Wanting to self harm

I don't know why but I have a sense of uneasiness in myself. No guess I can pinpoint certain things that are bothering me. I can't fully discuss it with my T. I woke up this morning wanting to harm with borderline suicide. The only thing stopping me from doing so are my kids.
However the feeling of wanting to cut is so strong. I'm actually hating myself and life right now. It's not something I want to make known either. I almost want to suffer alone. I really don't have people who could hear me out anyway and truly care. I have nothing to prove by doing so. I'm just that upset with myself and its and act that I don't want others to know if I did it. My issue with that is that in afraid of that escalating even further. I don't want to bother my T with it. I've promised myself that I wouldn't contact her out of session.

Do not… please do not self harm! It will hurt and it will always hurt. I've been self harming for about a year now. I'm currently over 1 month clean. It is not a road you want to go down. You will feel pain. You cannot escape pain when you cut. This is the whole point of cutting.

Alternatives -
Say "I'll self harm in 15 minutes if I still want to" and keep going for periods of 15 minutes till the urge fades.
Complete something you've been putting off.
Search ridiculous things on the internet.
Watch YouTube.
Or TV/movie.
Go to the plark, play on the swings.
Carry safe rather than sharp things.
Cook.
Play a sport.
Doodle on sheets of paper.
Play a computer game or painting programs such as photoshop.
Learn to swear in another language
Hunt for things on Ebay or Amazon.
Have a nice long chat with someone.
Be kind to somebody.
Have a warm lush bubble bath!
etc...
The limit is your imagination!

I did reach out to my T but more as an FYI for our next session. I don't expect her to
Get back. I'll try those alternatives. Hoping to last until
My next session but the urge is so strong. I guess it's my sense of hate towards myself.

I'm glad you'll try those alternatives. You must learn that hating yourself is not an answer. What can you gain by hating yourself? You should check out How Can I Help Me Today? It's a great self help book and its only like 3 bucks. It is centered around infusing yourself with positivity and getting rid of negativity. It also gives you techniques that will help you get through this on your own. (Although ofc you don't have to be. ) While it's difficult to talk to someone else… you can always count on yourself.

I'll check that book out. I don't always get his way but when I do it's bad. I think it's like a build up. I need a better coping mechanism and I'm self destructive.