self-harm and why?

okay so, maybe almost two months ago I took some pills. I knew it wasn't enough to kill me but in a moment of pure impulsiveness I took them anyway. I must of took them around eight o' clock that night and at first I was convinced they were placebos. But by ten o' clock I couldn't ignore the fact that I had chest pains, a headache, and was naesuea/sick to my stomach. I tried to ignore it, but eventually almost an hour later I was throwing up everything in my stomach.

I couldn't sleep for 12 hours straight. I was ****ing wired. I was having full body tremors and convulsions from my muscles cramping and tensing up, my teeth wouldn't stop chattering, I was jittery and having cold and hot flashes, and probably had a mild fever too. BY nine o' clock the next morning I was finally able to get in about two and a half hours of sleep before I was up again. The tremors had been reduced to just my hands and my muscles would tense up sporadically but with space in between. If I focused I could stop my teeth from chattering and my only hard to hide symptoms were my wobbly legs and dilated pupils (which stayed that way for almost 3 days).

All that happened to me because I had some leftover pills that I had stopped taking after one month and a half. (I know you are supposed to take it for longer to actually see results, but I was getting the medication through my school and I was graduating in less then a month and knew I wouldn't be able to stay on it since I would no longer be able to afford it outside of my school's funding for it).

All I keep thinking about is if I had more pills, I'd do it again.

WHen I was going through all of those symptoms I somehow felt content. I felt like --finally-- my outside is finally reflecting the way I feel on the inside. And I want to feel that way again. My wanting/taking the pills is more of a form of parasuicide than actual suicidal tendencies, but at the same time that's only because I don't think I could actively try and kill myself without the guilt of how it would effect my mom killing me first.

Hi kismetie, sorry you're feeling as bad as the overdose symptoms you describe.
Just a thought, if you acted again on that impulse, you could be unlucky and actually die. You say you worry about how it would affect your Mom ..........


I'm not judging you at all I hope you can stay safe. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.