refraining

refraining from draging that beautiful metal tool of a razor and seeing the red crimson blood flow down my wrist.

oh how i long to see the gorgeous flow and think of what ive done.

((((milly))))...the truth is tho, there's nothing beautiful or gorgeous about cutting. we associate beautiful or grogeous stuff with things that make us happy. despite what SIers might say from time to time, cutting doesn't make u happy! keep on refraining, i know it's hard, but i believe u can do it

Hang in there. It does get a little easier to resist.

I know what you mean by the beauty. I see beauty in the expression of pain, and all those things were once beautiful to me ... they still are to a certain extent. But the more/longer you distance yourself from SI the more you learn to see beauty in other places.

Good luck... and hang in there... you can do this.

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Superchick - Beauty from Pain

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

I've always liked that song, but sometimes dwelling on it keeps me dwelling on the pain I feel now, and not on the hope I have for the future (as the song intended).

hope you're doing a bit better

Well, don't you make it sound so pretty...

Only looking at your post (no other replies), I could so join you, except I am beyond physical expression, like yours (cutting). There are so many finer ways of making oneself bleed. If you don't know that, then you are probably still very young.

You probably still think that someone will save you from yourself, but you are mistaken...

We are all here for selfish reasons, including you.

Do you really think someone is going to jump through your screen and save you? Please... we all know of the crowd that cheers a "jumper" to jump, so what makes you think the general public is gonna save you from cutting?

It's gotta come from within. No matter how desperate the feeling is, it still has to come from within you.

No one will be able to stop you if you want to go that far. Even if you are just ********ting, there is no way you can guarantee that someone will even want to stop you.

You gotta make a commitment to stoo self-injuring. No one can make that decision for you and you know that...

So stop %#@&#! around and get to the point of what you want to say. Only by speaking about your pain will anyone here be able to help you..

"there's fifty ways to leave your lover."

"I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light... and get yourself free..." Lyrics by P.S.

So stop romaticising about what you are doing. Poetry doesn't make it any more elegant...

AS

well that if i cant rant here to get some comfort from friends the i cant do it anywhere

goodbye and good luck cruel world becuase thats to that im leaving here for good!!!

thanks AS

thanks alot

Milly - don't leave.

You are allowed to rant and I really am sorry you're having a hard time right now.

PM me and take care of yourself - I care about ya.

Ranting is fine. But like I said, glorifying and romaticizing about self-injury does not do you any good, nor anyone else who may read your post who may be on the verge.

I suppose you did not even consider what else I wrote:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
It's gotta come from within. No matter how desperate the feeling is, it still has to come from within you.

You gotta make a commitment to stop self-injuring. No one can make that decision for you and you know that...

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If there is something that rings false in what I am saying, then fine, I apologize. But since you are the one holding the razor or knife or shard of glass, it truly is YOU who must make that decision.

I do not feel guilty for saying what I said, and your blaming me does not make me feel guilty either, because I am not the one trying to make what you are doing sound beautiful and wonderful OR ACCEPTABLE. The reality of self-injury is NOT beautiful, NOT wonderful, NOT glorious or anything of the sort. The reality is you are trying to kill yourself.

If you can stay in the true reality of what you are doing, you may have a better chance of stopping.

Staying in a fantasy world just fuels that fire. I don't know anyone who has learned to cope while continuing to remain in their fantasy world. Have you? It would be like asking a heroin addict to continually ponder the euphoria of their addiction while asking them to stop. Which do you think will have more power during this period of struggle?

What say you to this?

you know everything you write to me just seems to have so much hurt and aggression put into it!!! imreally hurt and im gone i dont want to listen and what we have here is a communication break down!

That's very perceptive, milly. I do write with alot of hurt and aggression, because that is pretty much what is left in me . I guess that is what my personality has morphed into after years and years of self-abuse. And during that time period, I did exactly what you are doing now - contemplate the euphoric feelings of cutting rather than focusing on the reality of what it was truly doing, and did, to my body, my mind, and my soul.

Not one person had the guts enough to tell me straight out to stop; to tell me that cutting, gashing and burning could, would, and did, lead to dangerous infections and ungodly scars that will never, ever go away; that I would forever have to hide my body and explain over and over to those who caught sight of those scars, the reasons why they were there; to try and stand bare in front of my partner and actually feel desirable; or worse still, what my body, mind and soul would ACTUALLY look, think and feel like in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, if I stayed on this path.

Picture the number of scars you now have. Now, place them ALL OVER your body. Imagine alot of those cuts with huge welts from the stitches and the infections that will always remain raised above your natural skin - always reminding you - not of the momentary euphoria you felt when you made them, but of the shame and humiliation of the AFTER EFFECTS - you know, the REAL consequences you experience.

Did I have much hurt when I read your post. Yes! Was I aggressive? Way too much so. To sit here and know that YOU could possibly end up looking like I do now is somewhat hard to bear. Somewhat?! I should say EXTREMELY hard to bear...

I know you are hurting. I know you don't want to listen and I know you want to run. But don't just yet, because I would like to ask you to try to look past my emotions and read the words and try to hear what I am saying.

My words may be harsh, but so is the reality of slashing and burning. And it is only the reality of what you are doing, is what I am interested in you seeing, especially if I can get you to project what you may end up being like in the future, and get you to stop now.

I suppose I should have just blown past your post and ignored you. I guess the best course of action would be to do so in the future. Silly of me to think that what I have done to myself and the horrible consequences I must live with for the rest of my life - no matter how they are expressed - could possibly help you in any way.

But having someone just blow past your post is not what you really want, either, is it? I wouldn't want that, even if what is being said is harsh at times. As long as it wasn't BS that was being fed to me, then I can handle a critical analysis of what I have said in a post...SO CAN YOU (and you've already proven that)! And yes, it does sting, but not nearly as much, or as long as a self-inflicted cut does. Trust me on that one.

Dear AS,

I am young and still have much too learn. I understand that if i dont' pull my head out soon i maybe locked in, intwined into something i never wanted to be. As i read you post i started to understand what you were trying to say in the first post you made but because i could not see you body language or anything like that i read it in a different way to what it was meant to be, but when i read your latest post the way it was written made me understand everything more clearly.

I have become more aggressive and i guess you and i are alike we had the same side affect from what we do/did. So far no-one has had the guts to tell me to stop or tell me that what im doing would, could and has given un-godly scars and infections. I've never had any support with what i've done until i came here. I met canders and shes been here for me and so has the rest of PC including you and i guess i just misinterpreted what you wrote.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Picture the number of scars you now have. Now, place them ALL OVER your body. Imagine alot of those cuts with huge welts from the stitches and the infections that will always remain raised above your natural skin - always reminding you - not of the momentary euphoria you felt when you made them, but of the shame and humiliation of the AFTER EFFECTS - you know, the REAL consequences you experience.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I don't need to picture scars all over myself because i 've got them there already. I agree that all those scars are a reminder of the shame and humiliation of then after effects.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
To sit here and know that YOU could possibly end up looking like I do now is somewhat hard to bear. Somewhat?! I should say EXTREMELY hard to bear...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

The fact that you care so much is so touching, and to tell you the truth those words really touched me. I put aside my hurt when i read that and i understood that there are people who care about me and i would not want you to ingnore my post because right now i value your friendship and even though ive only just met you i consider you as a friend because i dont have many.

But yes you can ignore me if you want, i don't mind but if you want to let me know, my email address is on my profile page. And your right its me not anyone else holding that knife or that razor just me.

And the whole thing wth the critical analysis and it hurting alt less that a cut.

I AGREE and I trust you one that

Milly

p.s THANKYOU!!!!!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
milly said:
i 've got them there already.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Umm, pure Vitamin E really, really, really helps. Use it every day without fail. If it still works on old skin, imagine what it will do on young skin!

Hey, you know what?

Vitamin E - its "real"(pure) and it's probably the best thing ever for them. A gift of healing for those of us who have odd ways of expressing ourselves??!

Oh, sorry, mind just wandering off...........

victory is the key to overcoming this pain and when you do you will feel the pleasure every day that you do not cut i haven,t for over a year now and the scars are fading with the creams and each day i feel good just with the knowledge that i stopped myself yet another day

be yourself no matter how long it takes you to get to the end but remeber to be victorious over the ones who left the pain, they live with the guilt you live with the victory

((((((((hugs)))))))))))0