To Cutting...

I wrote this yesterday....

Dear Friend,

I don't know what ever made me look at you... you were boring and not interesting at all. But I was at a time in my life when I needed someone to help me cope with everything that was going on. I knew that our relationship wasn't smart. Then you reached out to me.. and held my hand. At that time I couldn't resist such a sweet offer. You promised to help me surivive. You promised to be there when I felt like I couldn't cope. You promised that I would call the shots in our relationship. That I could see you as little or as often as I'd like. I was lonely..and hurting... and you were there for me. I knew that the world around me wouldn't approve of our relationship, but I doubted they would even notice. After all, you were boring...and uninteresting. Right? So, our relationship began. It was exciting at first. I really did call the shots. I decided when I would see you, and for how long. I decided where we went... and what exactly we did.

However, it wasn't long until I felt consumed by you. Not only had I begun spending more and more time with you, but I was drifting away from everyone else. They didn't seem to notice or care...and I think it made me like you even more. You helped me through the difficult times where I just didn't want to make it. You held my hand. As the months went on I withdrew more and more from the world around me. All I could focus on was our relationship and the pain that had brought me to you in the beginning. It wasn't long until I realized that you had taken control of our relationship. You demanded more and more of my time and space. I was trapped..and drifting further anf further from the people in my life who really had been rooting for me. Now, they only watched from a distance. I couldn't let them know about us. They would turn their heads. How could I have deserted them for you? You lied to me... they tried to show me the truth. I hid from them ashamed of my past. Now, I was hiding because I was ashamed of who I was.

I continued our relationship. On occassion I would try to start letting someone in... but you told me that they'd never accept who I am. You told me that you were the only one who could really know me...and all that's happened and still love me. Nobody else could know me like you did. The more I think about it... I know that's just how you wanted it. A few times, I got brave. I wanted to escape but I didn't know how. You were so strong and I was so weak. I was on the verge of losing it all and you were there... smothering me into submission. So, I came up with a plan. I started to take you places that people would see you. Honestly, I was terrified that they would see you, but desperately I wanted them to see you at the same time. I always held my head high with a smile on my face as if to try and convince the world that you weren't there. But you were. I knew it. I could always feel you.

I think they've seen you. At least a few of them have. Some second guessed that it was really you they saw. Some knew, and turned their backs on me. Some knew, and I think just didn't know what to do to save me from you. They knew you were powerful..and for me to allow someone so strong in my life meant maybe I wasn't the friend and girl they had always assumed I was. I think they were disgusted..not by you, but by the thoughts of who I really must be.

So with a sigh, I took your hand again..and went deeper into hiding. They didn't want me.They wanted who they used to think I was, but the real me was too much to handle. The only thing worse than having you in my life, was not having anybody at all. I felt even more alone. I felt even more trapped by our awful friendship. I felt deceived by you. After all, you told me I could be in control. You said I could see you as little or as often as I wanted.

Here I am holding on to you so tightly that I don't know how to let go. I've known you for so long. Even a bad relationship..is a relationship. Full of memories and time spent together. Some how i let you define me. Not only did I not reach out for help and healing from the pain that first led me to you..but I used you to cover it up...only adding to my problems.

I don't want you in my life. ..but now I need you.
I don't love you anymore, but I'm terrified of life without you.
You hurt me every time we see each other, but I hold on during the hard times knowing that it won't be long until I can see you.

How do I let you go? ... How I wish I could turn back the hands of time and forget we even met. Would I still introduce myself to you? Would I still buy into your empty promises and lies? No way. But I did, and I am. I can't leave you on my own. But I don't think there is anybody brave enough or strong enough...It's not that I don't know where I want to go. I can even find myself there in moments. But I need someone to encourage me to stay. Someone to push me towards Him.... Someone who will love me enough to stick by me through this awful mess I call my life.

I hold on to you because right now, it feels like you're all I have. Your grasp is too tight on me for me to let go by myself. But know that I'm getting braver. One day... I'll show them who you are. One day... I'll be able to trust enough to expose you..and in that expose myself... maybe to destruction. But maybe, just maybe.. in my destruction I'll find real life. Because what I have right now isn't living...it's barely surviving.

Love,

me

Wow.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))) if OK. Powerful stuff. I struggle with that "friend" as well. I wonder if it will ever go away or get better.

In the meantime, you have us. Keep posting and keep talking.



Candy

Powerful, beautiful writing. HUGS!

You describe it so well. The love hate relationship we have with it.

It can get better though. Don't lose hope. It is possible to quit; hard, painful, almost unbearable, but possible. Don't lose sight of that.

I hope your feeling a bit better, and remember that you can always come here and talk to us. We won't abandon or leave you. We won't run away. And we won't be digusted with you.

Hang in there

((((((bluebythewater))))))))))

Thanks for sharing that. Powerful stuff!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((bluebythewater))))))))))))))))))))))))))

i agree with canders thank for sharing its powerful stuff

wow, hot