[gostryter]

awe crap folks...i'm scaring myself!!!

i placed a profile on an adult site...a local guy responded...he asked for my number but i said i was looking for online only and that i wasn't sure how far i'd want to take things. he replied back why don't we just get together and see what happens. his profile says he's 6'2'' and i'm 5'1''! let's see where things go...where ever he'd want to take them!

i know this is a really, really, really bad idea and it's NOT something i'd want to do....i'm not going to follow up with him tonight!! but why am i doing this to myself....

i want to have sex with some stranger because i don't want to have sex!!!! i want to use this to hurt myself ....i don't know what has happened to me in the past month!!!! i've fallen apart

i am a virgin....just throwing that away...maybe even violently...is horrific....but i'm beginning to hate myself that much...bit by bit a little more each day....and the idea is becoming more and more appealing

i don't know who i am any more! this isn't me!!

i'm falling down into an abyss. i'm being fired. i have to consult w/ an attorney because people are telling me i'm being wrongfully terminated. i'm not going to have insurance or income. my T wants me back in the hospital for SI-ing (i think it's stupid - nobody cared when i ate like a hog and gained 150 pounds - but cut a couple times and i need to be committed! i'm more likely to die of a heart attack than a teeny cut!)

everything is stupid and *** backwards!!! everything is messed up!! it's all messed up!!! it wasn't messed up just a few months ago! how did this happen!!!!!!! why is it happening!!!!!!!!

i don't understand any of it...make it all go away...somebody make it go away!!!!

<font color="#000088">I'm telling you this is really a bad idea. But you are a grown adult, and it's your own decision to make. But if you already set up your profile, made contact, and even set up a meet with this guy for tonight. I really hope you don't go to meet up with this stranger. I know you feel like your life is falling apart, but if you think it's bad now. Wait until after you meet this guy then you'll really be sorry you did this, and it'll make your life feel even worse. It'll even make you feel worse about yourself as a person. This guy will be able to smell the fear in you, and see it in your eye's, and if you don't think he'll be able to notice that you're a virgin, you're wrong. These kindof guys aren't the kind that will stop, if you say stop, just because it hurts. He will see you for who you seem to be to him, and use that to get what he wants out of you, even if it hurts you in the process, because he doesn't really care about you, he just wants a peace of ***. And he'll do whatever it takes to get it. He could drop a rufee in your drink, anything. Seriously, this is probably the most dangerous and risky thing you could do. If you care even a little bit about your life at all, please don't show up to meet that stranger from that adult website! I CARE! </font>

please ... sweetie... don't do this.... we all care...

[gostryter]

(((((((((((justice & freewill))))))))))))))

justice sent me a very caring pm about this...i replied to her but i thought i might include some of that here...

we haven't set anything up but he sent me his phone number. i'm not going to call tonight. i promise.

there's this split in me...on the one hand, i'm completely terrified to do something like that! i know i would be in completely over my head!! and i'd be scared and he'd know!! logically i know this!!!

but there's the other side of me that hates me so much!!! i want to do something that would devistate me!! and that would!!!!

i am scared!! i'm scared that i'll lose that fear that is keeping me home tonight. i'm scared that one night i'll stop caring completely and i'll call him.

it hurts me that i would even consider it. it hurts me that i put a profile on that site. it hurts me that i posted on its message boards. it hurts me that a man has contacted me wanting to have sex with me! i'm very sad and scared!

i know the simple reasonable answer is not go to the site, not answer a request...but it's like cutting...there's that evil urge to hurt

please forgive me for asking, but i may need to rely on you all to be my voice of reason!!!

because the only voice i'm hearing these days is the one telling me i'm worthless.

My "voice of reason" is here... and telling you DO NOT DO IT..... that is very loud, and very clear.. and for you..

Please Don't Do This.

I want you to know this is very dangerous. My cousin met a guy online. They eventually met and decided to move in togeather. (I know you are not near this point) Well she was not even there for a week when the FBI was surrounding the house. He is know in prison for child pronograpy, and attempted murder. My cousin could have been killed. I do not want this to happen to you. You don't know what this guy is really like, what type of diseases he has, what he really is up to. You may want to use it to hurt yourself but you could end up far worse off.

[Irine]

wow i am so sorry you feel like that,
see if you want like you said - all this to go away one day-there is no better moment than the NOW ,dear.
and you know you DON`T like it like it is. and you KNOW that if you do it with the guys eveything will be worse!

are you sure you want more pain than you already HAVE?

please don`t judge yourself for your deed...whatever it is.
it has NO REAL MEANING.

i hope you get yourself more professional help. you know that on this site you are not going to get ALL the help you need.
(((((( gostryter)))))) everything will be o.k
try to believe in a better tomorow

<font color="#000088">You see how many people here care about you? That shows that you are NOT worthless! You heard what one of the others said about a guy that came from an online website. What if that guy you got the phone number from was wanted for worse, or even just had intentions of commiting worse crimes agains't you. You already are having such a rough time, and hurting. This kindof stuff will make things so much worse. And you really don't want that! Not the kindof things that go with that territory,of meeting up with strange men from adult websites.
Your life is worth a lot more than that, and so are you! I understand the craving to do something evil and destructive, but this way is not the way to go, it's way too risky. You don't want to risk the STD's, the possible violent nature of these men, and the risk of being raped,or even killed.
You can find another way to cope with your pain, without all that risk involved, and you really do need to talk to your T about getting more help. I would rather have an outstanding hospital bill from getting the help you need, than end up dead.
Think about it.....is it really worth risking your life, just because you don't have insurance, if you really need the help!
We care, and don't want to see anything happen to you, but you really need to get help, before it's too late.((((((((((gostryter)))))))))) Please get the help you need! </font>

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((( gostryter )))))))))))

I agree with the others, best notto go tonight,

[Fuzzybear]

Most hospitals will write off your bills if you have little or no income. Do not be afraid to get help because of bills. I recently had a 10,000 dollar bill written off by the hospital. You just have to call and ask for finacial aid. If you run into road blocks for treatment PM me. I have become an expert at getting around road blocks!

[Irine]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Justice said:
<font color="#000088">You heard what one of the others said about a guy that came from an online website. What if that guy you got the phone number from was wanted for worse, or even just had intentions of commiting worse crimes agains't you. You already are having such a rough time, and hurting. This kindof stuff will make things so much worse. And you really don't want that! Not the kindof things that go with that territory,of meeting up with strange men from adult websites.
Your life is worth a lot more than that, and so are you! I understand the craving to do something evil and destructive, but this way is not the way to go, it's way too risky. You don't want to risk the STD's, the possible violent nature of these men, and the risk of being raped,or even killed.
You can find another way to cope with your pain, without all that risk involved, and you really do need to talk to your T about getting more help. I would rather have an outstanding hospital bill from getting the help you need, than end up dead.
</font>

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

this remids me..i know how it is, this masohcistic thing about sex.

i didn`t understand what was happening to me.
I HAD DAYS AND MOTHS OF REGRET.
it`s a trauma. it`s being abused.
it`s feeling totally helpless, thrown, even more scared. it`s having the illussion of physical pain days AFTER you were abuse. for that is what it is- abuse.
you thought of having pain-but things NEVER turn out the way we thingk the will!

and THIS kind of pain -even if you think you choose it at the begining-believe me-
YOU DON`T WANT THIS %#@&#!.

[gostryter]

<font color="purple"> yay!!! i deleted my profile on the adult site!!!!! no more reading the messages from men who don't understand how much i'm hurting and that i was not there for fun!!! i hope i can stay away!!!! i don't like thinking about the words i read and pictures i saw... makes me sad </font>

[dalila]

<font color="green">Yah good for you! </font>

[bipolar_bear]

Awesome gostryter.

BB

[Fuzzybear]

Good for you hon!!!

[gostryter]

why do i do the things i do....






i know...because it's easier than dealing with life...

when will it end...when did it start? why can i just go away...

<font color="#000088">Deleting that Profile was taking One BIG step towards doing better for YOU! And I'm really proud of you for doing that, and as I can see, so are the others! So you've already begun on the path of doing things the right way, that aren't going to harm you. You should really pat yourself on the back for having the strength to DELETE THAT PROFILE!! That shows that you do have some inner strength inside of you, that you can use when you need it the most! You just need to have the courage to allow it to come out more! I believe you can do it! I think you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for! You are a very sweet woman, and you can do more than you think you can, if you just believe in yourself more. I know that I believe in you, and that you can make things better if you really want it bad enough. And you have many others here to support you in the process of getting through this together! You're not alone!
Great work on what you did today! That took a lot!
Always remember you are worth it!
J</font>

[drummergrl]

Listen to the voice(s) of REASON gostryker...........you don't really want to do this, do you? Can't you see the potential of getting yourself into something you can't control? The worst part of it is HE could be HIV+, and you don't want that on your platter!!!! That's a death sentence you can't bargain
your way out of. Secondly, true, he could be a known pedaphile, and or child murderer......you don't know that!!!!
Do not go online and accept any kind of DATES, and certainly never give out your phone nos. or addys'. They could show up on you doorstep. Do you live at home? Are
you underage????

Think about the real damage this one could do. There's no turning back once you give him the green light. Better be safe, not sorry. STAY HOME AND A PURE AT HEART GIRL.
There's no shame in that!!!!!!!!!!