My self harm journey

I broke down and texted my T who called me for a five minute check in. It helped a little.

Feeling a little better today. Not only did I talk to T but I had texted former T and former T texted me back. I knew she would understand and she did, totally! It was so good to hear from her.


I am glad I didn't give into the urges. I am glad I was able to stay strong, though it wasn't me that stayed strong but my support team who supported me through it. Without them I wouldn't have made it one more day and each day adds up. Slowly but surely.

Good job getting through that one more day!

Thanks Bill3

45 more days until I reach a year free of Self Harm. Wow. It seems like it has been a really long year. (Of course it was a leap year so that's an extra day!) But in some ways, it feels like it has gone by faster than I thought. My parents uncharacteristically have been super supportive of my efforts to end self harm. Each month they buy me a cake (a small one) and sometimes flowers or balloons to celebrate each month that I go without self harming. I don't know if they will this month because the month anniversary lands on the 25th. But that's okay.


Tomorrow I see my T and she will be proud of me for how many days I have. I am proud of me too. It has taken me years to get this far. A year without will be such a good start to a life without. I still have 45 days to go so it's not over yet and I'm sure some of those days I will have many urges but I am hopeful.


Keep up the good fight everyone. Every day without it is worth it, in my opinion. It served a purpose (or multiple purposes) for me for so long and I will always be sort of thankful for it for that because it helped me survive but I do feel so much healthier not engaging in self harm.

I remember I used to tell my former T that my eyes felt dark and my head felt heavy. I don't have these "symptoms" since I haven't been SH-ing. I wonder if there is a connection? I just feel lighter inside. Like not weighted down.

I'm supposed to get my ring tomorrow that I ordered from Josten's as a way to celebrate my 1 year without self harm (still a month and a few days away). It wasn't supposed to come until next month but I got an email yesterday saying it was coming. I am excited to get it. I hope it looks as nice as I think it will. I wish today was tomorrow already!

Dang, my ring is delayed according to UPS. Now it looks like I will get it on Monday.

.

The Christmas Holiday depression has hit me like bricks today. I was doing okay but now not so much.

I am feeling self destructive today. I want to . It's like a demon is wanting me to. A lot of work stress which doesn't help. A bad day on Sunday with really intense urges to self harm and then this today. My eyes feel dark and my head is heavy. I feel like I am swimming through heavy water.

Hi All,

Getting closer to my goal of one year. But I still want to self harm! Who would have thought it would be this hard even after almost a year. The call of the blade is too strong. Siren's song. It calls me to it. I know that I can't. If I did I would likely end up back in the hospital and I don't want that. But sometimes the thought of just self harming is so intense. I'm physiologically and emotionally addicted to it Pastor T says. It takes a long time I guess to break this addiction. Even though my arms look really good right now....sometimes I still long for messed up arms. I've got to be nuts. HUGS to anyone who wants one, Kit

It's been almost a year. Six days away. A year ago I don't think I thought I would make it this long. I promised everyone at the hospital that I wouldn't do it anymore but I didn't take it seriously. I took it as something that had to be said in order to get out of the hospital! There are still bad days. There are still days when I contemplate going back to it but I know somehow it would be so much worse if I did. So keep moving forward. That's what I'm doing. It's hard but I am thankful for all the support here on the forums and from all my friends and family.

You are doing great SlumberKitty!

I'm giving platelets on Sunday at the blood donation center. I always get triggered when I have people see my arms. I just read about what it is like to give platelets. I didn't realize they would be using both arms. I have worse scars on one arm than the other. So when I normally give blood I do it on the side that I feel isn't as bad. But this time the person will have to see both arms. I know I am going to be triggered from this. I know I will want to self harm afterward. But hopefully I can keep it together and rest in the fact that I'm helping someone with cancer or some other need for platelets and I can not get triggered.

Given what you said above, what if you postponed giving platelets for a while? What are pros and cons?

Well I am still going to do it. On that day it will be 365 days of not self harming (my year anniversary will be the next day because last year was a leap year). It will be a nice thing to do to celebrate. To "let blood out" to help other people instead of cutting to help me feel better in the short term. I might be triggered but I'm going to talk about it tomorrow with my T. Kit

Hmm I didn't want to sound like I was taking a position on it.

I don't want to do that.

If it felt like I was pushing you: I'm sorry.

Good idea, I think, to discuss with T.

No worries Bill3. I didn't feel pushed. I just felt like you cared enough to suggest that I take a step back and rethink. Which I did. I didn't do a pros or cons list though. I just decided I was going to do it. We're good, mate! No worries! Hakuna Matata! Thanks for always being there!

I ended up not being able to give platelets because my iron was too low in my blood. Sigh. Oh well. At least I tried.

It's been a year and a day today since I last self harmed and I want to self harm. It's like the prospect of another year without self harm seems daunting. And I don't feel up to the task. I feel disappointed over my one year anniversary. I feel like my friends didn't really care enough. I bet if it was a physical problem and I made a lot of progress people would be happy for me. But because it is a mental illness people just don't get it. I did have one friend send me a card and that meant the world to me. Just to have her say, I don't always know what to say but I am always here. That was precious. Still I am in a dark mood today. I need to be in a better mood but it's hard. I just feel like sleeping so I don't self harm. Unfortunately I'm at work so that is not an option.

Hang in there SlumberKitty!

I was super close to self harming yesterday. I had the but I didn't push down. I couldn't self harm. I wanted to. But my Pastor's wife said that "you don't do that anymore. It is not a solution." That made it worse actually. I sort of took it as a challenge. Like you think I don't do it anymore, but I'll show you. But the more I thought about it, and the thought of giving up a years worth of hard work to not self harm, the less I was able to go through with it until I finally put the away and didn't do any self harm at all.