Past!n Present! And Future?

Hello, I'm new to this concept of chatting with people on a forum and it actually makes me a little uncomfortable but I feel like I need a little outlet and people who understand. As a teenager I was prone to burning myself or letting other people burn me. Never did I think of it as self injury due to anxiety or depression but looking back on it now it really was.

I've had a really rough year. In the grand scheme of things it's really not TERRIBLE, no deaths or injuries, but I'm a 32 year old mother of two young kids and the wife to a person with alcohol abuse issues who is very much in denial. We had some incidents where he put my kids in bad situations after heavy drinking and since then I've been spiraling. On New Years, 14 years after burning myself, I broke down and cut myself. I knew what I was doing and why I was doing it but I wanted to because I wanted to see what it was like and see how it felt. The problem was, as it always is, that it turned into my outlet for releasing anger and sadness.

Tonight I hit the wall. Fortunately couldn't find anything to cut myself with and went outside and sat in the lawn. I must have looked like a crazy person - oh wait, I am crazy. I took some time and calmed down and felt a little less like I was vibrating - that's the best way I can describe how I feel when I get into this mood.

I guess I'm just at a loss. I've talked to counselors and psychologists; I'm on medication but feel like nothing is working. I feel like the root of my depression is my husbands drinking and I know that I so desperately want out but with 2 kids it's not an easy decision.

I know this isn't an issue that is exclusive to me so what do other people do to deal with the desire to injure themselves? How to people deal with spouses that are alcohol abusers? Feel like sharing?

Hello, JanePolish. What you are doing is not working. Please consider printing a copy of your post for your treatment team. Adjustments need to be made.

Good luck.

Although I very much appreciate that you were quick to comment, I don't know that I find what you said helpful - in fact it actually feels a little frustrating and dismissive. Obviously it's hard to get emotions across in words over a computer so its all left up to interpretation of the reader but what you suggested has been done. I've talked with people, I've made adjustments, that's why I'm here. I'm trying a completely different direction for me, one that makes me slightly uncomfortable, hoping for community and support. Again, I'm sure it was meant to be supportive and I appreciate that much I'm sorry but I feel a little annoyed by it.

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much, it sounds like a real struggle. I don't think just because there's no death or injuries means that a year can't be really rough and quite difficult.

I understand about the burning and cutting. I have had struggles with those, too, since I was 12 years old. I have been self-harm free for over a year, but it took a loss for me to realize how bad it was getting.

For me, the way I stopped self-harming myself was that I found a reason I wanted to stay away from it. I still get the urges, but I always remember that reason and it helps me through the rough times.