[Starfly]

New here , trying to connect. Trying to justify my madness. I am so stressed and generally unhappy. My life is not how I want it. The most response I get is, well it could be worse. I want to punch people when they say that. Anyway, injuries are a release for me. I can keep self injury at bay by getting a tattoo or getting someone else to hurt me. The latter is easy. Seems there are some sick guys out there that love to hurt women during sex. It suits me however last weekend I was choked pretty hard, to the point of throwing up afterwards. It all seems normal for a while and when I am high on the adrenaline afterwards. Today I have crashed and feel abnormal and wrong for all this leaving me with no self worth...YAY for me, NOT. Like I say, hoping to find others that do this as well so that I can realize I am not the only weirdo out there doing this madness!!

I know that I am just an old fart..... and maybe too old fashioned for many people - but sex (which I would still prefer to use the term making love).... LOVE does not ever, ever, ever, ever including hurting another person. That is always wrong.

Just my opinion.

[Starfly]

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but this is part of my problem. I need to be hurt during the act of sex. Like I say, apart from the obvious release, the physical hurt feeling is good. I feel in some sick twisted part of my brain that I deserved to be hurt I suppose and if I want to feel something I want to feel it good, if that makes sense. Maybe I am lacking an adequate human relationship so this is what I get instead.....who knows eh.

[Worry Wart]

Honey im so worried about you. I love u so much and u saying that u like being hurt scares me. I know u told me u never do that anymore. I love u so much and plase dont hurt yourself or let anyone hurt u. If i found out something happened to u i would die, i love u so much. Your my love and my lady. I know u love me byut let my heart into yours. And show u loving and caring u never had. Xoxoxo my princess

[Frankbtl]

Hi Starfly, not going to tell you how you shouldn't be hooking up with guys like that (although it does really worry me as well!!). Instead back to the beginning-which is making you want/need this?
What do you think is underlying your stress, unhappiness and blocking you from taking some steps to have your life closer to how you want it??
It's really easy to get sucked up into a cycle of trying to find/using the only way you know how just to get by. But maybe if you pull out where the negative feelings are coming from and as well tackle the depression that may help a bit?
You do know, deep down, that you don't deserve to be treated that way by guys, because I'm reading that you don't actually enjoy it. So time to put yourself first?
Do you think that you could maybe reach out to a counselor/therapist or someone who is/could be special in your life for some support in working though things and how you feel about yourself? Although we're here for you as well, of course!!
And you are NOT a "weirdo". I'd say that you are reacting to things that have gone on for you and your feelings in the only way you have right now BUT there are really going to be so many more "healthy" ways to actually work through things and move nearer towards where you really want to be, with some support.
If you want to talk more.............
Alison

[Starfly]

Thank Alison. I have no idea what got me to that point. It all just got out of control and to feel pain is a release for me. It takes away all the stress and depression. It works fast and it makes me feel alive. Yes, talking to a T or P will help, I know. THanks for reaching out, least I know there are people who understand and care. =)

[Victoria'smom]

I've encouraged (manipulated) H to cause similar injuries during sex. I talked to my t about it last session

[Starfly]

glad I am not alone!!

[Worry Wart]

please, please don't hurt yourself anymore. It scares me when u talk
Like that. U are a loving caring and kind person and many more that u already know. I would die if I found out something happened to u and u were seriously hurt and put in the hospital. I love u so much my best friend forever.