Any kind of advice, would be helpful here...

Hello everyone!

Well... I don't really know where to start from and what to say. It's not about me, but about a friend. She's a 15 year old girl and she lives far away from me. I met her online and got to chat with her, to find out some not really pleasant things. She's cutting herself a lot. That's because she has problems with her parents, friends... Plus, she doesn't eat a lot. Yesterday she told me that she was fine, watching tv, when she found herself holding a razor and cutting her arm.

I'm trying to help her. but I don't really know how to do that. I used to cut myself too, but I stopped (without going to a doctor). So, talking to her, makes me go back to those moments too. When I'm trying to tell her she should go to a doctor, she gets mad, so I stopped doing that, because I'm afraid that she'll stop talking to me too. She believes that I'm the only person that can help her and she won't accept to talk to anyone else, because I can understand her (since she knows about my cutting).

So, I feel that I'm in a dead end here.... I want to help her, but I don't really know how. Plus, talking to her makes me being ready to start cutting myself again. But I don't want to stop her talking about that, because she needs to.

*and now, head explodes.....*

Louisa,

It's great that you want to help your friend. I have found that it does help to have found other people who know what it's like and be able to talk to them. Like Ozzie told you, though, you have to make sure to take care of yourself. The responsibility to be the only person who can help her is pretty big, and you should not feel like you have to take that on. She needs to talk to a doctor or mental health professional, like you have told her, but if she is not ready for that yet, maybe she would come talk to us here. We understand it too - several of us are or have been self-injurers ourselves, and we support each other. One more is always welcome.

There are probably several reasons why your friend doesn't want to tell a doctor. Self-injury is often not well-received, although that is changing and more and more professionals are starting to be able to understand it now. She also probably doesn't feel ready to give it up. Maybe it is the only way she has to cope with her feelings. Self-injury is not the problem itself, and it doesn't actually help just to talk about that behavior. There are powerful emotions and feelings behind it, usually that have been denied and stuffed away, and those feelings will need to be dealt with. I don't recommend that you take on that project - it takes someone with professional training - although you could try asking her what she is feeling the next time she brings up cutting, and focus on that instead of the cutting. The thing to emphasize is that our feelings are real, and we all have a right to have our feelings, no matter what a parent or someone has told us before. Sometimes expressing those feelings and having someone accept them, although it probably takes a lot of acceptance over a length of time, can be what it takes to not need to hurt oneself anymore.
Wendy


<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>

Thanks a lot guys! I've read a lot of threads in here, trying to find ways to help her. I don't really think I can do that, though. Well, I listen to her, she talks to me about her feelings and what's wrong in her life and I'm trying to find any possible practical solutions with her. I know that only if she solves her problems she'll stop cutting herself. But it's not that easy, with parents treating her as if she worths nothing.

Though, I think we had a bit of a progress... She told me that she doesn't want those feelings and she'll try to find a solution. I really hope she finally does.

As for trying to make her visit such forums, she refuses to. I tried explaining to her that it doesn't have to do with psychologists or anything, but she won't listen to me.

So, the only thing I can do, is hope that she'll go through it and that I'll be able to help.
Thanks again!
*In lack of real flowers, insert flower's picture here*

Hello and Welcome!!!

I can understand your dilemma here. I haven't ever had someone try to tell me that I am their only hope for dealing with s.i., but I have been the self-injurer who felt like some person was her only hope (!), so does that help? First, please remember that YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for anyone else's behavior- and if she does s.i., it's ultimately on her and not you. Having been there yourself, you know that you were the only person who could really stop you in the end, right? Still, there are things you can do to help. Already just being there for her is helping her a lot, I'm sure. The following are some suggestions [paraphrased in my own words] from the book "Bodily Harm" by Karen Contrerio & Wendy Lader:

-Express concern & offer to talk
-Accept that it may be hard for her to talk about it
-Avoid abrupt questions that may lead to defensiveness (ae: "Why are you doing this?")
-Focus on getting them to acknowledge their problem & need for support/help (of course, you have to consider your friend's assertion that she doesn't want to see a pdoc)
-Remember it takes time and usually therapy to be able to put those feelings into words (I say that a friend can also be great in helping you find expression for your feelings)
-Don't expect to be able to fix it; and it's okay to acknowledge that you don't have all the answers, or the ability to make it all better
-Just LISTEN: you don't have to do anything "special"
-Validate their feelings
-Let them direct the conversation
-Offer your help & support
-Try to convince them to CHOOSE to stop, but do not try to exert power/control because power struggles will backfire
-Make them aware of the possible consequences of their behavior, and then give them time to consider that and find alternatives
-Make them aware that you are affected by their behavior as well (but DO NOT do so in a way that would feel like a guilt trip!!!)
-Respect privacy
-TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!! Stay healthy, set limits, allow yourself to be human, make sure you take care of your own needs, rely on the help of others. Get your own counseling if you need some support in dealing with this
-Encourage the use of language instead of actions
-Don't be guilted or feel overly-obligated
-Do not do 24-hour watches. Emphasize that, while you care, it is ultimately your loved one's responsibility and you view them as capable of making a healthy decision for themself
-Help them develop a crisis plan/list of alternatives, be familiar with it, and know your role (help determine your role, I'd say)
-Accept your own reactions to the s.i. as normal. Think them through, express them nonjudgmentally, adjust your expectations and understanding, use concern constructively.
-Make sure you express your own emotions, and in a healthy way. You are encouraging your friend to express and not stifle/deny/s.i. to escape, and you need to hold yourself to the same standard and be emotionally honest

That is the bulk of the advice from this particular book. These people have been working with s.i. since the 80's and established the first s.i.-only treatment center, so I figure they can be considered a good source. I also like a lot of what they say. Of course, you have to be your real self, responding to your friend in a personalized way. That may be the most important of all. I hope this helps!!!! Good luck!!!!
((((((((((((((((((((((hugs for you and your friend))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

SweetCrusader

"Blessed be the cracked, for they let in the light"
-Author Unknown

Hey Louisa,
Sounds like you're in a tough situation. I also happened to have met a rather troubled woman online. I don't think email and chatting can provide the attention some people require but it's worth a try. And internet counselling is getting more popular so I might add it to my resume!
As you may know, many cutters suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. People with this disorder are often considerde difficult (to treat or simplu to interact with). This makes sense as characteristics of the disorder include instability in mood, relationships and self-image. a fear of abandonment and impulsive behavior. Borderline Prsonality Diorder can look similar to Bipolar Disorder and the term "borderline" originally described the border between neurotic and psychotic disorders. So, your support is important but I can understand if it can seem like too much.

Louisa, welcome to our little place. You have already recieved a lot of good advice so I am going to just voice my concern. I am worried by the fact that her conversations with you bring up a desire in you to hurt yourself, too. I am also concerned with how she is trying to control you by saying you are the only one she can go to. This isn't a good situation for you to be in. I have this feeling in my gut that makes me want to say to you that you should back away from the relationship for your own wellbeing. But I know it isn't that easy sense it is obvious how much you do care about her. I think it is important that you develop some bounderies. If her talking about SI creates that desire in you, it is important to tell her you can't talk about it anymore but you are still willing to talk about the underlying feelings. Tell her about this place. Let her know that we have all gone through this. We won't know who she is, or where she is so she is safe talking about it here. If she refuses to seek other support that is her choice. She is choosing to stay sick and she is choosing to try to keep you in the middle of it. That isn't your fault and there is nothing you can do if she decides to not get better. You, however, can choose to place your own wellbeing first. If you keep yourself as well as possible you will be more help to her.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

I agree with Carrie. I think you should back off from talking about the si and continue to encourage her to get her needs met from others (at this site, therapist, pdoc,...). I too am worried about you. Make sure and keep yourself safe in this relationship. And just to reiterate what others have said, it is her choice. She is in control of herself and her decisions. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER!