Don't read if you don't want to be triggered, please.

T wants me to go to the hospital. My SI feels like it is getting out of control, and I am genuninely afraid that I am going to keep cutting and cutting until I do something really serious.

I have two spots that I usually cut - the side of my hand under my thumb, and the inner part of my arm. Obviously, my wrist is in between those two spots - and I have been experimenting with small cuts on my wrist, that I fear will turn in to BIG cuts.

I am scared because the urge is so strong. H DOES NOT SUPPORT ME GOING TO THE HOSPITAL. I need to figure out what to do. I am scared.

I am thinking about brining my current SI tools to T tomorrow to give to him. The thought of doing it makes me want to throw up. I don't know what to do. Obviously, there are more tools out there. But maybe it would be a symbolic gesture to get me through the weekend.

I need to stop. I'm scared. And it doesn't feel as simple as someone saying "stop" and me stopping, you know?

And T is "concerned" and that just makes me sick. I told him to please, please, please stop. He says he can't. I don't want his love, caring, concern. I don't know what I want.

What should I do?

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You said H does not support you going in the hospital....
is he aware of the possible results of that?

Does he know about your SI possibly getting out of control?

Sending caring thoughts and many
ktgirl

[Sannah]

EM, did you and T work on what is going on with this "he loves you" stuff? My gut is telling me that you have some pretty intense thoughts and feelings about this that you just won't admit so this is what is driving you to SI to get some relief. This is my theory: You hate yourself. T loves you. You are having major cognitive dissonance with this. You cannot get these two thoughts to jive. One has to change and the T isn't budging. Therefore, you have to change how you feel about yourself and this is what you are battling with much, much difficulty....

EM please do not hurt yourself anymore......

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry that you are having such intense feelings you are searching for relief from cutting. I know how alluring this can be but unfortunately it is not a healthy way to cope with them. Please work with your t to find other ways to cope while you work through the feelings. I hope you were able to give your t what you use to cut.

Would you consider letting your husband talk to your t about the hospital. I understand how that may be a scary thought for you but maybe your t can explain how you are feeling.



BB