The urge and self loathing cycle

Since my T has been away a lot has happened in my personal life and I feel as though am under a tremendous amount of pressure. I suppose that part of this pressure is there because I have not had my conversations with T to slowly release some of the pain that has built up. So, the results are incredibly strong urges to SI. I have also been overeating. The cycle completes with a self-hatred for having these thoughts and a hatred of T for being away.

I think when I wake up I will go on the treadmill. I also noticed in another thread, that someone uses massage therapy as a physical release and that is an awesome idea--I can use the money I would have spent on T this week (of course insurance won't reimburse me for this one). I say it but I don't think I'll do it. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself.

I am stuck in my head with my thoughts.

massage... does work that way for me... it releases the negative energy... and then the urge to binge just goes away.. and I also have a sense of well being...

thats a great idea, sister.... i think you should do it.

Sister, That's a wonderful idea to use the time and money that would have gone to T towards a massage. My T suggests giving myself a little massage with lotion on the spot that I feel like SI. Unfortunately, I haven't done that, but she said it works for a lot of people, so maybe you could just try it yourself and see if it provides some relief.

oooooh good idea. I'll try it tonite.

Thanks Lemon

Sister

I am right there with you.

Unfortunately, even when my T is not on vacation I go way past the urge to SI and end up doing it. The last couple of weeks it has been almost nightly.

Now that he is away I am scared because I feel even less in control.

Let's both have a massage and keep safe.

Sister - how are you? I think your session would have been today, so I was wondering if you splurged on that massage or tried just giving yourself one at home? I hope you found something relaxing to do.

Hi,

My session would have been yesterday but I have a massage scheduled for Friday.

I had a really bad day yesterday...crashed with depression and all sorts of bad thoughts. Cried my eyes out and slept a ton the past few days. Luckily I had to work this eve so I am immersing myself in my work.

Thanks all. It's been really rough.

((((((((((((((( Sister )))))))))))))))