Still at it

First let me say, that I appreciate all the coping techniques that everyone has suggested but I'm wondering if anyone can identify with me and just tell me I'm not alone. I have had PTSD, MDD, and Panic Disorder probably since I was a child. I'm 34 and two days ago was my first incidence of cutting. I do have a history of self injury by picking at scabs and reopening scars and digging out moles on my skin. My therapist has referred to my cutting as dissociative episodes. I thought initially that once I identified the trigger that pushed me that far, that I could avoid it. I do understand the trigger, but it's not just the trigger that's causing it.

I've now cut multiple times over the past two days. My left arm is covered in bandages. I don't really look at it as cutting. It's more like carving. I'm an artist and I've been trying to portray the pain I feel through my art, to me, in a way, the cutting is actually taking my art to the next step and carving the pain into my body so that the people causing it can't ignore it. Can anyone identify with that?

I thought, if this isn't just about the anxiety trigger, and it is about the artwork, then maybe I can, instead of actually harming myself, find a way to actually paint the injuries onto my body so they look real and I can get the same affect I want, but it won't be real, and I won't be hurting myself. I do like the feeling of the blade in my skin though. It's like my breathing slows down and the anxiety drains out. I feel calm.

I do know this is a dangerous game I'm playing. I'm well aware I need to stop and need better coping mechanisms, but right now I'm just trying to understand my cutting. Please can anyone identify with me and share their story of why they cut, their struggles, and how they've moved past it?

Has anyone identified their cutting with an artistic outlet?

Please don't judge me. And thanks for your support.

Seesaw

Well I don't really cut per say.....I do self harm in other way though, often creating designs (patterns, words, etc.) on my skin. It's partially an artistic thing for me, but it also makes me feel calmer and keeps me from fidgeting and shaking so much throughout the day. It also makes me feel something, when I'm usually completely numb. I can definitely relate.

Well you do sound very creative. For me taking the deep pain inside and expressing it in a drawing or painting leaves me with a feeling of at least giving it a go to let this whirlwind out of me. I like it better than hurting myself. My body is the closest friend I have. I feel if I hurt myself it only deepens the sense of pain and separation. I understand anger and how it can eat at me. I just try to find something that will not make me part of deepening the problem. For me I think of the body as my child, and I wouldn't hurt my child so I try to find some way to nurture or at least not harm the child. There are not easy answers but there are answers possible when we seek them, at least that is what I believe.

Hi seesaw,

Sorry to hear your still in so much pain and confusion about si. I understand how your feeling and how you got to where you are now.

My story : I first started cutting about 6mths ago I had been a picker and scratcher of my thighs for years but never thought of that as self harm as it was always very small and lots of different spots on my thighs when healed they never left a scar. After being in therapy for just over a year with a fantastic T we hit my csa and my mothers complete inability to cope with it to the point of denial, that's when I found the blade for me each cut is about being as deep as I can go (to get to the pain inside I guess) each cut has required stitches the minimum being 6 and the max being 18. I currently have 32 stitches (I have only ever cut on my upper left arm) after making two cuts yesterday something I have never done before I always got what I needed from one but now it seems I don't and all I can think about is doing more I need to do more and it scares me. I know this is not good for me and long term I never get anything out of it except shame and embarrassment so why do I keep being seduced by it?? Hopefully we both can find the answer soon!

Please take care of yourself Seesaw

It sounds to me like you're trying to appropriate an alternative meaning so as to assuage guilt? I could be wrong, but that's just how your post strikes me.

No one can tell you not to self harm, you also don't need to justify it - if it's helping you cope that's justification enough. But as you've correctly identified, it doesn't really work. Self harm is addicting and becomes gradually less effective. So...there's never a bad time to consider something else. What about using red paint to create images of the pain you're so badly struggling with?

I agree that substitutions are hard - the reason a lot of people stick with self harm is because it works. But others do move on from it - or in the very least self harm a lot less. There's just not a one size fits all solution.

Guess you just have to remain committed to the search.

This is very astute.