[adam_k]

I cut myself again. It had been like 9 months. Not that I haven't thought about it nearly daily in those months. Life has gotten more difficult. I have a lot of shame about self harming. I don't exactly fit the mold, but in my life it's the only thing I found to cope when I feel like everything is falling apart.

Work has been going badly. There have been some mistakes on my projects, costly ones. I'm a mechanical engineer and the stereotype is that we are smart and don't make mistakes. I am really hard on myself. Its not just work, my depression has been getting worse for the last six months. I've had good days but the average day I feel down and blue, the other ones I am just trying to cope through the day and hoping that everyone I interact with doesn't realize how much I would just rather crawl into a hole and get away from everything.

So a couple weeks ago I cut. I had a hard day, and part me me just didn't want to stop myself. They maybe 3 or four times since then. I think about it at least once a day or most often much more. I shouldn't do it and I think when/or if my spouse discoveries it, then it will cause her a lot of stress.

I also found out a few weeks ago she is pregnant with our second child.

I don't know what advice im looking for. I should stop but part of me just doesn't want to. There is something comforting about it, in a very dark way. I haven't found that anywhere else. I guess it is the emotional release from the act.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

I am really hard on myself. - Can you speak to someone about this?

[Demunie]

Hi adam,

Congrats on your second child

I don't really have advice for you... Just wanted to let you know that i struggle with the same atm. You're not alone. Don't be too hard on yourself. People make mistakes, i guess

Take care

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

I am really hard on myself. - Can you speak to someone about this?

I have a personal mantra of that I'm not good enough. When I make mistakes I get overly angry at myself. It usually decimates my mood. I also hold myself to impossible standards.

[ilikecats]

Could it be possible your cutting started again because you found out you're having another kid? I'm sure that would be stressful, even if it's happy at the same time. Do you have a T you can talk to? And even though it would make your wife stressed, talking to her may help you too.

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[adam_k]

Originally Posted by ilikecats

Could it be possible your cutting started again because you found out you're having another kid? I'm sure that would be stressful, even if it's happy at the same time. Do you have a T you can talk to? And even though it would make your wife stressed, talking to her may help you too.

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It's not just the news of the baby but a conglomeration of everything that is going on and not doing how to cope with it.

I talk to my therapist. She is helpful sometimes but it's not like I can call her anytime to help me deal with stuff.

I give my wife the broad strokes. I've been going thru a depressed episode since November. She doesn't do very well in supporting me emotionally. She gets really depressed when I put a lot on her so I tell enough to keep her aware of how I'm doing but not what goes thru my head everyday.

[seesaw]

Adam, they say that relapse is part of recovery. Maybe just take this in stride and learn from it and resolve to do better next time. Maybe you don't need to be so hard on yourself. You did 9 months, you can make it that long again and go further. It was just a slip up. You'll be okay.

Don't focus so much on the SH, as on the problem that precipitated it. Maybe you need to see a T or pdoc and get some help for the problems that are causing you to want to SH so you can get through a whole year and beyond.

Good luck.

Seesaw

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Adam, they say that relapse is part of recovery. Maybe just take this in stride and learn from it and resolve to do better next time. Maybe you don't need to be so hard on yourself. You did 9 months, you can make it that long again and go further. It was just a slip up. You'll be okay.

Don't focus so much on the SH, as on the problem that precipitated it. Maybe you need to see a T or pdoc and get some help for the problems that are causing you to want to SH so you can get through a whole year and beyond.

Good luck.

Seesaw

I've seen a therapist for three years. Along with a psychiatrist. The therapy helps but the meds I have not had much luck with. I think I've tried ten different one. Anymore I'm losing faith in them.