[reesecups]

I'm going to quit the PHP Program I've been in since March. I want to SI and have Sui ideations really bad right now and I need to hang on. I don't want to go in there and end up them finding out I've done something. Trying to journal, trying to keep my mind occupied. Even trying to medicate enough to stop feeling this way.

I know it's for the best that I leave. And they have helped. But just too much going on right now and can't deal with it anymore there. I should have stopped a couple of months ago, when I didn't feel this negative about this program. And I wouldn't now be feeling as bad as I did when I first started.

Just have to get through at least today and tomorrow!

Need to focus on getting another shrink or something.

[smmath]

I think getting another therapist is a really smart idea. Has the writing helped much? Is there anyone you can vent to about these things to help you cope and not SI? I have faith in you that you can make it through this.

[reesecups]

Originally Posted by smmath

I think getting another therapist is a really smart idea. Has the writing helped much? Is there anyone you can vent to about these things to help you cope and not SI? I have faith in you that you can make it through this.

Hi. Yes, I already do have an outside therp, who is wonderful. But is only there for me 45 minutes out of one day a week. Having to find a new shrink that won't overmedicate and respect my need for benzo's at the moment, us tough to find here with straight Medicare.

I took a couple Xanax and hope I can calm down for a while. This is going to be a rough week.

[smmath]

Ah, I get it now. I can see how 45 minutes is nowhere near enough support for you. I think that telling yourself positive things is worth a shot, because if telling negative things to you can affect you, then the same should happen with positive comments.

[reesecups]

Originally Posted by smmath

Ah, I get it now. I can see how 45 minutes is nowhere near enough support for you. I think that telling yourself positive things is worth a shot, because if telling negative things to you can affect you, then the same should happen with positive comments.

Trying. . Just woke up, will hopefully have some time of reprieve from thoughts for a while.

[The_little_didgee]

How are you doing?

[reesecups]

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

How are you doing?

No cutting yet. So far. Just anxious how it's going to go. The SI would be better than the alternative thoughts, but I want to at least get through this without cutting. Thanks. In about another 4 hours or so, I'll be making the call to see what I need to do to resign from the program. Wish me luck please. They have helped me. If I felt like I was safe there, I would still stat. But right now, I don't. Thanks for asking.

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by reesecups

No cutting yet. So far. Just anxious how it's going to go. The SI would be better than the alternative thoughts, but I want to at least get through this without cutting. Thanks. In about another 4 hours or so, I'll be making the call to see what I need to do to resign from the program. Wish me luck please. They have helped me. If I felt like I was safe there, I would still stat. But right now, I don't. Thanks for asking.

It can be very hard to admit when a program or therapy is no longer helpful. Concluding this and walking away is a sign that you are looking after your wellbeing.

Good luck.

[reesecups]

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

It can be very hard to admit when a program or therapy is no longer helpful. Concluding this and walking away is a sign that you are looking after your wellbeing.

Good luck.

Thank you. I know that leaving is taking care of myself, whether they believe it or not. I appreciate the support.

[reesecups]

I called the PHP Program and asked what day they would have everything together that I would need to sign to leave. Apparently there is some type of exit evaluation as well. I'm to go in at 9am on Wednesday to sign paperwork. At least the call us over with! Whew! Now, just have to get through Wednesday!

[reesecups]

Don't think I can get through Wednesday. I think I'm going to have to SI tonight. I've got to calm down. This anxiety and stress is brutal. And unless I want to keep drugging myself, I've got to do something.

[The_little_didgee]

When I am feel very pissed off or stressed I like to throw my stress ball against the wall. Tightly tied socks work too. It doesn't get rid of the feelings, but makes them more manageable. Maybe you can try this.

[reesecups]

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

When I am feel very pissed off or stressed I like to throw my stress ball against the wall. Tightly tied socks work too. It doesn't get rid of the feelings, but makes them more manageable. Maybe you can try this.

Thanks for your suggestion didgee. I'm downstairs with my family now. Trying to get my mind off my problems. I feel like it's either SI or SUI and I really don't want to SUI. my physical,problems are overwhelming me and the PHP has made things worse.

Thanks for your concern.

[reesecups]

I actually spoke to a Crisis Line tonight on-line and I'm feeling better. Don't feel like SI or SUI at the moment. I guess I'll survive another night. Thanks for everyone's support.

[Fuzzybear]

[reesecups]

Update: been a long time since I've posted. On the 30th, I did end up SI'ing, then seeing my therp, then voluntarily committing myself to the hospital that evening where I stayed for 4 days. Haven't SI'd since, nor felt SUI. Am at a new partial program that will last a maximum of 6 weeks. They are very informative and I was finally diagnosed Bipolar 2, which was not a big surprise.

Thanks for everyone's support and am glad to be here.