[Lothlorien]

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum and hoping to make some friends and lend some support when I can. I need some support too. I'll introduce myself first.

I'm 45 and have had MDD most of my life. I do okay for the most part but I'm in a really painful time right now. I've had 4 periods of time in my life when I've SI'ed: I started when I was 7. I stopped for a long time. I had SI'd for a time in my 20's and then in my 30's and now at 45 it's here again! I'm a separated parent with one wonderful child who is 10.
I'm a travel agent. I have no family of my own as I left home at 19 (because of abuse) and never looked back.

I've been cutting and striking myself for about 2 weeks now. It's getting really hard to hide it from my co-workers and my son as the injury site is always my left arm.

What is really getting at me right now is how hard it is to share this information with my counselor. I want someone to understand how bad I hurt and acknowledge my pain but I'm scared. I apprehensively told my Psychiatrist about my SI this morning but as I predicted he really didn't really show much interest. That so pissed me off. It's not that I need to spend a bunch of time covering the topic with him, but it seems as though he (and some other professionals I've dealt with over the years) had little interest in this part of my life.

Right now I would just prefer to talk with others who SI. SI helps me get through the day and I don't want to stop at this point. I feel so alone on this one issue, I just want to know I have someone who cares. For me talking about SI doesn't make me want to SI. I'll quit when I'm ready.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a pity fest but I have no hope at the moment for a better life.

[selfy]

hello... ((((((((((lothlorien)))))))))))
tis not nice to cut. i do too. i try to stop, i used to not go one day without it, but in the 3 yrs i have been doing it i havent gone longer than a week.
after s while it gets too much and i just do it again, and, lots worse. i dont want to quit i am not ready.
i want to quit for my family and friends, but i know deep down i cant do it till i am strong enough to look at it at a distance and block out the thoughts.
tc
self

[Direction]

Glad you were able to post...my T and pdoc don't generally talk much about my SI...it's kind glossed over...

Well welcome to PC!

[Lothlorien]

Hi selfy, nice to meet you.

I understand about not wanting to quit because at this point I don't want either. But I know it's not healthy and I will stop in my own time, I'll bet you will too.

Please be careful dear, I'll send good thoughts your way. *hugs*

Lothlorien

[Lothlorien]

Thanks for the welcome. I hope you are well. *hugs*

[Christina86]

(((((((((((Lothlorien))))))))))))))

Welcome to PC. You've found a good group of people who are always willing to listen and help if we can!

Post as much or as little as you want, we'll help you if we can.

[asylumgardens]

Welcome, lothlorien.

I am very scared to tell any doctors about SI, too. I don't know how they would react.. I'm more scared of a drastic reaction and would probably prefer one where they just barely acknowledged it, actually. I hope you can get through it.. maybe your stage will pass again, and this time pass forever.

[Lothlorien]

Thanks AG.

I don't know why IS is so hard to talk about. I've spilled my life in detail, there's nothing I can't talk about in therapy but SI. I guess I'm not ready.

It's nice to meet you, I hope we can talk more.

[asylumgardens]

Well I have spent time in inpatient treatment, and I'm worried that if they knew about that, they would want to put me back.. or if somehow that was seen as a threat to myself and therefore I would lose the confidentiality aspect of it all (since I know being suicidal makes you lose confidentiality, but what if they mistaken SI for suicidal tendencies?) I don't know how it all works out.. plus I don't really have any doctor I trust currently, but hopefully when I get one I will get the courage to tell. I hope you get the courage to do what you need to do as well.

[Lothlorien]

My T and pdoc have suggested I go for inpatient. I'm afraid that if I go my ex-husband may use that against me at some point to take away my son.

The system just falls short in so many ways. I want help but I fear that once the wheels are in motion it will work against me. I understand where you're coming from.

I wish you luck finding a good doc.

I hope we talk again. *hugs*

[asylumgardens]

I'm not sure how going to a hospital can make you get your son taken away, hmm. In reality inpatient is no different from staying in the medical ward because of a broken bone or something.. you are just staying there to get healthy. But I guess he might argue you are mentally unfit? I don't know.. I wish there was a way you could get the treatment you need without it affecting you like that.

[Fuzzybear]

I just want to welcome you
(sorry I don't have many words at the moment...)

[bipolar_bear]

Welcome to PC. Some t and pdocs don't really know how to deal with SI very well. Maybe you can explain to your t how you feel when it appears they are not giving it the atttention it deserves. Just a thought.

BB

[Christine329]

Hi there. Congrats on your effort to get support and talk about it. You will find this forum to be EXTREMLY helpful and never judgemental. We are here bc we SI and need to relate with others. Post any time and youwill find the support you need. Stay safe. As for therapy my therapist does talk with me about my SI but he also doesnt say its bad, stop, dont do it. Him and I are trying together to find other ways to get the feeling i get from SI so I can replace it and once again wear shorts in hot weather as my site is my legs!! I wish you the very best and there are therapists who are willing to help and discuss SI, maybe think about finding one to better suit all your needs.
Take Care.

[Lothlorien]

**hugs everyone** Thank you so much for your kind replies. I've been a bit limited on the number of posts I'm allowed as a newbie which doesn't let me respond as often as I'd like. You've all been great and I appriciate each of you.

Weekends are a difficult time for me as I have too much time to think. During the week, work keeps me busier. I'm ok for now though. I'm just getting through a med change and trying to focus on living outside of the dark little box that is my mind. (I'm also trying to maintain some sense of humor. Is it working?)

I still think about cutting and bruising myself to get away from my lonliness and sad feelings. I haven't SI'ed in 2 days and I feel it building. At least I am able to keep the wounding under control, nothing too big. I still don't want to quit. I'm like a smoker who's gone from two packs a day to 1 pack every two days. Better but not quite there yet.

I'm just babbeling on a bit to vent some of this. I know someone may read this and that helps. I feel compasion for you all even though I don't know you and would be happy to to lend you support when you need it. PM me if you like.

Forever in,
Lothlorien

[Rapunzel]

Lothlorien, I'm glad you're here too. It sounds like you are on the right track. Remember that in order to eliminate a problem behavior, you have to replace it with something better. It's great that you are reducing it. When you don't want to quit, that means that the behavior is still serving some purpose for you. If you can understand what that purpose is, and find a more constructive way to accomplish it, then that might help. It takes a while too. It's quite a jump to try to live outside of the dark box (I think of a swamp and for the longest time I knew I wasn't still in the middle of the swamp, but I kind-of poked my way around the edges, not caring if I got sucked back in. Sometimes I do get sucked in still, and I might not even notice it until I find my way out and go "whoa, what was that all about?"

Just keep trying, and we'll be happy to toss you a rope when you need one.

Rap

[Lothlorien]

Thanks Rap. I like the swamp analogy. It is easier to climb out if you're on the edge. I guess that's where I'm at at the moment. Thanks for the encouragement. *hugs*

Be well.

[selfy]

u r doing well,,, keep going. u r doing better than me. oh crap i just remembered i have to go out with mom for dinner sometime soon...
.
.
reading that, oh my goodness i just realised how much of a problem i have,, i think i cut to control myself... but i am not controlling it am i? its controlling me...
damn it is as bad as being addicted to drugs.
well, now do u wanna stay like me? keep goin hun u are doing great
wishing u well
self

[Lothlorien]

*hugs selfy*

I think your holdin' it together too, no?

SI is a drug, and I am probably more like you than you think

Peace to you