Haven't SI in over a year... until today

It's been over a year since I've really felt the need to SI. During that year I developed a numbness... no feelings for pretty much anything. I was emotionless and kind of robotic. The last couple of months or so I've noticed the 'numbness' starting to wear off and all the pain I've always felt came rushing back.

I had never SI severely... just enough to make the pain go away. Well today I honestly don't know what triggered my severe rage and pain (maybe ALL of the numbness had finally gone away?) but I felt as if I was going to explode and I needed something, anything to relieve me. I didn't have anything... useable... nearby so I dug my nails into my skin as hard as I could until I felt better. It left a very deep nasty scar. Afterwards (and for the rest of the day) I felt better... as if nothing had ever happened. I don't really know what happened there... what brought it on...

i'm sorry..........haven't you been under recent stress? i hope you feel better tomorrow (well, today)........xoxox pat

I am sorry you felt so much pain, congratulations though for going a whole year without SI-ing! Good for You! You had a relapse ok. Today is also a new day, it's a clean slate. Get back on the right road & care about yourself like I & others truly do. xoxoxoxoxo

Thanks for caring fayerody and mlpHolmes. Today wasn't nearly as bad as yesterday, but some of those feelings still lingered.

((((((((((((((((((((Anon)))))))))))))))))) I am sorry you are feeling so bad and had a relapse. You can start again from here but I do understand how hard it is to think like that. I hope today is better. Please take care.

BB

(((((((((((((Anony))))))))))))

I'm sorry to hear that you havne't been feeling that well lately and you felt you had to SI again. But its important for you to know that just because you did it again doesn't define you. It doesnt mean that because you've done it again that you are doomed to keep doing it. Going a year without SI'ing is a HUGE accomplishment and you should be really proud of youself. By doing that, you've been able to show yourself that you DO have the strength, and you can do it again. Don't let this on lapse start another trend ... take strength in the fact that you were able to stop for a year, and try and beat that. Make it a goal .. do anything you can do not do it again, because you CAN do this.

Take care of you...
Jacq

Thanks bipolar_bear and jacq10. It does give me a little confidence knowing that I did go a year without SI and most of the time now I feel as if I could do that again or even longer. However, it also scares me that my urge to SI several days ago came on so sudden and that I might get that feeling again. At this moment I can say that know I can overcome that urge, but when the actual moment comes I'm not so sure.

What I did (when I was SI'ing) was I made a box, and I put all kinds of special meaningful things inside of it. Things like pictures of family/friends that meant a great deal to me, letters recieved, and little random things that made me feel better. This box was only to be opened whenever I was feeling at my worst, whenever I thought i was going to SI. And when i was feeling all these intense things i went to my box, and i looked through everything. I remembered how all these people care about me, and just that alone made me feel better.

Just a suggestion .. but you may want to give it a try.

Thanks jacq10. That really is a great idea about the box with all the meaningful things inside (I like artsy projects anyway ). I definitely will try that out. I think looking at pictures of ones that I care greatly about will help me a lot during that 'moment'. Thanks again!

Glad to hear that you like the idea! It sure did help me and i hope that it does the same for you!!

what a wonderful idea jacq. I think I may give that a try.

BB