I've been hurting myself now and then again for a long time. When I was about five years old I hit myself with the flyswatter when I thought I deserved it. Since I was twelve or so I've been sporadically cutting, burning or otherwise hurting myself. Usually because I wanted to try if it made me feel better. It never did.

However the last few weeks I've been cutting myself deeply for seemingly no reason at all. It doesn't make me feel better. It only makes me angry at myself.

I don't even know why I do it. It makes it easier to cope with things, to reassure myself I'm alive, when I can feel the pain, but it's silly to do it and yet I do.

I don't want to land in a circle I can't get out of. Can someone please help me?

[IWonderIf]

Well, cutting / self-injurious behavior, is classified in the ICD-10 CM in part as:

"A disorder characterized by an enduring pattern of unstable self-image and mood together with volatile interpersonal relationships, self-damaging impulsivity, recurrent suicidal threats or gestures and/or self-mutilating behavior."Since you say the onset was 5 years old and changed dramatically at 12, I know it's likely unhelpful in this moment, but I'd strongly suggest you consider speaking with a mental health professional like a social worker, a professional counselor, a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

BPD is a personality disorder caused, it is theorized, by a host of things (mostly early childhood traumas). Currently the "Gold Standard" of treatment is called "Dialectical Behavioral Therapy" which involves teaching people coping skills for analyzing and controlling their symptoms.

Perhaps something that might help, though might hurt - you have to decide - in the now is to take a look at what's called "Behavioral Chain Analysis." A good description of it can be found here:by web surfing "dbtselfhelp behavior chain".

I'd give you the links but I don't have enough posts to allow me to.

Behavioral chain analysis involves looking at antecedent events, (what leads up to) the behavior, and what you do / feel after. Given that you feel "exhausted" in your mood icon, that might be a clue - I really couldn't say.

Be careful though - you don't want to have analyzing your behavior triggering your behavior. If the process of going through and thinking about your present incident, or past incidents, and looking for similarities in causal chains causes you distress then STOP until you can practice the process under appropriate supervision.

If you feel actively suicidal, please report to an emergency room immediately, and be careful - this cutting behavior, or other typically "borderline" behavior, can wind up being unintentionally fatal.

Theory says it's a "cry for attention" or for help. My best suggestion is that you take the opportunity to seek some as soon as possible.

Good luck.

[smmath]

Have you told anyone about how you are feeling? I find even just venting to someone really helps.

[nicoleflynn]

I hope you will seek professional help; this will continue unless you do. It isn't silly, but it IS dangerous; there are reasons you are doing it and with a therapist's help, he/she can help you figure it out.

I see a therapist. I haven't told her. I don't want the focus of the therapy to shift to reducing self injury. And I want to solve it myself.

I do talk about the things that bother me, which I think is supposed to help to reduce self injury.

[IWonderIf]

Originally Posted by Breadfish

I see a therapist. I haven't told her. I don't want the focus of the therapy to shift to reducing self injury. And I want to solve it myself..

I'd say that is one of the other hallmarks of the "disorder" which is "high risk behavior." By excluding your therapist from complete awareness of your situation you could simply be utilizing therapy to "self-soothe" other symptoms without making her aware of the full range of your behavior.

She may be of the opinion you have an entirely different type of challenge and be treating, say for example, you for depression or some other thing. By not fully informing her you keep her in the dark about some fundamental behavior that arguably SHOULD be the "focus of clinical attention" before all others because it can wind up with you unintentionally dead.

If you want help then you have to trust the people responsible for helping you with as much information as possible. Keeping your therapist in the dark won't help them help you.

[hd17]

I cut for 7 years, I'm now 20 and I still have scars that I have been trying to get rid of with every single home remedy and what may have you, no one knew but my boyfriend and he helped me through it. What I'm saying is, you need a support system, even if it's just one person, but someone you trust, that makes the difference. Also, those scars and marks are going to be there to remind you of what happened rather than trying to forget and move on and be happy. You have a lot of time to live, so try and be happy, yeah it's ok to remember what you went through and how it made you stronger, but is it really worth it. Here's a method I used when I quit, put an elastic band around your wrist and when you feel like you need to cut, just keep pulling the elastic back so it snaps against your skin. Just keep doing it until you feel better, that way you don't cut, but you still get the pain factor of it. I hope this helped. Feel better.

[IWonderIf]

Hi Breadfish,

Just checking in to see how things are going. Please consider telling your therapist about your cutting.... srsly... pretty please!

I'm just being mother hen-ish because I worry about you saying you are cutting yourself "deeply." DEEPLY - operative term - is pretty scary... plus if it's not helping only "making you angry" then it doesn't seem to be "working" - whatever that might mean in your case.

For me, myself - if something I was doing just made me angry, I'd want to explore why I was angry - who with - what for?

These are all really good questions that your therapist could really help you answer I think, if only you would tell him / her.

I hear you loud and clear when you say you want to solve this by yourself... I really do. I validate that - God I hate it when my therapist says that to me! - but I DO! The thing is that "deeply" sort of implies "dangerously" and the bottom line is that you wouldn't have posted here about it if you didn't want help.

Wanting help, to me, means that your goal IS NOT suicide. That's a good thing, neh?

Wouldn't it be a freaking shame if you accidentally cut yourself too deeply just one time too many and wound up in the emergency room, a psych ward (even worse, please trust me on that), or worst of all dead?

This isn't meant to be a "ooooh scarey" tactic of a post - it's meant to be "of concern" and motivational. I'm not so good with either I guess, but my two bits says tell your therapist. She won't have any magical "fix" or anything, but sure as the sun will rise in the morning she'll have some tools in her toolbox to help you figure out just wtf is going on.

Anger isn't a "good" emotion, but it at least can be useful depending on where and how it's directed. Being angry at yourself for compulsively cutting on yourself in order to get some relief that never materializes just doesn't seem to me to be all that productive and let's face it... if you could "solve it" yourself you already would have because nobody likes to be pointlessly angry.

Anyway... I guess this turned from a "check in" into "tough love" - sorry for that.

Just sayin - talk to your therapist. Believe it or not, we spend a whole bunch of years learning stuff, what I call my "toolbox" that pretty much everybody (like if you got a whole BIG bunch of people in a room together and asked them 'how do you deal with X') already, collectively, knows. The thing is, most people - not even therapists (surprise surprise - sarcasm there - ok, not even Jesus) know them all.

But the more people you ask, the more likely you are to find a "tool" that works for you.

Silence gets you nothing but scars or worse.

I know you don't want to shift the focus of your therapy, but in reality whatever it is that you are working on that you don't want to shift focus from is maybe... heck, even PROBABLY.... related to your self-harming behavior... ever think of that?

"Confess" the one might help "solve" the other - just sayin.

Hope you're ok otherwise. Please take a least 60 seconds to consider what it took me 5 minutes to write... Advice from a stranger is worth what you paid for it, I know... but sometimes it's not bad and who knows...?

Be safe.

Alright. I've made a deal with myself: if I cut again, I'll try to get help.

Deeply and dangerously aren't simultaneous as in that I only cut the fleshy bits of my body, which tend to lack veins and tendons.
The part that mostly shocked me about the deeply - and told me something was seriously wrong with me - was when I was looking at a cut with a centimer (0.4 inch) distance between the edges.

Thanks for your last post, IWonderIf. It gave me some insight and made me think.

[IWonderIf]

Hey there Breadfish... sounds like you have a good plan there. I agree with you. Don't "try" though... DO! Whatever it was Yoda said?

Anyway, yeah... sounds like a plan to me. Especially, to me, because it just makes you angry. Supposedly, it's supposed to be a coping mechanism. Angry and coping don't necessarily not go together, but usually I wouldn't think they would.

Better to dialog with your therapist who actually knows you.

Glad you made the choice. Keep in touch and let us know how it goes.