[tealBumblebee]

TWTWTW

I decided to self harm today. For no other reason than I could.

I started with hovering a match over an old scar. It was satisfying.

Then I cut my wrist, something I don't normally do. It wasn't nearly deep but enough to keep bleeding for quite a while (at least 10 minutes). I made sure to cut down in one straight line and just kept cutting over that line so that if I accidently went too far i could blame it on something else. It was also satisfying but then I lost my interest in it when it started to try up. I was somewhat disappointed in that part.

I pricked my fingers on my left hand, watched them bleed. It hurt more than normal I guess because it's been so long since I did it. The blood was satisfying but not the pain which usually is.

Then, I just got dumb and used a hot glue gun to burn myself. Just a little dab here and there to feel the sting and the removal of the glue. Then I went for the big one and put a large dab on my hand, it hurt like heck but I didn't allow myself to take it off, I just yelled until the pain passes and when it cooled I peeled it. The skin is completely removed and I can't tell if it's white on red or one second of red away from being white. Surprisingly it really doesn't hurt much.

Then, I sit and think about why I did all this - and I have no reason. And I can't tell T because I made myself promise never to tell T when I self harm (she knows about it only when she asks really; i don't lie to her) but I feel like telling her proves that i'm an attention *****. I don't want to want attention so I do these things and imagine people knowing but make sure no one does.

I feel like a freak of nature. I'm too old for this (26).

I don't even know what I want.

[TheWell]

I'm 43 and I still struggle with self harm. You are not a freak of nature. Or if you are than I am too, and I really don't think I am.

I tell my T every time I self harm. It helps to keep me in check.

It probably doesn't hurt because the burn is bad. Please keep your wounds clean and covered.

Stay safe,
W

[ThisWayOut]

I still self-harm, and I'm about a decade older than you... I also self-harm sometimes because it's kinda addicting and for no reason other than the high/release even if I don't need it for anything else.

[Wren_]

(((((((Teal))))))))

With the times you and your T have talked about SI - has she ever mentioned the attention connection or is it more that you are scared that will happen?

(I know some T's do take that direction; but many thankfully see beyond that idea and can help)

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

(((((((Teal))))))))

With the times you and your T have talked about SI - has she ever mentioned the attention connection or is it more that you are scared that will happen?

(I know some T's do take that direction; but many thankfully see beyond that idea and can help)

... I don't think she comments on it one way or another. I think she knows I have a big issue with being "needy/attention seeking" and if she mentioned that thats what she thought I was doing - it would probably permanently shut me down so it's probably best not to say anything. My whole life i've been accused of being annoying/overly emotional for what felt like any and every reaction I made, especially crying. So she has mentioned that that is my way of crying. Of the times we have talked about it, she has said that the scars/cutting are just symptoms of a deeper issue/hurt. It frustrates me because she said last session that I was doing better (and I really was) so i'm kind of even more embarrassed to mention this. I think I likely won't because it's the only way I can prove to myself that attention is not what I want.

Thanks for your kind words everybody. I don't think the burn is that bad, it's small, white and relatively painless. I think keeping it covered will suffice and everything else is as discreet as always.

[TheWell]

I came clean about my self harm, not to get attention but to try to stop.

I hate the term attention seeking. If someone is actively seeking attention don't you think it's because they need attention? Some of us didn't get the attention we needed as kids so maybe we need a little more now. I don't see that as a problem. I see it as a need that needs to be fulfilled. It shouldn't be a negative thing. I usually tell my group T that I'm feeling needy when I need some attention. Feeling that way today actually.

Hope you are okay,
W

[possum220]

When people harm themselves (And then try and cover it up) it is not attention seeking. It is trying to shift the pain from emotional to physical. The endorphins that kick in also feel good.

Nobody is a freak of nature. Just people in pain.

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by possum220

When people harm themselves (And then try and cover it up) it is not attention seeking. It is trying to shift the pain from emotional to physical. The endorphins that kick in also feel good.

Nobody is a freak of nature. Just people in pain.

my new T has said this to me already like 5 times because like teal, I worry that everything is seen as overly-dramatic and attention-seeking... I keep having to prove to myself tha it's not. glad new T sees it that way also.

[Idiot17]

((((Teal)))) sorry but I don't have nay words of wisdom.....

[unaluna]

Reading your list, i was like, hmm just an average day of doing chores and crafts for me - i can type fast, i dont understand why im so clumsy otherwise. I was watching a carpentry show and it was a younger guy going "and you just flip this wood piece over and then it matches that angle" and i was like, i cannot follow this at all and changed the channel. THAT guy is a freak of nature, i dont know wtf he was doing! I coulda hurt myself just watching him.

[tealBumblebee]

I mentioned it to T but explained to her how I couldn't tell her what I did because I promised myself that I would not in order to prove to myself that i'm not attention seeking. She understood and didn't press the issues but says that i'm the opposite of an attention seeker/ I tend to withdraw...I wish I could believe her.

She did, however, point out that she wasn't surprised it happened as something that I think doesn't bother me has recently come up. She says I tend to shut down instead of allowing the feelings to come, and she may very well have a point.

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by tealBumblebee

I mentioned it to T but explained to her how I couldn't tell her what I did because I promised myself that I would not in order to prove to myself that i'm not attention seeking. She understood and didn't press the issues but says that i'm the opposite of an attention seeker/ I tend to withdraw...I wish I could believe her.

I think the fact that she says that, coupled with you pulling back around this is pretty good evidence against the attention-seeking theory... just someting to think about. I know you work in the health field, so you get to see the "behind the scenes" attitudes of people. I know being in a similar position working with some pretty judgemental people cemented the judgements in my own head about myself. I know my old boss would have said that self-harming and crisis after crisis are negative-attention-seeking behavior from the clients we served. so when that happens with me, I see it the same way. I have yet to have a therapist say that about it though. When I mentioned that judgement to my new therapist recently (in more than one session), she made a point to ask if maybe it was all just a defense mechanism and a result of feeling hurt without having a better way to express it or deal with it as opposed to being attention-seeking in any negative way. It's just a hard line of thinking to give up...

Originally Posted by tealBumblebee

She did, however, point out that she wasn't surprised it happened as something that I think doesn't bother me has recently come up. She says I tend to shut down instead of allowing the feelings to come, and she may very well have a point.

that would make sense. I know it's something I do myself when distressing things of a similar nature come up. My go-to for body memories is self-harm. If I ever let them play out, they end up being full-on flashbacks of the events. I try to always cut it off at the beginning, (quite literally... huh, bad choice of words there)... what would be the implications of not giving in to the self-harm urges/desires for a bit? is your T available enough to try that experiment in case it becomes overwhelming or too uncomfortable?

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I think the fact that she says that, coupled with you pulling back around this is pretty good evidence against the attention-seeking theory... just someting to think about. I know you work in the health field, so you get to see the "behind the scenes" attitudes of people. I know being in a similar position working with some pretty judgemental people cemented the judgements in my own head about myself. I know my old boss would have said that self-harming and crisis after crisis are negative-attention-seeking behavior from the clients we served. so when that happens with me, I see it the same way. I have yet to have a therapist say that about it though. When I mentioned that judgement to my new therapist recently (in more than one session), she made a point to ask if maybe it was all just a defense mechanism and a result of feeling hurt without having a better way to express it or deal with it as opposed to being attention-seeking in any negative way. It's just a hard line of thinking to give up...

I really do want to believe it, but I was raised being told how dramatic I am...even won a 'drama queen' award at a summer camp (that my mom said was not a compliment ) but I was always highly emotional...now I've just learned to become emotionless. Yet still I feel like I'm just too much.

And you're right. I actually was at work the other day and there was someone who came in for something and the nurse said something similar to "he's just attention seeking anyway..." And I told her - even if he was attention seeking (although I don't think he was) - if someone is willing to go to that level of pain/an extreme to receive attention; can't you see that they must need it? She quieted down, but I don't think she understood.

But still, I agree...it is a hard line of thinking to give up.

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

that would make sense. I know it's something I do myself when distressing things of a similar nature come up. My go-to for body memories is self-harm. If I ever let them play out, they end up being full-on flashbacks of the events. I try to always cut it off at the beginning, (quite literally... huh, bad choice of words there)... what would be the implications of not giving in to the self-harm urges/desires for a bit? is your T available enough to try that experiment in case it becomes overwhelming or too uncomfortable?

I see her once a week, but she's said that I am best able to deal with things bit by bit. T's tried forever to get me to allow myself to give in to the feelings instead of the urges but it's so hard (almost impossible). I'm always afraid that I will lose myself (in my brain/head space) if I allow myself to fully feel those things that have been holding me back. However, there is something she told me that I've been able to latch on to which hopefully will help me if I ever decide to believe it enough to act on it: "Yes they feel uncomfortable. Yes, allowing yourself to feel can feel even worse than when they originally happened. But you know what? They're just feelings. And feelings are survivable."

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by tealBumblebee

I see her once a week, but she's said that I am best able to deal with things bit by bit. T's tried forever to get me to allow myself to give in to the feelings instead of the urges but it's so hard (almost impossible). I'm always afraid that I will lose myself (in my brain/head space) if I allow myself to fully feel those things that have been holding me back. However, there is something she told me that I've been able to latch on to which hopefully will help me if I ever decide to believe it enough to act on it: "Yes they feel uncomfortable. Yes, allowing yourself to feel can feel even worse than when they originally happened. But you know what? They're just feelings. And feelings are survivable."

I have that same fear of getting lost in it. I actually have several times, so it's a legit fear in my eyes... Also, I have heard similar things from various T's about feelings being survivable, but I have yet to believe it... At least your T acknowledges that they can feel worse than when it all first happened... I tried to explain that to my former T, but she just didn't get it. When it initially happened, I was able to dissociate. If you're asking me to sit through it, you have to understand how horrible it is... I don't think she ever did get that aspect of it.