[Rosalie]

first post, here goes:

so i havent had to cut from stress lately since swimming is the perfect kind of fullbody pain. but then sometimes [this is going to sound crazy] i dont feel like im real. its hard to explain. its like the lines around objects are too sharp or too blurred and it doesnt feel like im really there/alive. like i dont exist. like nothing really exists and i have to slap my cheeks or hit myself to make sure i am here. its totally crazy, i know, but it feels really gross. like im in a movie or something. and i have the mentality that nothing matters since its not real life. it happens sometimes and i dont want to do anything because its not real. but then it just goes away.

i dont know, its really bizarre.
~rose

[Christina86]

It doesn't sound crazy to me...

I've had that happen, quite frequently actually. Mostly when I'm stressed or depressed or when I used to SI (which I've not done in a while now).

It's a form of dissociation I think... like derealization or depersonalization.

link to info on derealization and depersonalization

I'm no medical professional, but that's what it sounds like to me and it's how it was explained to me. Anyone you can talk to? Do you have a therapist?

[bipolar_bear]

Welcome to PC Rose. It does sound like some type of dissociation or depersonalization. Since it is bothering you maybe you can talk to someone with some expertise in the area?

BB

[Rosalie]

yea. i have my school counselor, family councelor, my personal therapist, or my psychiatrist. but im afraid if i tell them things they'll stick me in a hospital for another few months and i just cant do that. i just have to make it for another year until im 18 and then they cant put me in hospitals anymore. atleast its not just me, though, that feels like im in a movie.

[_Hope_]

kinda feels like the matrix, you know something feels wrong but you don't know what it is

Linda

[Rosalie]

no its weird
its like time just stops for a second and its not quite right. like in a dream where people arent where they're supposed to be or things are out of place. everyhting just doesnt look exactly like it should and it freaks me out. so sometimes i cut or burn or bang because it is proof im not asleep or fake. you dont usually feel physically pain in dreams

now the bigger problem is that im cutting again now that swim team is ending. club just isnt the same as the high school team. dont get me wrong, the workouts are hard, but its never going to be as hard as team. its 2.5 hrs per day instead of 4 or 5 and its just not the same.
with swim team i dont have to cut for pain since swimming hurts as much as you want. i can swim really hard, push my limits, and wreck my body which makes me go faster. faster times=happier/prouder coach. its like getting praise for SI.

im going to miss it
rose

[Irine]

i understand what yo umean. however. i think there is one somethign rel that could be done which will make things more clear...when they seam unreal....i thoguht of somehting now 4got. bu i also used to SI because of it. because i kinda like felt somewaht unreal.

talking out loud doesn`t help you feel more real?
(when you can) i undesrand that if it would you wouldn`t SI but sometimes we forget the more simple things...

remember that if you are hiding things fomr therapists, the work you are doing is nto as efficiant as it oculd be....i am not telling you to do anyhting i jsut thoguht that it`s still important to remember although i understand your choice.

[Rapunzel]

Hi Rose,

I have to agree with Canders and BB. What you described sounds like depersonalization and/or derealization, which are a form of dissociation. Since there is a name for it, that means that other people experience it too. And it can be treated. If you are managing life, and not a danger to yourself or someone else, this would not be a reason to put you in a hospital. Actually, dissociation is something we do to help us cope, but when it goes too far it is uncomfortable and can be a problem. Anyway, since it isn't pleasant, why not tell your T about it and get some help. Generally, as long as you are being honest and are not going to hurt yourself or anybody, they won't want to put you in the hospital. If you're not sure about that, why not ask them hypothetically what would happen if you told them about something you need help with that might sound strange, and see if the answer helps you to feel better about telling them.

Good luck! I hope you decide to trust the people whose job it is to help you.

Rap

[Rosalie]

^what you say makes sense but the only problem is that i am still seen as a danger to myself. now i am NOT posting about suicidal intention [i know its not allowed-and in this case, not literal] but i did attempt in april which is where all this is coming from. so whenever i tell them something big or new they get that look and start casually suggesting another 'short' hospital stay. that, or talk about screwing with my meds again. im still in that beginning stage where im pretending im not bipolar. i just cant deal right now and that would make it worse. i guess right now im just being a whiney, self indulgent little girl who wants to talk herself out of/wish away her problems.

stuck between a rock and a hard place
rose

[Irine]

woah i am sorry you feel like that. i hope thing will become better soon.