I may have thrown away 5 years free but I have not felt this calm in a long time.

And given my fantasies of slashing my arms from wrist to elbow until they are mutilated bloody messes I think my few small cuts are really very reasonable.

I have this under control.

Under control.

[ThisWayOut]

(hugs) it's not throwing away 5 years, it's just a slip-up. Wanna talk about what's going on? or can you talk to your T about it if you have one?

Thank you.

I keep having these crazy thoughts that I should never have stopped cutting. That I've let all the 'bad' blood build up and that the 'bad' blood is the reason why I'm struggling so much right now. I just need to drain out all the 'bad' blood and the evil it contains then everything will be okay.

****, I sound completely off my tree.

[phoenix7]

nope you dont....i thought i had bad blood from my father all my life - till i realised it renews itself on a regular basis so any bad blood is gone - same wiht you - bad blood is constantly being replaced wiht good blood

you cut ...thats not good ...you didnt do as much as you wanted to so thats great...im innthe same boat.

You didint lose 5 years you did those 5 years and thats wonderful well done you - the very fact that you got through those years means you can do it again

something triggered you - can yuo work that through? have a strategy for when it happens again ?

I have similar images in my head most of the time now - things arnt good for me - ....whennthe images come i do the thigns at the top of this forum - ive even drawn om my arms to show where i wanted to cut......

you did it ..thats over now...you are worth way more than that... see if you can start again from now and i wil do it with you ......we can all get through this together ....ok?

I have no idea how to handle anything to be honest.

I guess it has all kind of built up. Emotionally I've got nothing left to give and yet I still can't say no. I'm working 6 days a week with next to no time to myself and no chance to recharge.

Which means when I found my ex boyfriends amateur porn account I had no buffer to deal with it.

There's nothing quite like hearing your ex masturbate to other women and see him using the exact same phrases he used on you (You're the only person to make me do... I've never felt so connected...) to make it clear how little he cared about you. And how stupid you were for falling for his tricks.

On top of that I see him being so nice to these other women (just like he was when we first met.) and I can't help but think that maybe he really is a nice person and the only reason he turned on me and started treating me bad was because I did something to deserve it.

I know that an abuser is never going to show his true face in that sort of public scenario but I still struggle with all the self doubt and lack of worth he encouraged.

I'm also feeling a distinct urge to warn these women. To tell them to run. Run as fast as you can. There is a reason this 'perfect' man has been 'single' for 10 years. I know they wouldn't believe me though. I wouldn't have believed anyone who said that to me.

I've been so emotionally on edge of late that honestly those cuts were the most relief I have felt in a long time.

It's scary. I don't think I want to stop again.

I can only see my therapist every 6 weeks or so and I have no friends left over after that relationship meaning I've got no support anyway, so there is no one to care if I'm SHing or not.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

I have no idea how to handle anything to be honest.

at the top of the self injury forum there are some ides that may help

I guess it has all kind of built up. Emotionally I've got nothing left to give and yet I still can't say no.

people please like me....theres a book ...when i say no i feel guilty - old book but let me see a lot of what i was doing wrong - see if your library has it its an easy read may help

I'm working 6 days a week with next to no time to myself and no chance to recharge.

well thats a big part of the problem then - you need time to rest and revive - beign tired wont help you handle your emotions....why are you working 6 days and how much longer for?

Which means when I found my ex boyfriends amateur porn account I had no buffer to deal with it.

shakes my head,

There's nothing quite like hearing your ex masturbate to other women and see him using the exact same phrases he used on you (You're the only person to make me do... I've never felt so connected...) to make it clear how little he cared about you. And how stupid you were for falling for his tricks.

he sounds like "a player" someone who manipulates people for his own needs - and well versed in what a woman needs to hear to be comfortable and connected - what a rat grrr! you werent stupid - he sounds like he's had a lot of practice at deceiving , and we tend to believe those we love till we find otherwise -

On top of that I see him being so nice to these other women (just like he was when we first met.) and I can't help but think that maybe he really is a nice person and the only reason he turned on me and started treating me bad was because I did something to deserve it.

NO! he's abusive, sucked you in , same as he will suck in the next one till either he gets help or gets caught , or someone maybe does it to him - my sisters ex started off all sweetness and light - then turned into a control freak while making everyone else round thinnk he was a wonderful husband he verbally destroyed her self confience and self worth - you dont deserve anyone "turning on you" he is not a nice person

I know that an abuser is never going to show his true face in that sort of public scenario but I still struggle with all the self doubt and lack of worth he encouraged.

yes and you need to work through that and get healed ....

I'm also feeling a distinct urge to warn these women. To tell them to run. Run as fast as you can. There is a reason this 'perfect' man has been 'single' for 10 years. I know they wouldn't believe me though. I wouldn't have believed anyone who said that to me.

nods agreement wiht the above ^^^^

I've been so emotionally on edge of late that honestly those cuts were the most relief I have felt in a long time.

believe me when i say i fully understand how it can seem that way - but there are better ways to deal wiht this, ones that dont hurt you

It's scary. I don't think I want to stop again.

talk to your T about this - for me its actually an easy option - one pain to cover another - to let all that pain out and distract me .... and i have the scars to prove it.....its not a good way or a healthy way to deal wiht your pain - find another way please...you deserve better.

I can only see my therapist every 6 weeks or so and I have no friends left over after that relationship meaning I've got no support anyway, so there is no one to care if I'm SHing or not.

hey! PC is here - we care if you SH - i care if you SH - my sisters ex cut her off form friends and familly , it takes time but you can rebuild those networks and until you do PC is here ok - lean on us