[VioletIcicles]

So I was out Friday night with people I know. And I was juts stilling there and sitting there and sitting there. I didn't speak to anyone really, just some stupid hi how you doing. My response was peachy. That's what I say when I'm doing really crappy. I know what I mean even if they don't. I use that response cause who really cares if I'm not doing well? It's just a polite question to ask an acquaintance when you see them. Ya really don't care if they are not ok. Alright well anyways, I'm sitting there and all that keeps running through my head is why am I here? No one cares. No one would care if I never showed up again. Not a single one of theses people care. How do I feel so alone in a room full of people that I have known for 3 years and plus? How sad and pathetic is that? Of course I just sat there. I started to sketch a little. Who sits in a bar and draws? Who sits there in a room full of people that you are supposed to be friends with and you have never felt so alone in your life? I would have left but getting up and moving just seemed to be too much of an effort. I'm rambling, I know. I'm sorry. I don't have anyone else to tell this to. I could tell my therapist tomorrow but... I dunno. I have been seeing her for a couple months now and we have never gotten into anything real when I was there just a bunch of stupid stuff that really doesn't matter. I am soooo lonely and I'm tired of it. I take everyone and hold them at arm's length. I just want someone to push their way past. I just want someone to see me. But they never do. No one ever notices me. I don't want to disappear... I don't need to want to cause I already have. So I went home and cut. I cut up my stomach. It made it better. It was the first time I have done that since January. I don't know how it made it better but it did. I hear people talk about how they have a rush afterwards or it's like this huge relief. But it has never been like that for me. I can't explain it but it helped. I don't want it to though. No matter how far I go I always end right back at the beginning dealing with the same crap over and over and over again. It's never ending. I'm just so tired of it. I wanna sleep.

((((((((Violet))))))))))
Can you talk to one of your friends? Can you ask them for help? They probably don't know what's wrong or how to approach you. They could be scared and think you don't want to be bothered or that you're mad and they don't want to create a conflict.
Give them a chance to see you, give them the chance to care because they really want to but you're not letting them.
They really do want to be there for you-let them. Open up the door and invite them in.

[VioletIcicles]

Thank you Pickle.

See the problem is I believe from the bottom of my heart that they do not care. It feels that way. And even if they did sorta care there is no one that I can talk to. They would not understand... No one I know is going through anything like this. Years ago it was known that I had "problems" because, well I was in a hospital.... and later it was thrown in my face. I can't deal with closed minded people. There is a stigma that goes along with mental illness and I don't want to deal with the sad looks again. And people scared to talk to me because they are afraid that i'll crack... :: I'm always so negative.

[sujunew]

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VioletIcicles said:
Who sits there in a room full of people that you are supposed to be friends with and you have never felt so alone in your life?
I take everyone and hold them at arm's length. I just want someone to push their way past. I just want someone to see me. But they never do. No one ever notices me. I don't want to disappear...
No matter how far I go I always end right back at the beginning dealing with the same crap over and over and over again. It's never ending. I'm just so tired of it. I wanna sleep.

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(((((violeticicles)))))
I never erver thought I would meet someone who knew just what I thought, felt and meant when it comes to this stuff. But here you are, and what you have written is exactly what I write about in my diary. I am alone. I know many ppl, but where I live now I have no close friends, no-one I can turn to to hug or ask for help of any sort, and that is because I don't let anyone near me. I want help and support; I just hold everyone at arms length (further actually!).
And when you say you are so tired, you just want to sleep. What I hear is that you are tired of all that you are dealing with, all that you face every day and you just want to sleep til it is all resolved. If that is right then that is what I have been trying to explain to all my t's and drs for the past 10 yrs or more, but no-one understands...
It is tough being surrounded by so many ppl and yet being so alone.
Please PM me to chat if you want, and take care,
xxxirish

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Violet )))))))))))))))

Maybe you need to find a new group of friends because these people seem like they're just a little too "normal" to beging to try and understand or appreciate what you're going through and right now, that is the LAST thing you need.