I need a piece of advice

Hey! I honestly don't even know what to say and how. I am so sorry for posting this. But I can't keep it to myself anymore. I almost burst out crying today at school. I never cut myself. I must admit, I had been thinking about doing it, but I never mustered the courage. At most, I scratched myself, but could not bear to see something sharp near my wrist. Until recently, when it all became too much. Something happened at my school a week ago and it triggered me. My dad was really mad at me at that time, so my only support was gone. My mother doesn't understand me, she just wants me to snap out of it. My father sees it as a weakness, as my grandfather had basically killed himself with all his drinking and smoking. I think this runs deep in my family. At times I feel I am turning into my dead grandpa, and my father is going to hate me for it. Mom is tired and yells at me and has panic attacks from time to time. My little brother threatens to kill himself. One day we argued and he locked himself in the bathroom and I went after him, sobbing and trying to convince him to open the door. I never felt more desperate in my life. I banged myself on the door, trying to break it open but it would not break. The guilt that I felt then was unbearable. I could not smash it open. I was willing to injure myself to help him. But I could not open it. I could not. I don't know how I managed, but I got him to finnaly open the door. I tried talking to him, but he shut me out. When I went back later I found a mug filled with all kinds of cleaning substances. It was full, and thank god, he hadn't taken a sip.
This was months ago. What really triggered me was a big fight with my parents and problems at school. I didn't feel safe anywhere. I was sleep-deprived, not being able to fall asleep but late at night. I took my paper blade (i use it to sharpen my pencils, and it is a bit rusty) and made the first cut. I started a week ago. I had one particular bad moment when I made a lot of cuts. I have to mention that I do not cut deep, the cuts are superficial. I have them not on my wrist, but on the forearm ( I don't know how to say this, but the cuts are not below the wrists, rather on the other side of the arm). I cleaned some of them, but some not. I have stopped because my whole arm started to hurt. I have no swelling, no redness, no puss, the cuts have healed, the place isn't warm or something, my whole arm just hurts, not bad, but it is kind of annoying. I hope it's not an infection, oh god, but I really don't know. The pain started after the last cuts. I didn't clean them. It hasn't gone away. I have decided that I will tell someone else after they peel off, so they won't find out that I cut. I will just come up with an excuse. I am just a bit worried, and I want to find out more about this. Oh, and at P. E. someone hit me with a basketball exactly where my cuts were. It sure hurt a lot. I am sorry to bother you with this. I swore to myself I would never cut ever again, but I find myself thinking about it again. I sure won't do it with a rusty blade anymore.

Hi tearforcelestial, have you considered therapy? It can be really helpful for dealing with the feelings that trigger your urges to cut. It also teaches you ways to cope with the urges, like journaling for example.

Here's a thread that may interest you: http://forums.psychcentral.com/self-...-yourself.html

But I have a problem: the people in my country haven't yet accepted these problems, I really cannot tell my family: if I tell my mom and dad they will yell at me and consider me a weakling (which I actually am), my dad doesn't agree with therapy, I could tell my grandma, but I would only stress her out, and she is quite old and I do not want to put her through this (she basically raised me, and I tell ber everything, but a while ago, I found out that if I was telling her how bad I felt she would be then unwell, so I only tell her happy things now), if I tell my brother, I will kind of encourage him to do the same (though he already self-harms by interfering with the healing of his scratches, and my parents don't realise this!). I am so ashamed of myself that I want to sort this out without putting pressure on those around me. I have to do it on my own. I would pay for therapy, but I am still in school and I don't want to tell my parents, I have tried the school counselor but she is too busy with other stuff.

If therapy isn't an option, could you possibly try a self help book?

There's one titled "Freedom from Selfharm: Overcoming Self-Injury with Skills from DBT and Other Treatments" that has good reviews.

DBT is a great book to read to help with impulse control. I don't know what country you live in but you can get it on amazon and in a book store. I I used to self injure and gre out of it but still have the urge. It's something I will deal with forever personally. Do you have any of you friends parents you can just vent to or a school teacher. That's when I first got help.

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I'm not going to judge you for this, but I am going to offer advice because I self harm to. Its very important to use clean equipment! You can give yourself blood poisoning or worse, necrotizing faciitus - a flesh eating bacteria. I don't mean to scare you, but these are things that stop me from harming.
If you ever need to talk please pm me.