[kaitlyngranger]

Yes, you read the title right, I ABSOLUTELY can't feel anything...
Happy? No.
Sad? No.
Even hurt? NO.
Not AT ALL.
It all started one day, a very sunny day that it actually HURTED my eyes.
I was in my classroom, sitting alone in the corner in the middle of the lunchtime , when suddenly somebody shouted at me...
'Oh hey, look at that PATHETIC girl, what is A ***** like her doing in that STUPID, FILTHY corner? Her family is so POOR that he have to eat with a TRASH CAN?'
The others laugh...
' Hey,... Ummm... What was that MUDBLOOD' s name AGAIN? Lemme see... Katheiigh? Ahh, I remember, it was CATSLEIGH! '
Just like a typical day at school...
With me sitting in the corner or walking alone outside, and with the popular girls following me around...
' Hey CATSLEIGH! You hear me? YOUR FAMILY IS POOR! YOURE USELESS! YOU DONT BELONG IN THIS SCHOOL! SO GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE! Right, gurls?'
Everyone in my class shouted ' Yup!'
'Hey!!! HEY!!! HEYYYYYY! A-are you ignoring me? You filthy MUDBLOOD! Imma...'
Usually, at that point where Angela is EXTREMELY angry and embarrassed, I would have just walk away and take the high road. I don't wanna waste my time reasoning with those immature human - beings.
But, that day, I decided to stick around a little bit longer.
And then, the most UNBELIEVABLE thing happened:
She started to throw EVERYTHING she could grab at ME.
She even threw HER PURSE at me...
I started to think this was a bad idea when the things FLEW towards me...
But then, when her purse hit me, I didn't feel a thing.
Not even hurt, sad or happy...
Even HATE...
No...

Nothing.
She was also surprised by that...
She grabbed the broom and threw it at me.
It hit me, broke apart, but me... I still couldn't feel a thing...
Even though I was BLEEDING...
No...


Using that advantage, now everyday from school to home, I always try and hurt myself real HARD, sometimes I even have thoughts of ending my life, but nothing happens.
Now, it has become a habit and I cant stop hurting my own self.
Im starting to lose my emotions too...
Can you guys give me some advice?

[SlumberKitty]

I'm sorry that happened. Do you hurt yourself to try to feel? Sometimes hurting ourselves keeps us from feeling...other times, it starts us feeling again when we have been numb. SH can become a habit or addiction and can be very difficult to stop but it can be done. Do you have a therapist to talk to? Or a trusted person like someone in your family, or clergy, or teacher? No one deserves to be bullied. If that is still happening, is there a teacher you can tell or a school counselor? HUGS Kit

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry you've had these disturbing experiences. (By the way, I recall replying to your first post here on PC.) It was many years ago now but I still recall being bullied, both verbally & physically, throughout high school. So I have some sense of what you have experienced.

I think the obvious answer here may be to talk with someone, perhaps a counselor or therapist, about what you have experienced & what it has done to you. Especially if you're having thoughts of ending your life, it's important to reach out for help. (I see you list yourself as being in Vietnam. I don't know what kinds of mental health services would be available to you there.)

I could provide you with links to a bunch of articles, from Psych Central's archives, on a variety of topics related to your situation. But I don't know how helpful that would be really. In the end, I think what is most important is to find someone you can confide in. That was one thing I never had. I just kept it all to myself, shut out the pain, & plugged along as best I could. And I suspect that is one reason it all still haunts me to this day... so many decades later.

Although I wrote that I didn't think giving you links to articles might be helpful, here are links to just 3 articles, from PC's archives, that talk about how to sit with & stop numbing painful emotions . Perhaps they can be of some help:

How to Sit with Painful Emotions

Several Ways to Sit with Your Feelings

8 Steps to Stop Numbing Your Emotions

Please take care...