All I wanted to be.......

Woke up in ICU this morning, my husband was there, asked me why I didn't I tell him about what the oncologist said don't he have the right to know? I told him that I'm tired to hear that I'm grazy, I don't think straight, I'm negative, I'm ungrateful, I'm busy destroying everybody around me and it seems I don't care! So would it have made any difference if they knew the cancer is back, no, because the above will stay the same!

My parents came in to see me while my husband was there and I told them that I don't know how to be enough for them anymore and if they want to think I did it again because I'm seeking attention, they are so wrong what do they want me to read into everything they say to me! What went through my mind is to stop myself from destroying the people I love, so that they can be happy and go on with their lives.

I asked them to leave because I don't want to hear how a bad person I am anymore, I already know it by now! My heart almost stopped, my husband gave me a hug and told me that he will not give up on me he knows his Sunshine is still there, somewhere....

I could not talk the tears was pouring down my face, I wanted to tell him, my love that's all I want to be is your Sunshine

((((((hugs))))

it's certainly not too late- keep posting here if it helps

(((((((((( hugs )))))))))))

oh honey. I'm so sorry. It's hard for someone to understand who has never struggled with these feelings. hang in there. bug hugs

I am unsure what it is that you did again?
You didn't put the cancer there and I know it is a terrible thing to have.
Your husband does have a right to know as he is there for you 24x7. Maybe you didn't know how to tell him. I get it. He however needs to know as it is part of your lives whether you want it or not.
Stay strong! Get the best treatment you can. Trust in your providers.
Hugs.

I am sorry you are going through so much right now I will keep you in my thoughts

Thank you for all the hugs and messages

I'm still in hospital waiting to be discharged from here I'm going to be admitted to the psychiatric hospital for 21 days, my psychiatrist said he doesn't want me to have contact with the outside world for the first week! I don't want to go but according to him and as he told my husband, I'm a danger to myself and his afraid that I will do harm to them as well, that hurts!!!!

I can't explain how I feel, I know my people will at least have a break from all of 'this/me' for 21 days. I know I feel sorry for myself and I only have myself to blame....
I don't know how to pick up the pieces anymore, I often ask myself is it really possible that one person can be so messed up and have so much drama in her life?

Goodbye for now my dear PC friends, I wish you well