[betenoire19]

I am so embarrassed and ashamed of my body and what I've done to it. The old scars, whatever -- they're a part of me; I've self-injured for 22 years now. But the fresh scars are like a scarlet letter signifying my mental illness.

Over the last few years, I've tried to cut only on my thighs where people wouldn't see. But what I did the other day -- I feel so stupid. At the time, I wanted people to see, so I cut my arm, repeatedly. It wasn't leaving marks, and there was no blood, so I kept doing it.

Only now I have all these cuts on my forearm, these long, red gashes that showed up later on, and it's so hot and humid and I can't wear long sleeves, and bandages make it look even more apparent. I almost didn't go out last night to a friend's birthday party because I didn't want everyone to see.

I feel like a freak, an obvious mental wreck. I don't even want to leave the house. They're going to take forever to fade. So much abuse to my body. The thing was, I couldn't stop crying for days. When I did this to myself, it was the release I needed, because I was able to stop the tears and calm down.

What a terribly violent thing to do to myself. I feel like such an idiot. I don't see a psychiatrist until September. I'm such a mess.

[CANDC]

Hi Betenoire, I am so sorry you are feeling so embarrassed and ashamed of your body because of self harming. I understand why people do self harm. I was reading how self harming causes chemicals to be released into the bloodstream like adrenaline and other hormones that act the way meds work to reduce our stress. It becomes an addiction just like alcohol or drugs can be. But meds are different because they can be a long term solution to self harming if they are adjusted regularly to maintain emotional stability and low stress levels.

If you feel so bad that you are self harming, that could be a reason to ask for an emergency appointment with your psychiatrist to adjust the meds. Some people I know also have a med they can use as needed to help them reduce the stress levels without harming one's body.

I always try to look at my falling down and making mistakes over again without judgments. Self condemnation only seems to make me feel worse.

[Fizzyo]

Hi Betenoire, this comes a long time after your post but I still feel for you. Self harming is understandable if not long term helpful. If marks are visible but healed, you can put concealer make up on them till they fade. It may help you to feel better about going out, even if you have to reapply frequently it stops people casually noticing. I hope you can find a way to accept yourself, whatever you have done, would you blame your best friend if they had done the same in the same circumstances as yours? I am fighting an addiction to self injury, a few weeks of success so far, but I hope I can have compassion on myself 'if ' I relapse, every day is a series of choices to harm, or not and I try to make a positive choice, but when I fall down , tomorrow is a fresh start and I try to give myself a clean slate each day rather than punish myself for something in the past which I can't change. This is rambling, I apologise, but I hope it is some help.

[Fizzyo]

Hi Betenoire, how are you now? Have you heard of skin camouflage? In UK there is a charity that helps people use it to hide scars, whatever the reason, it's the kind of make up actors use to reproduce things like scars or age someone. It's waterproof and you can shower or swim and it stays on one to four days depending where it needs to be and how much it gets rubbed in normal life. I use it on my arms an stomach and it helps me feel much better about exposing my arms, scars can be almost invisible and peopl no longer look twice. Best wishes