[lost&wandering]

I cut myself when I feel the most pain. When it is so intolerable and I know not what else to do. Always related to matters of the heart... a man and rejection or fear of. It's my pattern. For this reason partially I keep them at arms reach... I build up walls so not to get hurt. I know where I go when it all goes wrong. The cut marks on my body have the face and the name of the man with whom it just didnt work. Those who I did let in and in turn felt intense pain when it came to an end. I am not proud of this behavior, but in the moment it seems like the thing to do. It serves so many purposes in that very moment. Every day after though I feel deep shame... these scars can never be erased. These marks keep people from knowing me and give them a reason to stay away. I am a monster and I have created a lonely life for myself. All I want is to find love and understanding and patience. I am fearful I will be alone with my monsterous self till the day that I die. This realization makes living so hard and everyday a struggle to make it through and want do it all over again the next day. I want out... but I have no idea where to begin such a feat. I am programmed now to self destruct.

[smmath]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Do you have a therapist? Do you have any coping techniques that have worked for you in the past?

[lost&wandering]

Originally Posted by smmath

I'm sorry you are going through this. Do you have a therapist? Do you have any coping techniques that have worked for you in the past?

No... I cannot afford therapy, but I would love to be able to get it... I know it would help me greatly. I have tried free counselling through the gov't but it does not help... the system is broken. Often makes me feel worse because of all the hoops one must jump through.

I try to do healthy things like workout and get outside, but in the winter its much harder. Im just very isolated and poor right now. Times are tough.

[defre]

There's a lot you can do apart from therapy. Exercise can really go a long way. Healthy diet too.

And with therapy its a bit tricky. You have to find the therapist that fits you best, and a method that works for you.

For now, wish you a good winter time.