wanting to vs. doing

Ever since high school, when it got really, REALLY bad as opposed to the just moderately bad it was in junior high, I have visualized my depression as a solid black ball that sits in the pit of my stomach. Every now and then, the ball explodes, and the resulting black goo travels up my body till it gets to my throat, where it tries to choke me.

Right now I am choking on black goo. The last time I tried to get rid of it by trying to cut it out, I landed in the hospital. I can't afford that right now, but it isn't stopping me from wanting to become a fillet.

I did read over the "things to do instead" and none of them is working for me right now. And, courtesy of a friend who wasn't thinking clearly when she gave them to me, I have a set of really good, sharp knives, and I'm angling to use them. Usually what stops me is I'm on blood thinners and I don't want to deal with the resultant mess, but at the moment, that's not even bothering me -- I'm prepared to handle it.

I don't want to die, I just want to be able to breathe normally, without choking on black goo. I don't know how to get rid of it without cutting.

CB

I'm sending you lots of positive thoughts and grrrrrs.... hoping these horrible feelings pass soon
(((((((((((((( Candy )))))))))))))))

(((((candybear))))) Keep safe.

Breathe. Talk yourself through this logically.

"If I wern't really breathing or getting oxygen I would be passed out by now. Since I am not passed out right now it is only logical to assume that I am still breathing and getting enough oxygen, even if my brain isn't registering it"

"Sometimes my thinking is irrational so I am going to just sit here, calm down, and relax. Everything is going to be okay."

Those are two things of self help talk I do when I'm having a panic attack. I repeat them over and over again to myself, often out loud.

Hope that helps you some.

Candy, here's something to try. Visualize your black goo, and see it slowly retract back into a ball, allowing you to breathe freely. Now work on making that ball shrink smaller and smaller, as small as you can get it, and then finally so small that, poof, it's gone. You may need to repeat the visualization, but if you practice it I bet that it will last longer each time. You could also take a bubble bath or do something to wash away any black goo that remains. Eating good, healthy food will help to cleanse it from the inside of you. Don't forget to drink enough water, even though it's cold. That will help wash away the black goo also, and we tend to forget about drinking water in the winter.

Take good care of you,
Rap

Thank you Rap, you brought up an idea I hadn't thought of before (and neither have any of my T's!). Thank you. I'll try it.



Candy