This is a very strange thing that I am experiencing. Recently, I have become far less depressed. In fact, I feel as though my mood has improved greatly. At times, it seems like it could have the potential to be even better than before I became seriously depressed in the first place. However, from time to time, and sometimes seemingly out of nowhere self harm urges will pop into my mind. Luckily, I've been able to avoid enacting them. However, they have sometimes been worryingly strong and it's worrying that I could still be capable of acting on them. Do they ever fully go away? Sometimes, it seems like long stretches of time can pass without them coming up. However, they came up again a few days ago for little to no reason. I was feeling fine, happy even, and then I just randomly had an impulse to injure myself that recurred over a couple days. Is this just something that tends to keep resurfacing in one's mind, even years after they did it? Is there anything that you can do that prevents the urges from cropping up in the first place?

[splitimage]

It's been my experience that SI urges do reappear sometimes out of nowhere, after you've stopped. I haven't SI'd in 4.5 years, yet I sometimes get urges to. But I just notice the thought, go that's interesting, I wonder what's making me want to si now? I can usually find an underlying emotion that's making me uncomfortable for whatever reason. But as time goes on, it definitely gets easier to ignore the urge.

splitimage

[i dont matter]

Short answer. Yes. IMO - when you breathe some life back into the word 'hope'.

[ScarletPimpernel]

For me, the only thing that reduced the thoughts was Latuda. I suffered from daily SI and SUI thoughts for 20 years, until 7 months ago my Pdoc put me on Latuda. The only time I have thoughts and/or urges now is when I'm distressed.

[LonesomeTonight]

I did SH a bit between 18 and 20, due to depression. The urges basically went away after that, only to resurface about 6 months ago, which was about 18 years later. In my case, they just appeared in a couple of major depressive episodes (though they've been lingering a bit lately). I think the issue is that once your brain sees that as a sort of release (or self-punishment or both), it's easier to go there again. My T has been talking about finding alternatives if I'm in an emotional place where those thoughts are likely to come back. Like do something such as talking to someone, writing up what I'm feeling, etc., in an attempt to keep myself from feeling the urges.

[WibblyWobbly]

Mine went away 100% for about 10 years. I couldn't even imagine what I had felt like when I SI'd. Then, the urges came back during a major depressive episode. It seems like they've been easier to handle this time around.

[Nammu]

Mine seemed to be directly related to AD. Once I stopped taking it things got better haven't self harmed in decades. But since it seems to be related to the meds I don't know if it counts. Sure wish I could make the scars disappear with the urges.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

Mine seemed to be directly related to AD. Once I stopped taking it things got better haven't self harmed in decades. But since it seems to be related to the meds I don't know if it counts. Sure wish I could make the scars disappear with the urges.

Out of curiosity, what meds were you on when you had the urges? Since mine came back when I went on Effexor, then continued with Cymbalta then Wellbutrin. Still occasionally have them now that I'm on just Zoloft, but I didn't have them when I was on Zoloft or any other SSRI in the past. It's like the Effexor triggered the thoughts, though I didn't actually act on them recently until when on Cymbalta.

[Nammu]

Any of the antidepressants. Found out years later I'm actually bipolar II so the ADs were putting me in a mixed or manic episode that made me feel like a pressure cooker and self harm was the relief valve. I have been on most all of the ADs that there were up to about 2000, after that I refused to take any even with other meds. On AD AP mixes I did better but without any AD and just mood stabilizers and APs I do very well.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

Any of the antidepressants. Found out years later I'm actually bipolar II so the ADs were putting me in a mixed or manic episode that made me feel like a pressure cooker and self harm was the relief valve. I have been on most all of the ADs that there were up to about 2000, after that I refused to take any even with other meds. On AD AP mixes I did better but without any AD and just mood stabilizers and APs I do very well.

Can I ask how it was determined that you were bipolar II? Because I feel like I was having a mixed episode for a bit while on Cymbalta/Wellbutrin and Zoloft/Wellbutrin. Reading some of the stuff about hypomania seems like it could apply to me--particularly stuff with racing thoughts, sleeping difficulty, etc. I do have generalized anxiety and panic disorder, plus am/was in a major depressive episode. But what I was feeling when on Wellbutrin just felt like something else entirely. Like I was simultaneously horribly anxious and horribly depressed.

I also had issues with agitation in the past on higher doses of Zoloft (like 150 mg--I'm on 100 mg now). And was extremely anxious when I tried Prozac briefly.

(I know this is a bit off-topic, but just wondering...)

[Nammu]

To be honest I'm not sure. They've been telling me for years that I was bipolar but I was convinced that I wasn't. I'd had great times of hyper mania but really terrible depressions. Then after a while Drs started saying I was bipolar two and that was easier to accept and I seemed to fit better. It's not really straight forward in my case because I had cptsd and until that was under control it was hard to separate out the differences. I think the main thing was my reaction to ADs. I'd talk to the doctors in your case and tell them your concerns, it can't hurt and might help.

[Mike_J]

Over 4 years sense I cut last, still have urges but not as often or as bad as before...

[Georgia Bridge]

My urges to self injure reared their ugly heads after a long period of remission... hmmm...in about... midway through 2014.
By most people's (i'm guessing) opinions those self-injuries would be considered somewhat severe, which was and still is a total joke to me.
They knew I had done it only because they could see them... I don't talk about them unless people ask or if someone wants to hospitilize me ( except in virtual war zone... ...).
Then in the fall of 2014 the urge ( that time it became a decision to do so ) resulted in minor scratches.
As I said, this deire had been in remission for quite some time... years.
(Should I be using trigger mode for a thread like this? I guess I'll just use the icon ).
I self injure when I am furious and feel helpless, knowing that I cannot change the situations that I react to in this manner.

TODAY!!!
I thought I had gotten over that urge.
I'm not depressed; I don't even feel powerless at all.
But I already have my plan all laid out.
It is NOT suicidal at all. I made a promise to God in Jesus's name back in late summer of 2013 that I would never try suicide again. Some time later God took away the very desire of mine to even try to kill myself. Well, in the last few days He has allowed that desire to come back; He takes it away quickly though; they've been just passing thoughts.
TODAY, however, I've had the self-injury tattoos designed for 3 hrs. now.
This time ( it's getting colder here pretty fast), they will not be visible to anyone but me until after they are completely healed.
The most painful part of it is that many of my mental health care workers have seen these parts of my body many times and they know I self-injure and , statiscally speaking, they won't even notice them though the plan is that they will be quite visible.The new ones will be even more visible healed than the ones some of them watched heal from the time I created them.
To me, it is lack of compassion itself. I am so angry!
I know quite a few people who have noticed them and been compassionate towards these "moods".
None of these concerned people are mental health workers.
That , to me, is just downright sad. These are the only people I know that I get angry at enough to behave in this manner.
Hugs and kisses that I texted just now are extremely sarcastic, by the way. I hate that phrase.LGO.

[coldwut]

My urges come and go. Whenever I get urges, I try to do something else like watch a cartoon or funny show, or go for a walk, or eat something. That doesn't always work out, but it's worth a shot most of the time.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

To be honest I'm not sure. They've been telling me for years that I was bipolar but I was convinced that I wasn't. I'd had great times of hyper mania but really terrible depressions. Then after a while Drs started saying I was bipolar two and that was easier to accept and I seemed to fit better. It's not really straight forward in my case because I had cptsd and until that was under control it was hard to separate out the differences. I think the main thing was my reaction to ADs. I'd talk to the doctors in your case and tell them your concerns, it can't hurt and might help.

Thanks! I have a followup with my p-doc tomorrow, so I'll mention it to her. I've mentioned it to T before, but she seems unsure. Could also mention it to marriage counselor, since he often seems to get me better than T and is fine with addressing some of my individual stuff in joint sessions, as is my H. (I was actually all prepared to talk about it in there a few months ago after some SH, but then MC had to cancel.)

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Thanks! I have a followup with my p-doc tomorrow, so I'll mention it to her. I've mentioned it to T before, but she seems unsure. Could also mention it to marriage counselor, since he often seems to get me better than T and is fine with addressing some of my individual stuff in joint sessions, as is my H. (I was actually all prepared to talk about it in there a few months ago after some SH, but then MC had to cancel.)

Just to update, my p-doc seemed uncertain, but she said I only tell her select things (only see her like every 3 weeks for 25 minutes), so it could just be stuff I didn't think to mention or didn't think was important (I feel like I just tell her the low lights). She suggested I try keeping a journal or using this iPhone app called DBSA Wellness Tracker, where I can track moods, etc., then it will give me reports about them. So I'm going to try that and give her a copy of the report when I see her next--and also share with my T.

[WibblyWobbly]

**Trigger Warning**

I tried to end it twice while on Effexor, and Wellbutrin put me into a horrible mixed episode. I'm doing well now on a high dose of Cymbalta with a mood stabilizer and antipsychotic to level me out.

[Stormyclouds]

Don't think they go away. I used to SI years n years ago...when I had an emotional breakdown recently...only thing I could do was cut! I did and can't stop now.
So if u experience the same feelings when u SIed before n u find urself in same situation again..u ll be tempted to deal with them the same way.

[Stormyclouds]

Georgia I agree with u. I had a different situation I was at the hospital and nurse asked me standard questions..like r u in abusive relationship or something similar...I burst out crying and said no !!!! She continued with the next question.
I wish she had offered me some help
I wish she had refered me to talk to someone.
I had no one to talk to...didn't know what to do.
Years later ,Another health care professional...was kind enough to introduce me to counseling...which has been a great help.

[Running-on-Rainbows]

I have urges still, but I haven't self-harmed since February. The urges will hopefully go away. I think finding a better way to cope could help.

[i dont matter]

I assume your question "do self harm urges ever go away" refers to us being on this side of dirt.......

:/

Yes, I was meaning non suicidal acts of self harm. However, if you are experiencing suicidal urges, I strongly encourage you to reconsider this idea. I have been there before, unfortunately. I have to say that after coming out alive on the other side of it, life has a purpose no matter how miserable it seems at the moment. I used to be filled with feelings of hopelessness, and I also had auditory hallucinations that occurred all day long. I was extremely depressed to a degree that was unbearable, as a result of my circumstances and what was happening to me. However, eventually as time went on, I began to realize that I was valuable as a person no matter what. I began to realize that no matter how bad things got or how I was not what I wanted to be, I had value. You have value too, no matter what your situation is. You are not "useless". You are here, and that is an indication that the divine source (whatever it is, whether it is God or simply chance) wants you to be here. Therefore, you ARE SERVING A PURPOSE. You are here for a reason. Since you are going through whatever "hopeless" circumstances you are going through, you ultimately have a purpose that is of exceptional value. Life is testing you, and it is your destiny to do something that has some type of important meaning. It's important to understand that those who do something of important meaning are not necessarily seen as "important" people by the majority of people. In fact, often times those that have the greatest impact on the world are those that are never well known and are never known as doing a specific "thing".