[whim]

Please dont read this if fragile or thinking of self harm already.

I'm in my 30s and have just had my first real experience with self harm. I have always had issues with self destruction, but this is the first time I've done what I would classify more as self harm, not just doing things that would lead to harm, but actual harming just to harm. I have to say I got a great sense of relief. I never thought this is something I would do. I don't like the idea of cutting,

Possible trigger:

so I took a knife and heated it with a candle, and burned it into my wrist. Did this in the same spot over and over for about 10 days.

The pain was brutal, but lessened my inner pain and made me feel strong, like there was something I could finally handle. I stopped about 2 weeks ago, and my wrist is healing up okay. I'm going to have a massive scar that will be difficult to explain, in fact I think trying to cover up the burn mark was the only reason I stopped. Wearing cuff bracelets and watches that rubbed on the burn while working was not something I enjoyed and was a huge infection risk. Anyways, it was nice feeling relief in a way that was not drugs or other substance abuse behavior, but I think this may be just as addicting for me. My spouse is always upset about my self medication because of the issues it causes both of us, I feel like this one may at least be less destructive to our relationship, even if it's destructive to me. It's not a good place to be, feeling the need for relief and always looking to unhealthy places, but I haven't found a way out of the darkness that is healthy. I guess I just needed to get this out there and hope I'm not alone in this, although also hope others aren't as self destructive as me.

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[LettinG0]

I was a 'late-bloomer' so to speak as I just started self-harming several months ago having never done it before or even had the urge to do so before. Still not really sure why I tried it.....some suggested it was med induced (I am BP and was on a new AD)....it might have just been the extreme emotional stress I was under at the time. Anyway, it was a relief valve and I soon became addicted to the release the action brought. I have not SH'd since my last IP stay at the end of January. I am proud of myself for not doing it; but, I think about it almost constantly and want to.

I hope you can find a healthier alternative for release before SH becomes a habit and/or addiction. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Fizzyo]

Hi,
I can relate to what you say, I used self inflicted pain on and off for many years, but never left a scar until approximately 1 1/2 years ago

Possible trigger:

i started to burn myself with heated cutlery

. I am well and truly hooked, trying to give up and haven't burned fo over a month but unable so far to go more than a day without hurting myself, even with specialist help. It is very distressing for my husband to see the wounds and scars. Some wounds take many months to heal and I feel guilty that I'm now using NHS resources to dress wounds that aren't healing properly even without infection. If you can avoid this addiction, please do, it's more destructive than it seems at first. Regards and hugs,

[whim]

Thank you both for your responses. I agree that the behavior is so destructive, but I don't know yet how to stop. My therapist seems a little lost in what to do with me and my self destructive ways, but we are talking about them so that's good. I get a new psych at the end of the month who I am hoping will be less of a candy man and more interested in my care.

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[Fizzyo]

It's so hard when it seems to work so well! We are just feeding ourselves something similar to morphine which our body makes in response to pain, that's why it's so tempting to keep doing it! Good luck with the new Psych. Don't knock the candy that does help, I have a small dose of quetiapine at night which really helps damp down night time agitation and SH urges, doesn't take them away, but much more tolerable and at least I get to sleep. (Mirtazapine did a similar job before but made me VERY hungry). Hang on in there you're worth it. Be kind to yourself

[whim]

Some meds are great, I just have too much temptation to over due it, and love to take too many clonopin and zone out when I'm down. I have told my psych this and he keeps writing scripts, which I fill when feeling overwhelmed and lose my self control, and then take too many, and cycle repeats. I know it's bad, and often get more depressed from taking them so just a cycle I really need to break.

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[Fizzyo]

[Crazy Hitch]

We care about you

[Sinking Feeling]

Fascinating. Using pain to self medicate is pretty much what your doing! Others use substance to self medicate. I truly find this topic very interesting!