to come down stairs and connect with the emotions that are vexing me, I get to open the box a little bit so that I can relieve the anxiety and he comes down telling me he has a stomach ache. It is so hard to go from the hurting woman to the good mom in a few seconds. Last night I just could'nt make the transition back to mom. I couldn't get the box closed. I wanted to scream at him, fortunately I didn't. Luckily hubby got home. Then I was ok. As soon as he walked through the door I could feel calm wash over me. I could be the good mom again. I could tuck Alex (mary I think it is funny you have and Alex too) into bed on the couch. I could massage his tummy and do all the mothering stuff.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[Rapunzel]

Carrie,

You are a good mom. Nobody can keep it up all the time, and it's okay to need a break. It's even okay to tell the kids that right now you need some quiet time, and go in a room by yourself or go for a walk for 10-15 minutes or more, depending on the ages of your kids. I have the impression that your daughter is old enough that you can leave them alone sometimes - am I right? My point is that you don't have to be perfect all the time, and the kids should know that you have your limits and need your space. Otherwise they might grow up thinking that parents have to be perfect.

I think that one of the worst mistakes that my mother made was trying to be perfect, or rather trying to make me believe that she was perfect. She didn't show emotions in front of the kids. But sometimes she reached a breaking point and would have a panic attack (if in public) or go lock herself in her room for hours at a time and not talk to anyone. Parents are human, and that is the way it should be.

Glad that you are feeling better now!

Wendy

<font color=orange>"They accused us of suppressing freedom of expression. This was a lie and we could not let them publish it." ... from the Director of Censorship...

</font color=orange>

[dalila]

I have seen times when I was distressed cause my children to act up. I think they sense something is off and they become stressed and clingy to try to get close to mom and feel safer. I know that doesn't make it any easier to endure but it seems knowing they are not 'out to get me' does help me make it though those times.

~D~

[Zenobia]

Thanks everyone. I have been thinking that maybe it is time to talk to each of them about what it is that their mother has. They know I have a mental illness and they know I go see people for it and take medicine for it but maybe I should sit down with them and give them a chance to ask questions and stuff.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft