Violent urges plus some other things

I've been having some violent urges, which I solve by cutting myself, although I know that it isn't the best way to cope and I live it a hot area, and when I work it hurts because of my cuts. I feel it's either hurt myself, or someone else, which is what one of the others wants to do but I don't want to get in trouble. And sometimes I just want to see some blood. I also believe that if I cut myself then I can get the poison out, because I didn't want to starve myself just because my food is being poisoned. I know it is a delusion but I have a hard time not believing it.

What's going on with the people that you work with?

Could the heat and hunger be triggering for you, as in the rage and believing that your food is poisoned?

I'm not sure about the hunger but I think the heat might have a role. I can't really go out because of the heat and so the only thing I pretty much have is work which stresses me out because it's customer service. The stress makes my possible delusions worse, which I have been having for over a month now. The one about being poisoned is the main one, and that people could read my thoughts or sense them, since I have a defense built in.

I just want it to be winter already so that I can walk outside again.

I should add that I wear pants and I cut my thighs, so it stings whenever I have to pick something up or fold something. And I wear shorts so that blood won't seep put.

I've also found that gauze isn't a great thing to put on my wounds because it hurts to take off.

Have you tried liquid bandages, i think they are otc and may help with the discomfort of fabric and your wounds. Is that what you mean about going out in the heat?

I mean heat can trigger reactions with injured brains, like my own, I've a brain with too many scars to count from where my illness had eaten away at some of the insulation around my nerves. I would rather not become incapacitated by summer, so I've learned to live around this.
What happens at home, that you feel miserable?I've only an inch scar on my thigh from when I was a teen. my homelife was really the issue, and there was a ton of passive aggressive individuals in my life and adults were more out of control than kids and it just wasn't fair.

My home life is better since I am no longer living with my parents. And I am also provided for.

TW: Abuse
I grew up in a chaotic household with an emotionally abusive mother, and it still affects me until this day. I was also sexually abused and experienced some neglect.

Sometimes I am reminded of what happened to me.

Also, I do have family members with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety, so that could also be a reason for my mind.

As for the heat, I can't really walk outside because it's hard for me to breathe and I wear a binder. Even when I don't wear a binder it's still hard to breathe. Also it's too bright and it makes me feel uncomfortable. It can get up to 100 degrees Fahrenheit where I'm at.

Very relatable.... BEST WISHES to you