My self harm journey

Thanks for the reminder @East17

Anyone else I would tell them they are worth not self harming so why am I considering doing it myself? Argh. Stupid urges. They lie to me and they make me feel like crap and they get stuck in my head.


Thanks for being there for me today.

I didn't SH. I contracted with my T from 3:30 PM yesterday to 9 AM today that I wouldn't engage in any SH behaviors. It was hard because I am still getting to know this T and I was putting trust and faith in her....well really in me that my promise to her would stand. It was hard for a bit because I was like, I don't care if I break my promise to her--because I don't really know her yet, but I made myself hold onto the promise and I kept the amount of time intentionally short so that way if I changed my mind after 9 AM and decided to SH I could. I told her on text that I made it through. I might need to contract again this weekend but we'll see. I don't like contracting unless I am at the absolute end of my rope because it takes my options away and I don't like that. But sometimes it is the only thing that can get me through.

Great job carrying yourself through, SlumberKitty!

Keep up the great work!

Thanks, @Bill3

I still feel like crap though. It's a feeling in my stomach all the way to my throat and my forearms are crying out for relief.


The urges are still there. But they are waxing and waning some which should make it more tolerable....at least it's not a constant pounding. Except sometimes the waxing part get spikey and that hurts! So I hope it is a tapering off kind of waxing and waning and not an unpredictable waxing and waning.


I have some painting I want to do tomorrow and I forgot to study for my religious class tomorrow so I texted the lady I do the class with and asked her if it was okay if we just have a chat session instead of doing the lesson, since I didn't do it yet. Totally spaced it! She said that was fine. So at least some pressure is off.


I did let my parents know, so they are clued into what is going on with me. That will help, I think. At least it is better than me hiding it from them. And maybe they can be a support.


HUGS Kit

((((((((SlumberKitty)))))))))

Keep on hanging in there!

I hope you make it through the night ok. You sound like you have been doing really well resisting the urges.

Thanks. I made it through the night okay. And the weekend. I'm still having urges though. They are moderate at this point.


Tonight I have a Zoom session with my T. I want her to be able to take away the pain. But I know she can't. I want her to wave a magic wand and make me feel better. But I know she can't.


So it all feels very hopeless. Feels like I might as well give in and SH.

I ended up giving and and self harming. I couldn't handle the urges anymore. I was cowardly and did it before my therapy appointment instead of giving my therapist the chance to make things better for me. I feel stupid now. I lost all that time I had built up. I wish I could cry.

Now I want comfort. I know I have to comfort myself but how? That is the question.

Thank you, T, for not asking to see the wounds.

I feel guilty because I found out my 17 y.o. niece is on antidepressants. I'm sure her parents messed her up. But I still feel guilty/responsible/like I caused it or contaminated her someway with my Schizoaffective disorder. Then that makes me feel bad and like I need to be punished. I typed this out in a text to Julieanne (my T) and asked to SH contract with her for 28 hours.

23 days today. Can't wait until I can get past 100. It seems impossible but I am wanting to get there. My goal is to make 2 years which is 730 so 707 days to go.


Today I am having some admittedly kind of weird SH thoughts that I have had before and acted on before. I was scared to tell my T in case she thought I needed hospitalization. I don't know her that well yet so IDK, I'm not sure what would trigger that "hospitalization button" that T's have. But since I felt like I shouldn't share it, made me think that I should share it. Since I had contracted with her to not self harm the day before, I was to let her know if we needed to extend it today. So I texted her and in the text I brought up the weird SH thoughts that I am having and also the fact that I don't NEED to be hospitalized, thank you very much.


She responded very kindly. She told me yes I absolutely should tell her about those thoughts. And that she's not worried I will try to do anything to myself but she is sorry that I am having those thoughts.


This hit a cord. I think it is a sadness cord because it made me want to cry. Maybe I am feeling of no value today. I don't know. But I am also really emotional today. I don't know why that would make me sad. But maybe I am getting the crying thing mixed up with sadness. I don't know. It's very confusing. I just know that T said the right thing at the right time. She's a keeper!

((((((((SlumberKitty))))))))

24 days today. I have to be able to make it longer than this.


I'm having massive urges today. Cravings. To do serious damage to myself. Sigh.


I'm currently contracted with my T so technically I can't do anything. I'm not sure if contracting is making it worse by keeping me focused on it or if contracting is actually making me safer.


I'm not sure what if any I should tell my T. I don't want her to push the hospitalize button. I don't want to be hospitalized. It would also jeopardize my place in aftercare if they found out. I don't want to lose that.

Hang in there SlumberKitty!

I told my T. She hasn't responded yet. I sent her a text. I'm okay for a while because I'm at work and there is nothing harmful I can do to myself while I am at work. This gives time for the urges to dissipate. This is what I am hoping for. I feel bad contacting T again. It's like sheesh. She should get paid an extra session for all these text messages I am sending her. I wonder if I should Zelle her some money. I guess she will tell me if so. I hope she doesn't decide I am too much work and bother and dump me.

Good job staying in touch with her when you find that you need some additional support!

.

My goal is to get to 2 years. I have 700 days to go. My T says putting it that way sounds depressing. I think saying I am at 30 days sound depressing too. At least I have been making it through this last round of urges. Riding the wave. Riding the wave.

You can do it!!

I'm having a tough day with urges. Sometimes it is just so hard.

Sent from my SM-G991U using Tapatalk

UGH. Kind of having a tough day with the urges. They don't want to shut up in my head. I don't even know why I am having them. They are just there, under the skin, bothering me. I wish they would just go away and leave me alone. Don't they know I don't want them? I asked one of my friends for help with the urges but she wasn't much help. She tried though. I can't fault her for not knowing the right thing to say. Afterall I don't even know the right thing to tell myself so I will feel better. I just wish that I did indeed feel better.

I hope you feel stronger soon slumber kitty hugs