Giving In Or?

What do you mean exactly? Are you talking about a sui attempt in the past or getting help in the past?

Well, of course, I don't really know why you're paranoid to get help, Idiot17. I just know that, in my case, my parents in particular, & society in general, taught me that I must hide as deep in the closet as I could possibly get. Nothing was ever said overtly that I can recall. But the intent must have been clear because I learned the lesson well. Perhaps it is the same with you. This would be something to explore with a therapist as a first step.

I was referring to sui attempts.

So why don't I have what it takes to take the first step to see a therapist. What am I so afraid of. And if I do gather the courage to go to a therapist maybe it's not something that would need to be explored any longer. So confused.

Today wasn't the greatest.....I had a doctors appointment to take a blood test. This was scheduled a while back since I was having trouble with my heartbeat and since I'm very young and heart trouble is in the family they wanted me to check it out due to lack of nutrients.
First off the doc saw my scars and asked me if it's from the scars from a burn I had years back. I mumbled it was when in reality it was 'fresh' scars from cutting. (The burn was intentional, another form of sh though no one realized that).
Then once he started taking blood I started trembling with the need for it go on forever. To rip my vein open and let the blood loose. Spraying all over. I was shaking for the next hours. I must be pretty good at masking my thoughts if no one asked me anything, especially as to why I was shivering and chattering. Story of my life. Though wouldn't mind if it would have a happier ending.

Yes, my experience has been that most people are happy to ignore anything that will allow them to avoid having to get mixed up in another person's struggles. So your experience at the doctor's office doesn't surprise me.

Your life story can have a happier ending, Idiot17. But you're going to have to make it happen. I believe you can do it.

You believe I can do it. I want to do it. But I don't know how.
I feel like I'm being a loser and obnoxious since I want to have the frightening urges gone yet I'm not doing anything about it. I don't feel it possible to. I just feel so stuck in my temptations. For the first time I'm admitting that SH can be dangerous and suicidal.

Self harm can certainly be dangerous. Typically though people who self-harm are not suicidal. They are two different states with no direct relationship to one another. I think if you took a pole of people on PC who struggle with major depression, pretty-much 100% would say they feel like obnoxious losers. That's part of having major depression.

The thing is, Idiot17, realistically you probably aren't going to be able to do this alone. Once in a while, someone who is in the midst of a major depression can pull themselves out. But I would say this is the exception, not the rule. Most of us have to find someone who can, & who is willing to, help. This could potentially be anyone: a teacher, a counselor, a therapist, a friend, a relative. Maybe there's even someone on-line somewhere who could inspire you. There are many such individuals on YouTube, for example. Just off the top of my head, Kati Morton comes to mind. But there are others too.

One way to get started might be to take a look at your daily routine & see if there are some changes you could make. Try to begin to surround yourself with positive, uplifting sights & sounds. Eliminate things that contribute to your depression. It might be helpful to give some thought to what it was that started this downhill slide to begin with. If you can identify what that was perhaps you can make some changes that will help to remedy that situation now.

There are other things as well. But I don't want to go on-&-on. The Buddhist nun Pema Chodron has, as the title of one of her books: "Start Where You Are". I can't say it more succinctly than that. And you don't have to do it all at once either. Do a few things now, & then add more as you go along.

Also, I recall your having written that therapy isn't helping. I don't know what it is about it that is causing it to fail you. But, perhaps you need to take a look at this too. If you're feeling it is just a flop, perhaps a change of some sort is warranted here too.

I know you want to heal. And wanting to heal is the first rule of getting better. It's like the aphorism: "The first rule of working out is showing up." Well, you've "shown up". You're here on PC! And, as I said, I know you want to heal. And, because of this... I know you can. Keep posting on PC!

I didn't mean sh is suicidal, it's not. I meant that the needs for the cuts to be on a grander scale can lead to suicidal projection.

I am alone. I can't think of reaching out to anyone. There is no one for me to do so with. No friends, no family.

I know what led me down here. Life did. Life is what made me be where I am. Without it I wouldn't be the way I am.

I currently don't have a t. No therapy for the past year or so.

Hm-m-m-m-m... well... like I said... I do believe that one has to find the strength to make the first move, so to speak. If one simply can't find that within oneself, & sometimes individuals can't, then it may be just a matter of waiting until something happens that brings in the authorities. They will then do whatever is prescribed by law, depending on the circumstances at the time. It may or may not end up being helpful. I have some idea as to what this is about. I've been involuntarily committed to the psych wards of area hospitals on two occasions. I do wish you the best Idiot17. I know this is a struggle...