TRIGGER - CUTTING

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the darkness comforts
and hides the pain
the candles' light
illuminates my shame
i cut my flesh
i see blood flow
my sins exposed
for all to know
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i'm cutting now...cutting my arm

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two wounds i make
for you and me
i carve them close
so that you'll see
i've not forgotten
you're on my mind
the baby me
i'll one day find
though you're lost
i know you're there
two lines i draw
because i care
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i'm tired of life
i'm not suicidal - i promise
but life just tends to suck
when i was kid i use to mark time by school year
i always used to think at the end of each year that the next would be better
the next would be better
the next would be better
the next would be better
they never were
when i was 19 i OD and was hospitalized
i would have never guessed that at 32 i would be hospitalized again
same hospital, same halls, same windows
how did that happen
for years after my first hospitalization i used to past by that hospital and see that skinny little window that looked out onto the world
i remembered standing on the inside looking out
i would pass by and i would notice
i would notice like you notice a cemetary you drive by
someplace in your soul you notice and mourn the dead
i mourned me
the girl i'd lost
never would i have imagined so many years later i would be at that window once again on the inside looking out
now when i pass will i mourn the woman i lost
my success, my accomplishments - though few
seem worth nothing having stood at that window
tomorrow i tell my boss i'm going on disability
i can't believe this is my reality
so now i wonder when will i go back again
is it now inevitable
will i one day be the woman who wanders aimlessly
hair all awry and a wild look in her eye
talking to herself in a world of her own
why bother then - why bother to make a life for myself
if i'm just going to end up back looking out from that same small window

if i had any emotion left to give, you would have it..

((((((gostryter))))))

<font color="#000088">I completely understand how you feel, I look at the Mental Hospital whenever I ever go by it, just wondering how long it will be before I end up back in there again. I'm right about your age, I just turned 34 at the beginning of July, and the first time I was in that hospital, I was 20 years old. I spent my 21st birthday in that place. I've been there 3 times since then. But I've been hospitalized in regular hospital Psych Wards more times than I can even remember. So I can see what you mean about those little windows. It's like a constant reminder of your past, and always wondering when it's going to suck you in again!
I'm so sorry you're in so much pain, and hurting inside so bad that you need to cut so much. I can definately relate to that feeling. I just try to fight it the best I can, because I really don't want to go back to the other side of those windows. Maybe if you really focus on how much you don't want to go back there, it might help you keep from cutting as much, just a thought. And I'll keep you in my thoughts as well, always!
((((((((((gostryter))))))))))
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(((((((((((((((gabriel & justice)))))))))))))))))))))

isn't it just so sad