[StarStrike]

I was sixteen when I first started cutting. I had been bullied in Primary school, secondary school and I was being bullied in college. The only difference was, in college, my bully was a tutor. and none of the other tutors believed a word of what I said. Every day, I tried to 'accidentally' miss the bus. But most of the time I caught it just fine. Well, except I always had a sickly feeling in my stomach during the journey there. She humiliated me in front of the class, made snide remarks about me needing to go to the gym and interrogated me if I made one mistake. I couldn't tell my dad because the last time I told him I was being bullied, he told me to stop being a baby and fight my own battles.

Then came the night my dad found out I was sent for counseling at college because my thumb biting habit had gotten out of hand. My dad and older brother both mocked and teased me something rotten. It ended with my brother saying. "If you like your own blood so much, why don't I get a knife?" So when they went to bed I unscrewed my pencil sharpener, sterilized the blade and turned it on myself. That was it. I was hooked.

But after a while I felt awful for being so secretive and that I was wrong. So, I told my dad I was self harming. His reaction was to blame one of my friends for being a bad influence and he told me I was being stupid. So I stopped telling him stuff because I couldn't handle his reaction.

After a while of college counseling I managed to quit. But then it all changed. I found it hard to get along with his girlfriend. And then they got engaged. When I left college, he sold his house while I was still living in it. And I was forced to give up one of my beloved pets that was born and raised in that home. And as I started boxing up my things I felt every last shred of hope just fad away. And out came the blade.

Ever since then I have been cutting again. I keep trying to quit, but I just can't seem to stop. I hate myself. I became a monster. I'm back in full time education, but I don't like waking up. I don't enjoy life. And things that should make me happy, don't anymore. But I really struggle to cope. And knives are tempting and I'm scared that I might become a danger to myself. So I told my engagement adviser, who got me to see a doctor, who's got me an appointment at this special place for a mental health assessment tomorrow.

My dad found out about me having to go to that place last Friday when I asked him where it was and he told me to stop making false problems up because I don't belong there and it'll end up costing me. Then he told me what I should be doing like getting a job. Well, I tried that so many times and went to another college because there aren't any jobs going that will employ a failure who couldn't pass maths. I failed that test four times. Tried my best and never got it. He told me I don't belong with the crazies.

Today he asked me what I said to have to go there. And I told him that I relapsed with my cutting and I need help to stop because I'm scared that I could do something I'll regret. He told me that people have it worse off than I do. He told me to stop being silly and if I keep doing it they'll lock me away in a hospital. In a room that's only got a bed in it and I'll be drugged to keep me from screaming and that I won't have my dog or a TV or a computer. I'd be in there and never come out. Then I'd be living the hard life. He tried to make me promise never to cut again and I told him that if I did, I'd feel stupidly guilty if I break the promise and want to punish myself. Then he told me he's only a call away, gave me a hug and told me to phone him to tell him how I get on at that place before leaving my flat.

I can't tell him though. I can't phone him in hysterics, sobbing when I have a mental breakdown or if I'm having a panic attack. And the things he's said, they're giving me urges. And I'm afraid I'll either cut tonight or tomorrow morning. Plus no parent wants to see or hear their child upset. Plus, my dad has a two faced personality. Sometimes he's nice and other times, he's horrible. Plus, I'm living with my brother, who shouts at me even though I fall apart when people shout. I just don't think my dad will ever fully understand me... Or maybe he just can't accept the truth. That his daughter is broken.

[nicoleflynn]

Stop telling your dad anything; he is not a safe person. Do not share anything sensitive with anyone.....unless yu know they are safe and can be trusted with what yu have to say.Glad you will be seeing a therapist. You arent' a monster, but someone in pain.

Boundaries by TOwnsend and Cloud is an excellent resource
The Verbally abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 31 years of abuse.

Hugs, Nicole

[IGotThis]

My mom was this exact same way.... When I told her I was suicidal, she told me I had no reason to feel that way... When I told her I was taking a break from school to situate myself emotionally, she just said I was giving up... When I said I would get a full time job to help pay for things, she said no company would want to hire someone so emotionally unstable... But when I say something is wrong, she just keeps saying I'm fine and need to get over it... It's extremely invalidating...

I'm sorry you have to deal with family who doesn't accept it as well. It truly is hell...

[StarStrike]

Well I went to that place and I had to speak to a psychiatric nurse. She asked me why I'm here, about my past, why I SI, what do I get from SI, one word to describe how I feel and what I wanted to get from her. Then she got me to fill out this form but told me not to think too hard on the questions, just circle the first answer that comes to mind. Then she scored my test and told me I have severe depression and moderate anxiety. She then told me I'd benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy and counseling. But I could only do them one at a time so when I finish one completely I'd go onto another. So, I'm going to the cognitive behavioral therapy first. But she said it works so well that there's a waiting list, so it could be a couple of months before I start.

Then my grandma phoned up and asked how it went (she doesn't know about me cutting) when I was at home eating my lunch and I told her and she told me she's always there for me before kindly asking if I'd go shopping for her. When I was on my way back to my grandparents house with shopping bags in my hands my dad phoned up asking what they'd said. His only remark was. "what have you got to be depressed about?" When I came back to my grandparents, my grandma said that I mean the world to her and my grandad and that she's always here for me. Then I told her what my dad had said. And my grandma's reply was. "Well, it's how people treat you. Don't worry I'll sort him out." She slipped a £5 note my way and told me to put it away. Then asked my grandad to give me lunch money for college and he slipped me another £5 note. She then said that she may shout at me but her bark is worse than her bite and I mean the world to her.

So at least my grandparents understand depression. I just don't have the heart to tell them the full story. It would break their hearts. They care so much about me.

[mazing]

I'm sorry to hear that your dad is not supportive of you. It isn't easy when your family aren't helpful.

It is great that your grandparents are there to support you though I really hope that the therapy is helpful for you as well. CBT can be very helpful for a lot of people.

[ickydog2006]

It's okay to need and seek help, but definitely don't go to your dad for it. You'd be much better off calling hotlines, especially when in crisis. I know what you mean about not being able to tell supportive family the whole truth. I already feel so broken, why should I break them too.

[defre]

Originally Posted by ickydog2006

It's okay to need and seek help, but definitely don't go to your dad for it. You'd be much better off calling hotlines, especially when in crisis. I know what you mean about not being able to tell supportive family the whole truth. I already feel so broken, why should I break them too.

I wouldn't totally agree with this. Of course it depends on the specific situation, but generally speaking your parents are there for you, and you'd be surprised what they would be willing to do for you. With age your perspective on this changes...