[Jannaku]

When I was a child I experienced trauma (death of Dad & suicide of brother) within 18 months of each other, plus sexual abuse and domestic violence from my Mum's defacto.

I couldn't deal with things and at around age 12 I started self harming in a variety of ways. I began taking drugs and ended up with a multi-drug dependency syndrome which resulted in me being admitted to rehab when I was 17. In between the drugs I self harmed in lots of different ways. I cut myself with razors, often carving letters or words into my arm; I burnt myself with cigarettes; I pierced my own ear with a sewing needle, etc. etc.

My SI stopped when I was about 20, but I have been left with C-PTSD which throws me into the most intense emotional seas. When that happens, it's not uncommon for me to dig my nails into my own flesh or pull at my hair, but I haven't cut or done anything more than this for years and years.

Over the past 18 months I have been in the absolute worst place I can ever remember. The reality of my past, together with currently being in an abusive relationship with a fully fledge pathological narcissist, has done my head in. I've been suicidal at times and self-harmed via risky drug taking. To say I've been struggling is an understatement, BUT through all of this I didn't engage in any SI ..... until the last week.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I had this desire to cut myself. I don't even know where it came from but I think it was my dysfunctional way of dealing with the enormous stress I have been under, plus the futility of my situation. Once I did one cut, I did more and more over the last few days culminating in about 20 cuts, with each one feeling better (or as good) as the last.

What I can see that has happened now is that my old bad ways of coping, have reared their ugly head again. Now I've done it again and got a taste for it, I fear that this will be another default mode of coping when things just get too much.

I'm 50 now .... 30 years have gone by, and here I am acting like that lost teenager again. WOW .... never thought I'd be here after all these years.

Jannaku xx

Originally Posted by Jannaku

When I was a child I experienced trauma (death of Dad & suicide of brother) within 18 months of each other, plus sexual abuse and domestic violence from my Mum's defacto.

I couldn't deal with things and at around age 12 I started self harming in a variety of ways. I began taking drugs and ended up with a multi-drug dependency syndrome which resulted in me being admitted to rehab when I was 17. In between the drugs I self harmed in lots of different ways. I cut myself with razors, often carving letters or words into my arm; I burnt myself with cigarettes; I pierced my own ear with a sewing needle, etc. etc.

My SI stopped when I was about 20, but I have been left with C-PTSD which throws me into the most intense emotional seas. When that happens, it's not uncommon for me to dig my nails into my own flesh or pull at my hair, but I haven't cut or done anything more than this for years and years.

Over the past 18 months I have been in the absolute worst place I can ever remember. The reality of my past, together with currently being in an abusive relationship with a fully fledge pathological narcissist, has done my head in. I've been suicidal at times and self-harmed via risky drug taking. To say I've been struggling is an understatement, BUT through all of this I didn't engage in any SI ..... until the last week.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I had this desire to cut myself. I don't even know where it came from but I think it was my dysfunctional way of dealing with the enormous stress I have been under, plus the futility of my situation. Once I did one cut, I did more and more over the last few days culminating in about 20 cuts, with each one feeling better (or as good) as the last.

What I can see that has happened now is that my old bad ways of coping, have reared their ugly head again. Now I've done it again and got a taste for it, I fear that this will be another default mode of coping when things just get too much.

I'm 50 now .... 30 years have gone by, and here I am acting like that lost teenager again. WOW .... never thought I'd be here after all these years.

Jannaku xx

Hi,
I am the same age as you and am in a very similar position to you. I thought I was past all this too, but when something major hits you, I think we just go back to our earlier state of coping. We survived then, so we must have coped ok eh? I also have C PTSD and survived CSA. I have anxiety issues too & I also SI from time to time. (Only started again just less than a year ago). Its tough, but stay in therapy.

[Jannaku]

Yep, what can I say? SI seems to be linked predominantly with adolescents and teenagers. I am a mature age cutter and that just seems wrong, doesn't it? I think it's my age that makes it seem so ridiculous because it is such "immature" behaviour. It's unbelievable to think that the mind remembers and defaults to these things despite the years. Must be all those old neural pathways getting activated again. I'm going to stay in therapy, even though there is often a huge pull away from it. I have an appointment tomorrow and am going to have to confess to this. Hoping I can cross the bridge of fear and shame to do that though. Thanks for making me feel not so alone in this.

Originally Posted by Jannaku

Yep, what can I say? SI seems to be linked predominantly with adolescents and teenagers. I am a mature age cutter and that just seems wrong, doesn't it? I think it's my age that makes it seem so ridiculous because it is such "immature" behaviour. It's unbelievable to think that the mind remembers and defaults to these things despite the years. Must be all those old neural pathways getting activated again. I'm going to stay in therapy, even though there is often a huge pull away from it. I have an appointment tomorrow and am going to have to confess to this. Hoping I can cross the bridge of fear and shame to do that though. Thanks for making me feel not so alone in this.

Good luck with telling your t. My worry about telling him, was worse than it actually turned out, & I had lied about it initially, when we first met just over a year ago! I am quite open now to talking about the overwhelming urges I get now, which has helped me curb this habit somewhat.

[Jannaku]

I crossed that bridge and told my T today and now I feel greatly relieved. JoBo - you were right - the worry was much worse than actually telling her. I don't know what sort of reaction I expected, but she was quite ok about it and said that it was fully understandable in the circumstances. She did suggest using other methods to prevent actually cutting, like holding ice in my hand or flicking an elastic on my wrist, just as a means of deflecting the urge away from causing physical injury. I'll give that a go next time I'm in that zone. I'm hoping that revisiting this old method of coping is short lived and passes away soon. Thanks for the support.

Originally Posted by Jannaku

I crossed that bridge and told my T today and now I feel greatly relieved. JoBo - you were right - the worry was much worse than actually telling her. I don't know what sort of reaction I expected, but she was quite ok about it and said that it was fully understandable in the circumstances. She did suggest using other methods to prevent actually cutting, like holding ice in my hand or flicking an elastic on my wrist, just as a means of deflecting the urge away from causing physical injury. I'll give that a go next time I'm in that zone. I'm hoping that revisiting this old method of coping is short lived and passes away soon. Thanks for the support.

I am feeling so proud of you. Well done for speaking up. I use ice cubes, & it does work quite well, but its close to me wanting to squeeze glass. I actually threw my little stash of glass away the other day, having carried it with me at all times for about 8 months. I really hope that you can find something that will help. (It's not as good, if you know what I mean, but its close) XXX

[Jannaku]

I fully understand what you mean JoBo about alternatives not being as good. I'm almost predicting that I'll do the ice thing, and then cut myself afterwards. That's the sort of irrational thing I would do. I've actually tried the elastic band flicking before but felt unsatisfied and then cut myself. Cutting is most definitely a safer form of self-harm for me. I have previously self-harmed by taking unprescribed overdoses of meds combined with alcohol as a means of inflicting harm onto myself, but not in a suicidal way. Either way, both are not great means of coping. I just hope I'm never in the position where I combine the two.