[ameliaxxx]

I'm so sorry if this sounds immature. This was 3 years ago.

The very first time I cut myself, was a few days after the last day of school. I was 15 years old and freshmen year just ended. I had a lot of other issues that probably lead me to start self harming, but this was the "final straw" I guess.

I was so angry because my best friend, a few weeks before, told me she liked me (in a romantic/sexual way. I'm also a girl). I was over the moon because I thought that all my problems were over because someone actually liked me! We kissed 3 days later in the morning before school started. Then afterwards told me that she said she was straight and didn't like me (WTF?!). She said that there was something wrong with me for leading her on!!! When she was the one who lead me on for MONTHS and manipulated me into making me her friend, and later girlfriend. I knew I liked girls for a while, but I was still in the denial phase. I never lead her on, if anything I tried really hard to hide any homosexual feelings, for her or any other girl. I actively said I liked guys (not true). I also, never hugged her before until that point. She actually for months acted flirtatious around me. And when we went shopping, kept trying to touch me to "fix" whatever I had on. I eventually told her to stop doing that. She wasn't the type of girl I really found attractive, at least to me. She somehow, made me like her.

And I felt so angry for finally realizing I was gay. I couldn't stay in the dark about it anymore. And my "friend" made me feel like **** about it. She started calling me on the phone and saying horrible things to me about how her mom hated me and that I was disgusting. I couldn't come to her house anymore. And that her mom said I turned her gay. Then when she invited me over to go swimming, she started to make out with me and touch me RIGHT BEHIND HER MOTHER WHILE she was sleeping on a chair 10 ft away!!! Then tells me later that we can't ever do that again. Then when we hung out "secretly" at the park, she tried to kiss me and touch me but when I go home, she texts me that we can't do that again, because her parents would disown her.

Now that I am writing this, I realize how immature this all was. But she kept finding new ways to manipulate me into doing it again. She eventually told me she would kill herself if I wouldn't hang out with her again!!! She eventually started manipulating me have sex with her. One time, she even said I raped her because "she was asleep"?! She also made very rude comments about me body. And on top of all of this, the guilt of the fact that I was gay was unbearable. I didn't want to be gay. I hated myself for it. I just want to be normal.

I know I am gay, and I know I did like her, but I don't like her anymore.

I started to cut myself because of all of this. And I started cutting myself for other reasons. And then I started to cut myself for any reason at all.

When was your first time self harming? Why?

[secretgalaxy]

That must have been very hard you during that time. I am very sorry you had to go through that. Hopefully now you have come to accept yourself for who you are? If not, hopefully you are working on it.

I started actually cutting in the 7th grade, so I was 11-12. Before that was scratching and biting, or hitting my head/thighs as hard as I could.

Possible trigger:

I began cutting because one time, I hit myself so hard in the head I passed out.

Anyway, I still remember the day rather clearly. My friend had been cutting and she said it made her feel good, and I was going through a lot with PTSD and severe Anxiety, so I wanted something that would help me too. That afternoon, after school, I did it. The instant relief and distracting fascination turn into an immediate addiction, in which I have allowed to take over. I stopped fighting 3 years ago, and just allow the urges to be satisfied.

If I had a bad day, especially with flashbacks and anxiety, having a tool that completely distracts me was what kept me here for so long.

Self-harm is bittersweet...

[ShaggyChic_1201]

I'm an overachiever, so everything is triggerable

Possible trigger:

My first time, which I don't remember, was when I was 5 and used a steak knife to cut my thigh screaming I hated how fat I was.

First time I remember SH was in 4th grade when I tried to intentionally sprain my wrist. I got caught by a teacher, but this was so long ago that no one knew it was a sign of distress. They just thought I was a whack job. (which of course I was )

it became a habit in college, in addition to lots of other bad coping skills. Just today I was looking at my scars. They're very unobtrusive/easily "explained" (I have dozens of interesting but fake stories I can regail audiences with), but to me, they're a roadmap of how tragic my life has been, and the lengths to which I've gone to stay alive. I imagine, if I ever told my T that my favorite method is to cut away chunks of flesh with sharp scissors, she'd get a lot of insight.

Now quite old and in T for 4+ years, I don't act on my urges anymore. Sometimes I miss the outlet, so I fantasize about it. Sad. Very sad.

[Chuva]

I started at 22. The first time, the emotional pain was so unbearable that I needed some kind of relief. And a relief it was.

Possible trigger:

After that, I almost always self-harmed because I couldn't feel my body, thought I was dead (doctors tell me it was derealization), and I needed a way to confirm I was actually alive. I couldn't feel the pain, but the blood soothed me.

PS. Just like ShaggyChic, I don't act on my urges anymore. I haven't self-harmed for 9 years now. But I too do fantasize about it.

[dancersam23]

I was 13 at the time.

I was having trouble with these two girls that were harassing me, and I had had enough. This was during school and I had received a message about how much a horrible person I was and that I should die at that exact moment. I ran to the locker room, that was empty at the time, and cried.

I was tired of everything and I found a sharp object near the lockers and sliced my thighs and a little bit of my arms. Besides the harassment, I was already depressed but didn't know it.

From then on, I've continued to self harm, but it's been 3 weeks since the last time I did, which I'm very proud of

[Ad Intra]

I was 13 and being abused

[ameliaxxx]

Originally Posted by dancersam23

I was 13 at the time.


I was having trouble with these two girls that were harassing me, and I had had enough. This was during school and I had received a message about how much a horrible person I was and that I should die at that exact moment. I ran to the locker room, that was empty at the time, and cried.


I was tired of everything and I found a sharp object near the lockers and sliced my thighs and a little bit of my arms. Besides the harassment, I was already depressed but didn't know it.


From then on, I've continued to self harm, but it's been 3 weeks since the last time I did, which I'm very proud of

I'm sorry you went through that

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[ameliaxxx]

Originally Posted by Ad Intra

I was 13 and being abused

I'm so sorry

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[ameliaxxx]

Originally Posted by Chuva

I started at 22. The first time, the emotional pain was so unbearable that I needed some kind of relief. And a relief it was.

Possible trigger:

After that, I almost always self-harmed because I couldn't feel my body, thought I was dead (doctors tell me it was derealization), and I needed a way to confirm I was actually alive. I couldn't feel the pain, but the blood soothed me.

PS. Just like ShaggyChic, I don't act on my urges anymore. I haven't self-harmed for 9 years now. But I too do fantasize about it.

I'm sorry! I'm glad it's been 9 yrs though since!

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[ameliaxxx]

Originally Posted by secretgalaxy

That must have been very hard you during that time. I am very sorry you had to go through that. Hopefully now you have come to accept yourself for who you are? If not, hopefully you are working on it.


I started actually cutting in the 7th grade, so I was 11-12. Before that was scratching and biting, or hitting my head/thighs as hard as I could.

Possible trigger:

I began cutting because one time, I hit myself so hard in the head I passed out.

Anyway, I still remember the day rather clearly. My friend had been cutting and she said it made her feel good, and I was going through a lot with PTSD and severe Anxiety, so I wanted something that would help me too. That afternoon, after school, I did it. The instant relief and distracting fascination turn into an immediate addiction, in which I have allowed to take over. I stopped fighting 3 years ago, and just allow the urges to be satisfied.


If I had a bad day, especially with flashbacks and anxiety, having a tool that completely distracts me was what kept me here for so long.


Self-harm is bittersweet...

I've accepted it more. I'd rather not be, but it's who I am and regardless how I became this way, it's not going to change so I might as well accept it.

Self harm probably kept me from killing myself many times. Before that I starved myself. That caused so many more problems than actual cutting though. I almost died from anorexia and I have heart issues still today. And the last time I was hospitalized for it was in 2011! So self harm was actually a much better alternative to helping me cope. Starvation, no.

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[ameliaxxx]

Originally Posted by ShaggyChic_1201

I'm an overachiever, so everything is triggerable

Possible trigger:

My first time, which I don't remember, was when I was 5 and used a steak knife to cut my thigh screaming I hated how fat I was.

First time I remember SH was in 4th grade when I tried to intentionally sprain my wrist. I got caught by a teacher, but this was so long ago that no one knew it was a sign of distress. They just thought I was a whack job. (which of course I was )

it became a habit in college, in addition to lots of other bad coping skills. Just today I was looking at my scars. They're very unobtrusive/easily "explained" (I have dozens of interesting but fake stories I can regail audiences with), but to me, they're a roadmap of how tragic my life has been, and the lengths to which I've gone to stay alive. I imagine, if I ever told my T that my favorite method is to cut away chunks of flesh with sharp scissors, she'd get a lot of insight.

Now quite old and in T for 4+ years, I don't act on my urges anymore. Sometimes I miss the outlet, so I fantasize about it. Sad. Very sad.

I want to cut myself again too but I run competitively & to try to wear long sleeves year round under your uniform is unbearable. It gets try hot when you run as hard as you can, in 90°, outside, with long sleeves. Also, swear stings on cut and the excursion of running will make the cuts bleed again. I wore white sleeves one day and I might as well wore nothing. So, that is my main reason I don't cut. I can't believe you cut yourself at 5!!! I have scars now on my arms and thighs, that sometimes are noticeable. Not horribly noticeable. I never had people ask unless they knew I cut myself before. Try are not big, but they are big in number and they are raised and white. Scar tissue. Sometimes purple if I'm cold... Actually, in class I would use a rubber band when I was upset to the point my wrist was raw and red. One teacher caught me.

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The first time I hurt myself deliberately I was 7 or 8 I think. I hit me on my butt with the flyswatter. My mother had told me that when she did something to deserve it, her parents would hit her on the underpants with the carpet beater. I felt I had done something to deserve it, so I tried to do the same - with the flyswatter because we don't have a carpet beater.

[RedSun]

When I was about six.
I don't know why.

[breakmystride]

I was 21 and couldn't sleep because of anxiety. Not sure how I got it into my head that cutting would help relax me, but it worked.

[l00king4answers79]

I was 14 and I was raped, after that I felt worthless, like I had been all used up. I'm a fat girl so I already didn't like myself and after that I hated myself so much. I started to self harm after that on a consistent basis. I'm 21 now and I still do it occasionally. Trying my best to stop though.

[thecrankyone]

I haven't done a lot of cutting, but I've been picking at my skin since I can remember. I have so many scars, they out number the clear skin. Not just arms and legs, but other areas as well.

[NurseCollie]

I was 7. My window broke and glass shards went into one of my socks. I put my socks on and the shards cut into my foot. Instead of taking off my sock, I walked around with it on, pressing and rubbing the shards on my foot. I felt the pain distracted me of the constant feeling of shame. I remember sitting down while sweating because of the pain, staring at my blood soaked sock. I took off the sock and picked away any shards in my foot, cleaned, and wrapped it. I then found out the best part of self-harm: the pain of it healing.

[ThisWayOut]

I was 6 or 7.

Possible trigger:

I used to pick at my skin. we were in the car and my parents were fighting. I picked harder at a scab and it stung when it ripped away, but my panic and fear around the fight went away... my dad was really abusive, and hurting myself made the hurt of that less

[ameliaxxx]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I was 6 or 7.

Possible trigger:

I used to pick at my skin. we were in the car and my parents were fighting. I picked harder at a scab and it stung when it ripped away, but my panic and fear around the fight went away... my dad was really abusive, and hurting myself made the hurt of that less

I'm so sorry. I understand *hugs*

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[ameliaxxx]

Originally Posted by NurseCollie

I was 7. My window broke and glass shards went into one of my socks. I put my socks on and the shards cut into my foot. Instead of taking off my sock, I walked around with it on, pressing and rubbing the shards on my foot. I felt the pain distracted me of the constant feeling of shame. I remember sitting down while sweating because of the pain, staring at my blood soaked sock. I took off the sock and picked away any shards in my foot, cleaned, and wrapped it. I then found out the best part of self-harm: the pain of it healing.

I like how re-opening an old wound is way more painful than making a new one... You don't have to make as many cuts.

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[ameliaxxx]

Originally Posted by thecrankyone

I haven't done a lot of cutting, but I've been picking at my skin since I can remember. I have so many scars, they out number the clear skin. Not just arms and legs, but other areas as well.

I have some small, raised white scars on my fore arms and thighs.

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[ameliaxxx]

Originally Posted by l00king4answers79

I was 14 and I was raped, after that I felt worthless, like I had been all used up. I'm a fat girl so I already didn't like myself and after that I hated myself so much. I started to self harm after that on a consistent basis. I'm 21 now and I still do it occasionally. Trying my best to stop though.

I'm sorry. I understand what you're going through. *hugs* ️️

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[thecrankyone]

Originally Posted by ameliaxxx

I have some small, raised white scars on my fore arms and thighs.

Arms, legs, feet, face, ears, neck, back, hips, breasts, anywhere I can reach. I couldn't even tell you how some of them got started. It's like one day they are just there.

cranky

[ameliaxxx]

[QUOTE=thecrankyone;4538312]

Originally Posted by ameliaxxx

I have some small, raised white scars on my fore arms and thighs.


Arms, legs, feet, face, ears, neck, back, hips, breasts, anywhere I can reach. I couldn't even tell you how some of them got started. It's like one day they are just there.


cranky

I limited myself to my thighs and arms... But my thighs and arms became covered in cuts... Like hundreds of cuts. Ugh

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[BeautifulDisasters]

I would've been 12 the first time I cut. I cut the inside of my lip with a razor blade a bunch of times so no one would know, I was too afraid to cut anywhere else.
All I remember is that I was intensely stressed about things going on in my life and with school.